I still can’t fathom it.
The year started out a bit odd…but it was okay. And then the lovely, lovely Wall Of Love post happened, and it was beautiful. I felt that lovely…love…I felt from him last year. I was on a cloud!
As usual, it sent me off firing questions and posting to the wall. I said I wanted to do a lyric art piece on Life In Oils…and BOOM!!!! And just like that…it all seemed to die away. My post was deleted, and I have been trying to make amends for it, with varying degrees of success, ever since.
I adore this man. Adore him. And I am absolutely gutted that I seem to be endlessly pissing him off. He pisses me off too…but worse than that, he upsets me.
I should be able to detach the music from the man. It was how it used to be…in the beginning. It was the music. I fell in love with the music FIRST AND FOREMOST! It was only the subsequent interactivity…my exploration of the lyrics (yes, the music itself initially pulls me in…but I love the words, I love lyrics…it was the biggest pull for me with Bowie, and it became a very big pull with SM). I fell in love with Jim’s lyrics. I likened him to Bowie as a songwriter. And as time went on, he surpassed that.
And that’s where the art came from…the love of the words…me wanting to highlight them. Show them off, in a manner of speaking. And then it all became a wonderful heady haze…my love for the words blended with a growing love for him. What was initially an infatuation, a lust, a “phwoar, Jim Kerr was bloody gorgeous back in the day – I WOULD!” turned into…
Well, it is pretty plain for all to see what it turned into 😦
And how I TRIED to keep it “in check”. And then I would work on a piece and share it…he’d post it and it would all manifest 10 fold again.
All of it absolutely meant so much! It went beyond me just…having my silly fantasies and feelings for him. I felt a connection that went far beyond that. I felt loved back…not…in the way I would want, perhaps…but as a fan. I felt he could see and feel what it all meant to me. How important it was. What a difference to my life it was making…and that he was appreciative of it. I felt he cared.
And so other things happened. Things I don’t want to discuss openly. I share enough of myself as is. I have always been SUCH an open book. I can keep personal things about others to myself. It is not my place to tell those things. But of my own pesonal experiences? If I feel the need to share them, I share them. A loose canon is perhaps what I am. Personally…I’ve just never been comfortable with secrets. To me, secrets lead to deceit.
So, yes…other things happened as well…but the wonderful stuff continued. Not to the degree it had earlier in the year…when I got back to the UK, my rate of artwork slowed…I was trying other things, branching out, experimenting, diversifying…
Hackney happened, and there were things that happened towards the end of the year that made me feel just as buoyed as I was at the beginning.
The “mutual appreciation” still felt like it was there. It had waned some, and by early 2017, it was still tangible enough…but since mid February…these past 3 months in particular? I don’t know.
I just…miss it. That’s all. I don’t know what I did really to lose it. And I probably shouldn’t be sharing this here. Wearing my heart abhorrently on my sleeve, as I always do.
I miss the joy and the love and the beauty. I miss anticipating being at these acoustic gigs. I miss feeling the delusion of Jim liking me. I used to thank him for putting up with me and tolerating me (because…well, I know I can be a damned pest…but he never seemed to mind…then), but I would secretly hope it wasn’t just tolerance, but that he actually liked me. As a fan. As a person. It mattered (and still matters!) much more than I anticipated.