Finished it about a week ago now and…well…I’m finding it hard to take much of a message from it. Siddhartha himself seemed to think that those Brahman who followed the Buddha were almost…enslaved…not free-thinking, would never find their own level of peace and happiness as they were followers, and not travelling their own path.
Maybe I misinterpreted aspects of the book? I shall read it again. As for what happened when he met Kamala? I could well get it. Having pretty much denied myself “the sins of the flesh” for nearly a quarter of a century (having felt that love and sex are different…and they are, definitely…one can exist without the other. One part just fills a physiological aspect, well…so one can convince oneself anyway – because…as a woman, and in my own personal experience, there is an emotional element to sex. And so, as much as I can detach the two elements…they can also be interconnected and interchangable), I could imagine myself very much succumbing to a similar part of the journey Siddhartha took. Except…I wouldn’t. Because I “freak out”. I would never have the…assuredness, the bravado that both Siddartha and Kamala expressed. Maybe when I was younger. But not now. Too much time has passed. And instead of maturing and becoming MORE sure of myself with age…I am less sure, less confident.
When temptation is put in front of me…I run. I resist it. Shy away from it. My life in that respect feels the opposite of our protagonist. I’ve spent half my life removed from “the sins of the flesh” and I have grown bored of it…much like Siddhartha had grown bored of being self-centred, materialistic and lustful. I am bored of being “virtuous” but….I am too fearful to do anything about it. Well, there we go. Princess Overshare strikes again.
I need to find a pupose to life. A *REAL* purpose. I’ve deluded myself for 18 months that I’ve had one…and on the days I didn’t feel like I had, I was happy to *exist*…because…THERE IS NO FUCKING PURPOSE TO LIFE but to just…exist.
I think I’m heading “back to black”. I really, really don’t want to go there again. The last time I got through it because I think I just grew tired of over-thinking, over-analysing…trying to find something TRULY unobtainable.
I wish I could escape myself.