Like A Hole In The Head…

I know I’ve said it before…I keep saying it! (Something Jim said about Lou Reed and amplifiers springs to mind!) But…I MISS THE INTERACTIVITY! I miss Jim.

Looking back on my blog last November, it is just full of FB posts from Jim and me just responding to what he was talking about and it is all still just so lovely.

Yes, they were touring at the time but that makes it even MORE amazing to me…that he takes the time to write those posts and interact when on the road.

Earlier in the year, he started to elude to the fact that maybe he’d take a step back from the social media side of things. And I wasn’t the only one who seemed genuinely crestfallen by his supposition.

Supposition of his stepping back now feels like it is pretty much fully manifest. The recent founding of the Simple Minds Official Group the most obvious display of that.

I feel now that he was probably “letting us down gently”. All that talk about thinking it may appear he likes the sound of his own voice, etc (a post he wrote called My Lips Are Sealed). The undercurrent now seems, “I think I may just spend a little too much time with the fans and doing this ‘interaction’ lark.”

But it is what ALWAYS made being a Simple Minds fan that much more special. And I know I say that time and again, but it’s true!

And it has always been such a special part of the fanbase. All the stories long-time fans have. They make me envious because they sound like magical times and halcyon days.

And I suppose I had my time in the sun too. All those amazing things. The art being shared and feeling like Jim was doting on me. Lol. I’m not ashamed to say that it sssoooooo went to my head (and heart!). Me, in spite of myself, starting to believe that there was some kind of…symbiosis/mutual appreciation thing going on there. I love him – he loves me. Lol. Oh, how I wished!

But so much more beyond that giddy fangirlyness. There was wonderful and “serious” repartee that we had. Well, I felt anyway.

But over the past nine months it has slowed down further and further. And I have to stress here that I KNOW and understand he had more pressing priorities taking precedence. I don’t want this to sound like a whinge-fest. I’m trying not to have it come across that way!

I just…miss him. I miss the things he’d talk about. Just…any topic. Whatever piqued his interest that morning. Something he’d read in the news…on the Guardian website, or … talk of a Minds anniversary of some sort. Seeing a gig himself. Or going to a movie. Reading a book. Music. Just…heroes of his and things.

And the silly things from way back too. The silly pun games and things.
And I didn’t expect him to respond to ME all the time. And he’d reply to others too and it was always good to see.

The year is winding down again and it’ll soon be Christmas. And things naturally would go quiet on SMO over the Christmas period and into the New Year for a few weeks. And … well, the end of February seems a long way off. But it isn’t that long I know. It’ll soon be here.

And hey! I have a house to move into and probably a trip to Oz to sort out and then…maybe it’ll all kick in again?

Maybe he’ll start posting a bit more regularly again and interacting with us sad, pathetic fans again? We’ll see in about 120 days time, I guess…

In the meantime….the Clyde at Christmas? …

Desiring The Unobtainable

I have tried so much to refrain from doing this. To express it publicly. As if it’ll matter, or make a difference to things. Ultimately, it won’t. I don’t think it will anyway. Other than it altering what he may think of me. And…I still really have no clue what he thinks of me, anyway. I am but one of many…many fans…many admirers. I’m sure I am this to Jim…(see pic below)

Lol. Well, perhaps not that…but I am absolutely insignificant compared to when the tables are turned and it’s what I think of him rather than what he thinks of me.

The thing is…I miss him. He’s around…yes. He is posting to Facebook every day. But I still miss those levels of interactivity I used to enjoy. 

I KNOW! I don’t have exclusivity over him. I am quite aware that he has friends, really good friends that he doesn’t get to talk to often, as both their lives are so busy. But, conversely, I know there are people he sees amd/or talks to every day. And, oh how I would love to be privileged enough to have a piece of that! 

I felt I had it for the briefest period last year. I won’t go into huge detail…but, yes…there was a short period of time where almost daily interactivity happened.

Being on the Acoustic Tour “gig hop”….those interactions felt almost tangible again. Bit it was still all too brief. All too fleeting…mostly because I just could not talk to him! I was such a fucking horrible bag of nerves around him, and he’d catch me off guard and I’d be too slow to respond.

This happened several times! Because…he just tied me up in knots! Eg: (I haven’t really shared this…I remembered it afterwards intially, then forgot it for a few days….the nerves!) After I had my array of pics taken with him at the stage door at Bridlington, another fan approached him and asked if he could have his photo taken with him. Of course, I’m still standing about so the guy gives his camera to me and says, “Would you please take the photo for me? Just press that button there.” I SWEAR TO FUCK it was the tiniest camera, ever! Lol. Like, one of them microfilm cameras you see in spy films. Lol. Honestly, that’s how it felt to me. Butter fingers extraordinaire when around Jim as is! It was bad enough the previous time in Liverpool when my lady friend who was waiting at the Philharmonic stage door asked me to take HER pic with him…and I was even MORE nervous then, as I had just met him for the first time! And then I miss out on MY opportunity to have a pic with him, taking so long faffing about taking hers!

So…I’m thinking about Liverpool and what happened and I’m saying this all out loud…can’t remember what I said verbatim but I was like “Oh, no. Don’t ask me to do this! I’m shit!” Jim is probably having a good internal giggle by now, I reckon. 

I have no glasses on…there’s lights on at the stage door…but it’s night time…I can’t see fuck. I’m still just shaking from what’s happened and his camera has a viewfinder that is showing me a split screen with two different pictures – and about half an inch in size. I’ve no idea and so I hand his camera back to him saying, “I can’t tell if it’s any good. I hope it’s okay?” Then Jim says, “Take it again. I wasn’t smilimg.”

I can’t remember giving any real reaction to it at the time, because I was just SSOOO wanting the ground to swallow me up. But AFTER…when I remembered what he’d said, and it played over in my mind…I wish I could have gone back and throttled him, the smart arse bastard!!! Lol. He could see I was flustered…I was verbalising about it as I was taking the picture, for fucks sake! I couldn’t look at him while I was taking the picture. I was just concentrating on the other guy.

He knows the affect he has on me, and he loves it! And I love that he loves it. And I love that he wants to toy with me like that. And I miss it. I miss him toying with me. Playing with me, like I’m a Celebrate “rag doll”.

And…it just makes me adore him all the more. He tangles me up in knots…but I SSOOO want to be in his presence! 

I just wish I could talk to him. REALLY talk to him. Like…every day. Not a million words…just a small exchange every day. Pondering this last night, I was thinking wouldn’t it be lovely to be able to email him each night? I’d just email him each night with some…I dunno…just something…it wouldn’t matter how inane it was (except I know it would…I already fear I bore him immeasurably) and he’d send a reply the next morning. Every morning, I’d have an email from Jim…

But, of course…that’s what the Facebook posts from him are…but just for all of us…not just for me.

A girl will dream, and continue to do so…until her dying breath.