Not Waving But Drowning

I’m on the downward spiral again – doubting myself and feeling that I am incapable of being good at ANYTHING other than just drawing oxygen. It feels like everything I touch is the opposite of a Midas Touch. And now it really does feel like it IS all too late. I look at what it takes to get somewhere with writing and the competition is so fierce. There are people, hundreds, thousands of people WAY more talented and gifted than me and they either never get published, or it takes them 20 years to finally achieve it. TWENTY YEARS! And then there are the Harper Lee’s of the world. One incredible book – and that’s it. But if you’re going to be known for one book in your life, well bloody hell, let it be something even REMOTELY akin to To Kill A Mockingbird. The antithesis is Barbara Cartland – dictating romantic tale after romantic tale and ‘writing’ several books per year. Just endlessly churning out pulp for a seemingly endlessly insatiable audience. A bestseller. But a great writer? 

Is it the triumph of popularity? How much of it breeds into ‘fake it ‘til you make it’? And once you have ‘made it’ – i.e. achieved a level of success – do you still keep ‘faking it’? Do your continuing endeavours still rely on you having a level of self-belief that seemingly FAR exceeds your actual talent and aptitude for what you do? 

I have just over two weeks to hand in my final assignment for this module and I am worried that I am just going to scrape on through. I am in a swell of feeling like I am just…mediocre. I don’t want to be ‘incredible.’ I don’t want people blowing smoke up my arse! I want to see if writing really can be something that can be mastered like other things. That it does come with practice and application and it doesn’t have to rely on this kind of ‘genius’ thing – this ‘natural aptitude’ that the majority of successful people seem to have. I want to be good at it. No…not just ‘good’ at it but VERY good at it. 

When I receive praise and encouragement from people, I dismiss it, because I just don’t see it. When those who tell me I write well say that to me, I make up all kinds of reasons why they would say that to me and the LAST thing it is in my head is that they genuinely believe I am a good writer – that I am actually a good writer. 

I have to be careful with how much I divulge here, but I have been doing well with my module but there are aspects about it that have worried me and disappointed me. My results have been solid right up until my most recent assignment. I was disappointed with my mark, and more so disappointed with myself. I took certain risks with my assignment and well, it didn’t really backfire as such…I just wish I could change things about this module. I feel it has been the most important module of my whole DipHE in English and my projected result won’t reflect that. 

I’m starting to wonder if I made the wrong choice because every time we needed to select a new module for the next block of study, I would see the English Language modules and the study information and they’d sound fascinating to me and then I keep wondering if I’ve made the wrong choice – because that’s an academic pursuit rather than a creative one. 

I decided to give myself the day off today, even though there is a little over two weeks left of the module and I don’t feel like my assignment is anything like as far along as it should be. I’m trying to strike the balance between not putting undue pressure on myself but at the same time keeping focussed and on the path to successfully completing the module. I am hoping that what I feel I’ve missed or lacked from this module will be regained in my final module for my DipHE in English next academic year. By this time next year, I’ll be just a couple of weeks away from completing my diploma. Then the question will be do I continue on? Do I go all out for my BA in Creative Writing? I don’t honestly know right now. 

Also, by this time next year, I’ll have a published book under my belt, with any luck. And guess who else is bringing a book out next year (if the Amazon details are anything to go by) – only bloody Jim and Charlie! Pressure, anyone?!

Speaking of which – this is what this post was meant to be about: His Nibs’s latest post. I have to say, the previous one got me thinking too. Him talking about ‘still being on a high’ after the Cruel World slot last weekend. It all seemed to go really well, and he seemingly felt the same connection to the fans there that some of those fans expressed on SMOG. 

Today’s one has me still questioning the whole thing about self-belief and its role in keeping someone down-to-earth and humble. From ‘fake it til you make it’ to ‘I’ve made it, so now I just look like an ego head.’ It’s the thing I grapple most with about Jim. It’s a constant grapple. When you’re younger and trying to make it and propel yourself forward, of course you’ve got to back yourself. You’ve got to rely on that self-belief because it’s the only way you’ll push yourself forward. The support of friends and family can only give you so much. I can truly appreciate the words and support of strangers being that re-affirming thing. But then bring that on 40+ years and you have a groundswell of support and it turns back on itself. Because now, strangers are few and far between. You’re surely caught up in a web of sycophancy, with people blowing smoke up your arse – with whatever good intentions come from that. That, for some, you can literally do no wrong and EVERYTHING you’ve done…your whole entire output is incredible. So, where’s the line? How do you keep yourself true to yourself? How do you stay grounded? Honestly, I am never, ever, EVER going to know “the struggle”. 

Earlier in the week when I responded to a post regarding fan feedback, I said ‘it must be incredible to get these affirmations again and again. How do you keep yourselves in check?’ Dear Toni Masson had left a laugh emoji on my comment. At first I was thinking why is he laughing at that? Then later I thought…oh, maybe he’s laughing at the thought of Jim keeping himself in check? Being humble, like. Then, yes, I could see the humour in it then. ‘How do you keep yourself in check?’ Simple answer – he doesn’t! Lol. He sucks up ALL the plaudits and supportive feedback and positively ODs on the stuff! Humility? What’s that?! 

In today’s post he said he ‘didn’t get into a band with an eye on making money and all that other stuff’. Hmmm okay, if you say so. If it’s genuine, great! That’s fantastic. It certainly appeared that way in the beginning – no matter how focussed on ‘all the other stuff you might imagine’ seemed to factor into it. ‘Most of all I wanted to connect with people the world over through music.’ Great, again. But…we know there is a kind of caveat to that – at least on the ‘deep connection’ level. And also…I just can’t help feeling there is this ‘suck them up until you’ve bled them dry’ thing with Jim. Until someone serves their purpose and is seemingly surplus to requirements, which he then flips to a ‘their heart just wasn’t in it any more, so I had to shaft them’ angle. I can’t help but view it that way. So many people have come and gone…

The final paragraph of Jim’s post ended with, ‘And as for fame and wealth? It’s been said that it’s like seawater! The more you drink – the thirstier you become.’ 

Hmmmm.

Well, that would have been much more humble and relatable if he had said that in relation to the connection between band and fans through the music. But that is not what he said. It sounds as if he’s saying he’s actually now …. Unlike what he’d just written two paragraphs previously – THIRSTY for fame and wealth? Whaaaa? When is enough enough? I mean…wow! See what I mean about him always contradicting himself? Is it all still just so much self-belief and bravado still fueling this man after all this time that humility just doesn’t get a bloody look in? It was SUCH an attractive trait of the Jim Kerr of the late teens/early 20s. The aesthetic he has then for me is not purely just a physical thing. I mean, don’t get me wrong – he was FIT! Beautiful. Just beautiful. I still gawp at all my photos on the wall in wonderment over how something could be so beautiful – and his drive, focus and hunger – his ambition back then just makes him literally DRIP with sex appeal in my eyes but then…. Something changes. And then it just seems to yo-yo constantly. Fluctuating, I guess, in line with Simple Minds’ successes and (dare I say it?) failures. 

I sought this man’s praise for SSSOOOO long! It meant everything to me. And it’s times like this that I don’t know why it ever did. 

I don’t know. I don’t know what else to say. He just astounds me, still. A lot of the time for all the wrong reasons these days. He leaves me dumbfounded. Good old Paradoxical Jim. 

Seawater: All I can think of is one of my favourite lines from Glittering Prize (a line, by the way, that hasn’t been sung in DECADES – as if Jim never actually wrote it in the first place. Lyrics? Who cares about them, eh?) ‘take in, take in more / endless breath away.’ 

Not waving but drowning.