A Daddy’s Girl?

That picture of Jim with Yasmin I shared earlier is such a lovely, intimate photo.

It’s so good of him to admit his foibles in fatherhood. To admit he wasn’t always there for Yasmin (and his regret of that fact), and yet they have reconciled and are close.

I wish my father could have done the same for me. But he, reputedly by my mum, thought it better to have a clean cut…walk away entirely and never see me! He was a young man too. Barely 21 when I was born. Already married and with a young daughter. Maybe my mum should have known better, being so much older than him? But she was obviously so in love with him, it made seeing sense hard. She will forever lay blame at him…
He pretty much turned my mum into a man-hater.

I’ve gone through bouts of laying the blame squarely on him as well. But, he was a 21 year old man…already married, with a child. What did my mum expect? Ultimately though, instead of also turning me into a man-hater and misandrous, he turned me man-lover and androphile. I have ADORED men all my life. Yes, there is obviously just some basic biology going on there…but I really do adore them. I have yearned and craved being with them for all the days I can remember. And it’s not always in a sexual sense, either. I’ve yearned men’s acceptance and approval. I would always gravitate to the men huddled together at family gatherings. I would want ‘in’ on their conversations. They would talk about the things I was interested in…cricket, cars, music. I didn’t want to hear talk about babies and housework and ‘aren’t all men crap/dumb/useless?’. I used to think it was me being a tomboy…and there was probably a degree of that, but upon reflection, there was something more deeply ingrained. More visceral going on there.

A lot of my feelings towards men have been unrequited. I always seemed to be attracted to boys that didn’t want me back. And sometimes when the love appeared requited, the boys would just be playing with me. One of my first boyfriends, Rodney J, did that to me. I adored him! And I kept asking him out (never backwards in coming forwards, me!), but he was wholly uninterested. Then one day, he said yes! He’d go out with me. It didn’t last long. One day when I visited his house, his dog bit me…and that was pretty much that :-/

I lost my virginity to more unrequited love. This guy, B Mc, I had been in awe of him for 2 years before he…well, let’s be blunt…took advantage of me. I would never take that night back. I would never wish for anything different. He was utterly intoxicating…and everything right up until “the deed” itself was perfect. I have no regrets. The lead-up was beautiful. I thought maybe he had a change of heart and actually liked me. No…things became very apparent that was not the way things were going to go. I was an easy ride for him. It meant EVERYTHING to me…nothing to him.

But not even that diminished my feelings towards men.

I’m married now and committed to my relationship…but I am still SSOO ridiculously androphilic, it is INSANE. Lol. I now just channel it to the unobtainable, because it’s safe. Men like Jim, who I can just pour worship on…follow like a god, admire, lust after…drive people nuts with my incessant discussion of! Lol.

My infatuation…or dare say “love” for Jim takes two distinct forms. There’s the “mature, worldly-wise, man-bear, older statesmen” love. That one where I know he is 11 years older than me, and it’s a father figure thing, an older brother thing…but also not, because there is a physical attraction too.

And then there is the “cougar, WHERE IS MY BLOODY TARDIS?” type, where I am in love with that young, reserved, aloof, yet bolshy and ever so slightly egotistical man-boy. Jim, from 1979 up until 1984 is a magical period.

Both aspects of him are intangible…esp. the latter of the two (TARDIS required)! But, it is safe. I wouldn’t know WHAT I’d do if the intangible became…somehow, by some miracle, tangible!

So, yeah. Looking at that picture of Jim and Yasmin, I couldn’t help but think about my (non-existant) relationship with my dad…and whether I’d have a much more cynical outlook on men if I had grown up with him in my life. Whether this heavenly halo I put on men would have been broken by my father being around?

My mum is just, like “all men are bastards”.
I’m more like “no, not ALL men are bastards…and then ones that are…aren’t they beautiful? Come on! Men are beautiful! I love them. They don’t love me most of the time…but I bloody LOVE them!”

Sorry for the overshare. Just needed to get it off my chest.