But I feel like I mostly learn nothing. Nothing of any worth. The things I wish I felt capable of doing! If I could back myself. If I could believe I had it in me. If I had the intelligence and the strength. The resolve. The fortitude.
If I could be free of the shackles of my inner demons and my own self-induced limitations….oh, what then?
I am possibly capable of love.
Of loving this man far too much.
Of loving posts like these. As he tries to give me hope. And tries to instill good things in me.
A very wise friend of mine told me I need to be better at accepting compliments. That I need to be able to…if not necessarily believe them, then just to be able to accept them. To just say “thank you”, when someone gives me a compliment because to throw it back in someone’s face is an awful thing. That nobody offers a compliment without wanting to. And so to not accept a compliment graciously is then hurting the giver.
So I tried. I tried to accept compliments. But my reactions are so ingrained within my psyche, my acceptance didn’t last very long.
I hate myself so very much. And I know that if I can’t love myself then…
But I absolutely love you, Jim Kerr.