Desiring The Unobtainable

I have tried so much to refrain from doing this. To express it publicly. As if it’ll matter, or make a difference to things. Ultimately, it won’t. I don’t think it will anyway. Other than it altering what he may think of me. And…I still really have no clue what he thinks of me, anyway. I am but one of many…many fans…many admirers. I’m sure I am this to Jim…(see pic below)

Lol. Well, perhaps not that…but I am absolutely insignificant compared to when the tables are turned and it’s what I think of him rather than what he thinks of me.

The thing is…I miss him. He’s around…yes. He is posting to Facebook every day. But I still miss those levels of interactivity I used to enjoy. 

I KNOW! I don’t have exclusivity over him. I am quite aware that he has friends, really good friends that he doesn’t get to talk to often, as both their lives are so busy. But, conversely, I know there are people he sees amd/or talks to every day. And, oh how I would love to be privileged enough to have a piece of that! 

I felt I had it for the briefest period last year. I won’t go into huge detail…but, yes…there was a short period of time where almost daily interactivity happened.

Being on the Acoustic Tour “gig hop”….those interactions felt almost tangible again. Bit it was still all too brief. All too fleeting…mostly because I just could not talk to him! I was such a fucking horrible bag of nerves around him, and he’d catch me off guard and I’d be too slow to respond.

This happened several times! Because…he just tied me up in knots! Eg: (I haven’t really shared this…I remembered it afterwards intially, then forgot it for a few days….the nerves!) After I had my array of pics taken with him at the stage door at Bridlington, another fan approached him and asked if he could have his photo taken with him. Of course, I’m still standing about so the guy gives his camera to me and says, “Would you please take the photo for me? Just press that button there.” I SWEAR TO FUCK it was the tiniest camera, ever! Lol. Like, one of them microfilm cameras you see in spy films. Lol. Honestly, that’s how it felt to me. Butter fingers extraordinaire when around Jim as is! It was bad enough the previous time in Liverpool when my lady friend who was waiting at the Philharmonic stage door asked me to take HER pic with him…and I was even MORE nervous then, as I had just met him for the first time! And then I miss out on MY opportunity to have a pic with him, taking so long faffing about taking hers!

So…I’m thinking about Liverpool and what happened and I’m saying this all out loud…can’t remember what I said verbatim but I was like “Oh, no. Don’t ask me to do this! I’m shit!” Jim is probably having a good internal giggle by now, I reckon. 

I have no glasses on…there’s lights on at the stage door…but it’s night time…I can’t see fuck. I’m still just shaking from what’s happened and his camera has a viewfinder that is showing me a split screen with two different pictures – and about half an inch in size. I’ve no idea and so I hand his camera back to him saying, “I can’t tell if it’s any good. I hope it’s okay?” Then Jim says, “Take it again. I wasn’t smilimg.”

I can’t remember giving any real reaction to it at the time, because I was just SSOOO wanting the ground to swallow me up. But AFTER…when I remembered what he’d said, and it played over in my mind…I wish I could have gone back and throttled him, the smart arse bastard!!! Lol. He could see I was flustered…I was verbalising about it as I was taking the picture, for fucks sake! I couldn’t look at him while I was taking the picture. I was just concentrating on the other guy.

He knows the affect he has on me, and he loves it! And I love that he loves it. And I love that he wants to toy with me like that. And I miss it. I miss him toying with me. Playing with me, like I’m a Celebrate “rag doll”.

And…it just makes me adore him all the more. He tangles me up in knots…but I SSOOO want to be in his presence! 

I just wish I could talk to him. REALLY talk to him. Like…every day. Not a million words…just a small exchange every day. Pondering this last night, I was thinking wouldn’t it be lovely to be able to email him each night? I’d just email him each night with some…I dunno…just something…it wouldn’t matter how inane it was (except I know it would…I already fear I bore him immeasurably) and he’d send a reply the next morning. Every morning, I’d have an email from Jim…

But, of course…that’s what the Facebook posts from him are…but just for all of us…not just for me.

A girl will dream, and continue to do so…until her dying breath.

*sigh*

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