Craig Hill – Pavilion Theatre – 1/10/2021

My birthday month started yesterday. And yes, I DO consider the whole of October my “birthday month”. Lol. Not that I actually go celebrating my birthday EVERY day in October. It’s just that once October begins I am then allowed to declare to anyone who cares that “it’s my birthday this month/at the end of the month”.

Well…by coincidence of the date, the birthday month started with a nice celebration! And the joy of seeing Craig Hill for the first time in….I honestly don’t know when. “Hunners” of years. Lol. He rarely would come down to England to do gigs, but when he would do, I’d make a point to go and see him. 

It should have been happening last March at Oran Mor but then Covid had other ideas! But at last, last night I was quite literally “Pumped” to be seeing Craig again.

And he didnae disappoint. From the moment he hit that stage. Arriving in a style you’d thoroughly expect him to. Dancing about, twirling round in his colour coordinated kilt. 

Audience participation is high at a Craig Hill gig, so be prepared! And nowhere is really safe. But if you’re up for the banter, you’ll get it at a Craig Hill gig – and some banter! Boom boom! His style of comedy is sssoooo up my street! Lol

Comedy gig faux pas NUMBER ONE happened right on cue last night with poor Chris (we didn’t learn his name until much later on) – arriving to the FRONT ROW right as Craig is still doing his opening sing-song intro. I clocked him walking down the CENTRE AISLE, just as Craig clocked him – his eyes lit up like Chris arrived from the lap of the gods. All the gay pick-up innuendo lines in the song just kept coming from there…aimed squarely at Chris, filled with winks and lip licks and kisses blown and kilt thrusts and all sorts. 

“Are you a gay man?” asks Craig. “Naw”, says Chris. “You will be the night!”, retorts Craig – with a wink and a lick of the lips. “I could hear his sphincter tightening then.” Lol

He makes a note of the ladies in the front row who have all settled nicely but are all sitting there with their jaikets still oan. One of them was laughing particularly enthusiastically. “I see why yer havenae taken yer jaiket aff noo. It’s ta moap up the pish.” 

He asked one of the jaiketed ladies their name and she said “Margaret”. “Ah knew you’d have a name like that! Where ya fae, Margaret?” “Cambuslang”, she says. And he’s off with the innuendo again, referring to it as “camp-u-slang”. Margaret calls out “Cam Bus Lang!” And then he’s like “Aye! Listen to the attitude on her. IT’S A JOKE, MARGARET!” Which for the rest of the night meant he kept referring to Cambuslang as “CAM BUS LANG!” and saying it really emphatically. 

He sniffed out a gay…actually there was a couple there (a gay couple, I mean…not a couple of gays. Though there was that too….). James, the barber from East Kilbride, and his partner Jimmy (just in case you had any illusion to the name James and variations there of NOT being possibly the most popular male name in all of Scotland…living proof last night!) – who was the social pariah of the room for daring to admit he came fae England! But…Durham, so far enough north to be somewhat let off the hook for DARING to cross Hadrian’s Wall. Lol

He noticed some people up in the dress circle. A couple of people sitting over to the side as if they were in a royal box. He asked the lady of the pair her name – Norma, it was. He had a field day with that. Then says “Where ya fae, Norma?” “Stornaway”, she says. “Whaaaa? Did you travel doon the day?” “Yes”, she says. “Did you travel all the way fae Stornaway to see me?” “Aye.” “Stalker!” “Did you come with someone?” “Aye. My son.” So then he gets his sights set on the son, whose name is Gary. Turns out Gary is quite shy and isnae good wit the banter but of course Craig was loving that. Comedy gold!

There was an interval for 15 minutes and in the second half Craig did a more broader sweep of the crowd, wanting to know where people travelled from. He mentioned Milngavie at one point and then asked if anyone was in fae Milngavie. One person braved a response. “What’s your name? And depending on your reply we’ll know if yer really fae Milngavie.” “Lyn” “Aye, you WORK in Milngavie, you don’t LIVE in Milngavie.” Lol

Then he spies a young kid over our side of the audience, a few rows ahead of us. “How old are you?” “Sixteen”. “Well, yer getting an education the night! Is that yer maw and da wit ya?” “Aye”, says Da. “Where ya fae?” Da answers “Possil.” Kid chimes in “Just him. Am no fae there.” Craig is like “Ooh, family break up. This’ll be interesting.” “So, Da fae Possil, what’s yer name?” “Davey”. “And what ya do, Davey?” “Sell drugs.” I’m reckoning from living doon the road fae Possil, Davey was just being full-on honest. Lol.

He keeps asking if there are other gays in or if there are any lesbians. There was Angela the dinner lady fae Castlemilk in. “Well, naw spotted dick for you, Angela.” “Are ya here wit anyone, Angela?” “A friend.” “Ooh, you could hear the quotation marks around that. ‘A friend’. She’s got the toys.” Lol

Asking if anyone else came further afield than England, a male voice calls out “She’s fae Poland!” A lady a couple of rows in front of us had been pointed out by her bloke (I’m guessing). “Poland. Wow. What’s yer name, lovey? Yer gonna have one of them names, aren’t ya? Come on, tell us yer name.” “Zuza.” “Whaaa? Say again?” She repeats it. “Naw. It just sounds like ‘Susan’ to me. Whaaa?” She repeats and spells it. “Aye. okay. So, Zzzzuza, where ya fae noo?” “Prestwick.” “Are you just moving ta places round the world starting wit ‘P’?” Lol

The final bit of banter of the night and he returns to Chris. Talking about how the song “Yes Sir, I Can Boogie” has been hijacked by the fitba fans when it was owned by the gays. So he challenged Chris to a dance-off. They’d dance to the song and if Chris’s moves were good enough, then the fitba fans were allowed to continue to use the song. 

Chris had the moves, I gotta say. He gave as good as he got anyway and was mighty brave to get up there and dance in front of hunners of folk. 

Such a fab, fab night. I bloody love Craig. I really do. I was so glad it was the first comedy gig back. To be back out there enjoying stuff like this, and I really couldn’t have asked for better starts to the return of these kind of things. A fabulous music gig and a fantastic comedy gig in the space of one week! Just like old times. Long may it continue – safely and wonderfully!

No footage from last night, but here is a video from years back just to show the calibre of last night’s show.

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