Flickr-ing Memories

I’m starting to go through the process of tidying up my Flickr account. With something like 20,000 photos in there, it is getting to be quite a trawl looking through them for a specific photo.

Yesterday I started with a folder of all the black and white SM pics up to 1984, today I started a folder of all the interactivity with Jim (either myself, or with other fans) that I’ve screengrabbed from FB.

My own interactivity with Jim started much earlier than I thought. This is from Friday, 13th (an omen!) March, 2015. Well over three and a half years ago! I don’t know why but in my head I didn’t feel the interactivity really kicked off with him until after I started sharing the art…but it actually was happening before that.

Aawww! It made me all warm and fuzzy inside! Lol! Look at him telling me to “calm down”! Little did he know. Little did he know…

Not long now before I can ask him again. Lol

Thank you, Sir. I treasure them all. Every single one ❤️😊

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Oh, And A Lovely Thing Happened This Morning

Totally unexpected and out of the blue…
(PS: Didn’t mean to cut all that positive feedback off…but it was the only way I could fit the inclusion of my pic in there, leaving the post as it appeared on the SMO timeline as so.)

February 14th, 2017, was the last time this happened…so, yep, it really was unexpected, but so wonderful. Thank you ❤️

And…as soon as I used the term “out of the blue”…this started playing…

Ours Is Not To Question Why…

And I never would. I never did. I asked what I knew was a rather rhetorical question. Trying to be light-hearted and upbeat for something that actually made me feel rather forlorn, but I never asked why it was. I was pretending to ask for clarity on something that was all too clear.

I would never ask why. He doesn’t have to explain his reasons to me. And although slightly upset by the reply…at least he wasn’t mincing his words, or about to promise something that would never happen. If it’s never to be, then it is never to be. That’s okay. There is always going to be a percentage of songs that will never be performed live by any artist.

I admit to listening to it shortly after, and it have me crying for the first time in quite a while. Perhaps because I felt that, within that monosylabic reply, I had stirred something? Or…perhaps not. I’m sure it is as straighforward as…it was tried once, it’s hard to replicate live. End of. Or…he feels it is “of its time”, perhaps? I am only left to ponder, and that is okay.

It’s the antithesis of my “open book” policy. My explanation of the song’s effect and emotional pull on me is rather detailed (and could have been so much longer in explanation, had I not stopped my rather long-winded tangent).

All’s I know is, it will mean the absolute world to me until I exhale my final breath. If we’re all meant to have our funeral song picked out…this will no doubt be mine. (Unless I decide to wake up the congregation with Boys From Brazil? Hmmm…perhaps not!)

And, as monosylabic as his response was to me, he had the good nature to reply…even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Honesty will always be the best policy.

WHY I LOVE…WONDERFUL IN YOUNG LIFE (click to read)

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Why Want A Book When You Have FACEBook?!

Time and again fans ask “when’s your book coming out, Jim?”

Now, for one…I would have thought if he was under a publisher’s contract for a book, it would be nigh on impossible for him to post some of the things he does on FB…contractual obligations, so on and so forth. I don’t know this stuff for certain…but I’m assuming it to be so.

Secondly…why? Why are people crying for a book? Look how he writes for us on an almost daily basis…FOR DIDDLY SQUAT! Are you people INSANE?!

He shares so much already…do you REALLY need a book on top? I’m not saying I wouldn’t be interested in a book from Jim. Far from it! But I’m not going to badger him about it when he posts Facebook entries LIKE THIS! (See end of post.)

And while being in New York makes him think of Lennon, and his mum…the talk of The Beatles always makes me think of my brother, David. In a couple of weeks, he’ll have been gone four years…and, it never gets any easier. In fact, with the passage of time (and how long it had been since the last time I had seen him before he died…and his pleas with me not to travel back home just…to witness him dying) – it gets harder. The void he has left gets bigger.

The people in our lives give us such gifts…free gifts. David with my love for The Beatles. Jim with his posts to Facebook.

