But I feel like I mostly learn nothing. Nothing of any worth. The things I wish I felt capable of doing! If I could back myself. If I could believe I had it in me. If I had the intelligence and the strength. The resolve. The fortitude.
If I could be free of the shackles of my inner demons and my own self-induced limitations….oh, what then?
I am possibly capable of love.
Of loving this man far too much.
Of loving posts like these. As he tries to give me hope. And tries to instill good things in me.
A very wise friend of mine told me I need to be better at accepting compliments. That I need to be able to…if not necessarily believe them, then just to be able to accept them. To just say “thank you”, when someone gives me a compliment because to throw it back in someone’s face is an awful thing. That nobody offers a compliment without wanting to. And so to not accept a compliment graciously is then hurting the giver.
So I tried. I tried to accept compliments. But my reactions are so ingrained within my psyche, my acceptance didn’t last very long.
I hate myself so very much. And I know that if I can’t love myself then…
But I absolutely love you, Jim Kerr.
Wow I am very impressed what Jim is telling you here my dear lady. Most interesting to send this now. And of course he had to combine this to my favorite song by David. You know he is so very right about David he was so amazingly creative, I can remember when he was helping me with my stand-up therapy painting that crazy mural in my apartment in the 90’s. We would play this old phone number game. When I was growing up our phone numbers were letters before they became numbers. He loved the history of that for some reason. For instance, in Canada long distance would always start with an 1 would =& and 0 would = operator. So a phone number would look like, &M operator G WGS operator J&A David thought this was extremely funny and immediately created a fun song. I have fond memories. And yes he treated his art with the enthusiasm of an Absolute Beginner. Nice to have a treat for the trick, JK. Now for you my dear you should enjoy your Birthday, grab some sparklers, carve a pumpkin, light a candle and make some popcorn, put some music on and have some fun. Have a Trick or two and do not forget the Treats…. BOO….