Speechless Mourning

I honestly have no idea what to say. Continuing on from my vlog post yesterday, I feel like I just need to write something. Anything! The restart of uni is just days away. It officially starts on Saturday, but because I’ll be away in London seeing Catherine, I will most likely start during the week.

My mind is in overdrive after last night. Billy kind of prepared us for what was coming as he talked about Jim and Charlie being on during the second hour of his show. At that point, I pondered it being one of two things – either there’d be a declaration of there being “no end in sight.” That they’ll go on and on. I always had this belief in my own mind that Jim would be happy to literally DIE on that stage, you know? That felt compounded by what Charlie said when the interview started. That he and Jim just love being on that stage so much. That they love performing. For them, it has always been that live experience that meant the most about the band. It’s been their fuel for SOOO long!

I’m trying so hard not to feel like this maudlin hapry. I keep holding back tears this morning. It feels ridiculous that I should be so upset by this! I can hardly afford to go to any more gigs, I feel as if in recent months my ardent fandom has been waning. I feel banished from the rest of the fanbase, and yet…I’m absolutely gutted by what Jim said.

I confess I dipped into SMOG last night after the show, and then again this morning and NO ONE seems to be talking about it or even mentioning it. Am I the only one here feeling this sense of mourning? Feeling a loss of something?

Along with just reeling over Jim’s words is this bloody earworm of the Nation Of Language song. Those lines in the chorus playing over and over again in my head “my sole obsession / finally I feel it fading / walk my home and walk away – sole obsession / suddenly a different shading / walk me home and walk away” …

I guess it has always meant too much.

Perhaps it is just how I process things? That things just hit me like a wave? So hard – that it knocks me for six. Then I just need time. Time to process it and deal with it. The same thing happened with the Oz tour news coming in. At the moment I’m mostly trying to understand why this has hit me so hard and why it still matters so much and why I care so much. I think it is primarily down to it being genuinely the only time I get to feel “close” to Jim…being at gigs. I know I’m there in a room with thousands of other people but it’s the only sense of “intimacy” I get now. The social media side of it – that personal touch of him responding to comments on their Facebook page pretty much died off long ago. The whole Peter Gabriel thing was the first interaction in a long while and probably the last interaction I am ever going to have with him in that way now.

When you stretch out to reach for the stars you never believe you are going to touch one, you see? And that is what it has felt like all these years – reaching out skywards, on my tiptoes, stretching, fingertips splayed – trying my hardest to touch one of those beautiful celestial twinkles. And there he was! Twinkling away. Responding to me. To return to the Nation Of Language song… “You and your sensational soul.” He eased my grief for my recently departed brother. Was my companion as I spent the last months I had with my mother. How could I not fall in love with him? How could it not mean this much to me? And so the gigs were just…they were much more than going to see Simple Minds play live. It was my chance to be in a room with him. It didn’t matter I was there with thousands of other people. I just wanted to be in his presence. To feel the celestial light. To touch my star.

And yes…the tears are really flowing now. I haven’t cried in ages. I don’t think I’ve ever cried as often in my life as during the time I’ve been a Simple Minds fan.