And so, here we are, with just two days to go until Glasgow…I turn into a bundle of nerves and jelly.
I reflect upon ALL my stupid behaviour and feel myself being in his presence and how unable to live with myself I will be.
For the person I am online is not really the person I am in reality. It’s not that I LIE about who I am…it is just…I can exude a confidence online that I lack in reality.
All this stuff I do with Jim online? I am just constantly seeking his approval and wanting him to like me.
I felt I had it. It was tangible. And for the past 3 months it feels like I’ve been, extremely unintentionally, hellbent on destroying it. Like I kept pushing some “self-destruct” button, over and over, and couldn’t stop.
And now it is coming to crunch time, and I am just these couple of days away of being in his presence…it all hits home. All the stupidity. I wish I could stop it. I do. But it is like a drug. You are always wanting more.
I will be petrified of meeting him. I will. Not because I am scared…per se…but I am…fearful of what he really thinks of me. I’m sure he must think that I am quite deranged. How the hell did I get here?! I have not given him any other reason to….desire to meet me. I’ve been a completely warped, crazy…just…
I dread that HE dreads me showing up.
I just want to be “normal”. I was normal…once.
I wanted to be able to converse with him, face to face…for however fleeting amount of time it would be. I mean…I must look like a complete fruit loop and a contradictory idiot. One day I’m telling him I’ll never ask to meet him ever, ever again. The next I am posting a pic of myself with David Tennant on the visitor wall asking for a selfie with him. Jesus, he must think I’m fucking INSANE!
And so now, dread and fear is taking over. I will love the gigs, I know I will…but I seriously doubt I’ll be able to show my face to him.
How can I erase all the stupid behaviour? How can I erase inappropriate comments I’ve made to him?
And of course I am infatuated with him. Duh! But it is a love that is an admiration and inspiration above all else. All that art that sprang forth from me…he was the muse. And I do mean that in a genuine non-sycophantic, non-ogling way. I get such imagery and such emotion from Simple Minds songs…and it’s from those lyrics. From Jim’s words. It meant enough for me to get SM lyrics tattooed on my skin. It was no irrational, spur-of-the-moment thing to get my first SM tattoo and want it to be a line from Wonderful In Young Life. The song had me in tears the first time I heard it. Time has passed, and thankfully it no longer makes me cry…it makes me happy (well, it always made me happy…the tears were happy tears, but also tears for things I felt I missed, due to my sheltered existence) and I feel that Jim helped to bring me out of myself. But possibly too much the other way.
That’s what happens. I get over-zealous. And then it leads me to act and behave not as I normally would.
I really am starting to think I am an undiagnosed bipolar sufferer, just because my moods can be so extreme. I shoot up to the highest of highs…and then flatline and plateau down to the depths…all within a day.
I will retreat. I will recoil.
The inflatable doughnut?! Just more bravado and silliness. YES, I bought it…but I highly doubt I am going to take it along. I really don’t need to make myself stand out any more than I have lately….for all the wrong reasons.
Jim…I am sorry. I have only ever wanted you to love me. That is all. Actually…not even for you to love me…but to respect me. That is what I wanted…and what I felt I had and fear I have lost.