Who needs a book, when you have FACEBook?!

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Revoke My Like…

A strange thing happened last night. As soon as I was done with my latest piece…I shared it on the visitor wall…around 8pm. A few likes came in. A couple of lovely comments…but I’m always striving to please “The Mister”. 

At about 10.30pm, I got a Facebook notification to say that my visitor post was liked by SMO, but when I looked again some 30 mins later (after another notification came in), I saw it was no longer “liked”. The like had been revoked :-((

What was that about? Was there a genuine change of heart? Or did he just click ‘like’ went “Bugger! Didn’t mean to do that!” and revoked it? A revoked like is worse than no like at all 😦

Where Did It All Go Wrong?

I still can’t fathom it.

The year started out a bit odd…but it was okay. And then the lovely, lovely Wall Of Love post happened, and it was beautiful. I felt that lovely…love…I felt from him last year. I was on a cloud!

As usual, it sent me off firing questions and posting to the wall. I said I wanted to do a lyric art piece on Life In Oils…and BOOM!!!! And just like that…it all seemed to die away. My post was deleted, and I have been trying to make amends for it, with varying degrees of success, ever since.

I adore this man. Adore him. And I am absolutely gutted that I seem to be endlessly pissing him off. He pisses me off too…but worse than that, he upsets me.

I should be able to detach the music from the man. It was how it used to be…in the beginning. It was the music. I fell in love with the music FIRST AND FOREMOST! It was only the subsequent interactivity…my exploration of the lyrics (yes, the music itself initially pulls me in…but I love the words, I love lyrics…it was the biggest pull for me with Bowie, and it became a very big pull with SM). I fell in love with Jim’s lyrics. I likened him to Bowie as a songwriter. And as time went on, he surpassed that.

And that’s where the art came from…the love of the words…me wanting to highlight them. Show them off, in a manner of speaking. And then it all became a wonderful heady haze…my love for the words blended with a growing love for him. What was initially an infatuation, a lust, a “phwoar, Jim Kerr was bloody gorgeous back in the day – I WOULD!” turned into…

Well, it is pretty plain for all to see what it turned into 😦

And how I TRIED to keep it “in check”. And then I would work on a piece and share it…he’d post it and it would all manifest 10 fold again.

All of it absolutely meant so much! It went beyond me just…having my silly fantasies and feelings for him. I felt a connection that went far beyond that. I felt loved back…not…in the way I would want, perhaps…but as a fan. I felt he could see and feel what it all meant to me. How important it was. What a difference to my life it was making…and that he was appreciative of it. I felt he cared. 

And so other things happened. Things I don’t want to discuss openly. I share enough of myself as is. I have always been SUCH an open book. I can keep personal things about others to myself. It is not my place to tell those things. But of my own pesonal experiences? If I feel the need to share them, I share them. A loose canon is perhaps what I am. Personally…I’ve just never been comfortable with secrets. To me, secrets lead to deceit. 

So, yes…other things happened as well…but the wonderful stuff continued. Not to the degree it had earlier in the year…when I got back to the UK, my rate of artwork slowed…I was trying other things, branching out, experimenting, diversifying…

Hackney happened, and there were things that happened towards the end of the year that made me feel just as buoyed as I was at the beginning.

The “mutual appreciation” still felt like it was there. It had waned some, and by early 2017, it was still tangible enough…but since mid February…these past 3 months in particular? I don’t know. 

I just…miss it. That’s all. I don’t know what I did really to lose it. And I probably shouldn’t be sharing this here. Wearing my heart abhorrently on my sleeve, as I always do. 

I miss the joy and the love and the beauty. I miss anticipating being at these acoustic gigs. I miss feeling the delusion of Jim liking me. I used to thank him for putting up with me and tolerating me (because…well, I know I can be a damned pest…but he never seemed to mind…then), but I would secretly hope it wasn’t just tolerance, but that he actually liked me. As a fan. As a person. It mattered (and still matters!) much more than I anticipated.