Callous Contemplations

My most recent post seemed to herald more “interest” than is usually normal for anything I post on this blog.

Just as I was feeling comfortable in my place of coming to terms with certain things to do with the past decade of my life I felt I was under attack for certain things I had expressed towards the end of the previous post.

Do I always word things well? Erm, no. Can I be crass with my descriptions at times? Yes! Are those things meant to be taken light-heartedly and tongue-in-cheek? Yes.

I was asked to – to paraphrase, “explain myself” by one particular commenter and to justify my words and actions in nothing short of a rant.

I had mentioned my – again, I place a **TRIGGER WARNING** here – suicidal thoughts towards the end of 2023/beginning of 2024. Explain that I reached out to Jim Kerr but that he did the best thing for me by not responding. The implication by this person that when I reached out it was with words to the effect of “if you don’t respond, Jim, I will kill myself” is ENTIRELY false! As I had stated in the post, I am not at all pained by Kerr’s non response. As I stressed – HE DID THE RIGHT THING BY NOT RESPONDING. I’m not sure how much clearer I could have made that.

Rightly stated by the commenter, yes, I was an “obsessed” fan. I was unwell. I acknowledge this too. I knew I was ill. But, that’s the funny thing when you are ill, nationale somewhat falls by the wayside. When people are ill they tend not to think or act rationally.

This person then took it upon themselves to grade what I had written to Kerr without (I would assume) having read it, even though at some point in the recent past I had shared it here for cathartic reasons. Do I care what they think of my writing? Not a jot. I don’t claim to be a master of prose.

It mattered little to me whether Kerr had read it or not – it really wasn’t the point of it. The point was the encouragement and the support I was hoping for. And honestly, no one was more aware than me that I am of little consequence to the man. As the commenter said, why would I expect it to be any other way? Well, as I have said a few times already, I WAS ILL! Rationale falls away. I can’t make that any clearer.

I was asked why I didn’t call on family and friends during this time. Again, I stress the inability of rational thought when going through mental distress. If we all thought rationally during these crises, we wouldn’t go through them. Places like Samaritans wouldn’t exist. I had lost two of my closest family members during that past decade, so I could hardly talk to them now, could I? I’d like to explain more but that is more personal than I wish to go into here.

One of my closest friends has quite a low opinion of people who contemplate suicide, to the point where a number of years ago they expressed to me during a phone call how “inconvenienced” they felt when they were delayed getting to work as someone decided to choose being struck by a train as the way to end their life. No empathy for the person. No idea that logic and rational thinking are lost when you are in this kind of mental health crisis. The “RATIONAL THOUGHT” is always that it will be better for everyone involved, everyone that they know that they remove themselves from existence. That’s the only “rationale” happening at the time.

As for my thoughts on Jim Kerr? Well, firstly, to address another commenter’s words – I don’t hate him. That is such a strong word. I don’t hate anyone. I get disillusioned with people. I might erroneously use the term misanthropic in explaining my feelings sometimes but I am NOT “people-hating”, I am people-wary. To that extent, I am no longer “enamoured” with Jim Kerr. I don’t feel he is a very nice person with a VAST amount of hindsight under my belt. I feel he plays a part very well. He offers up a good public persona. Good luck to him, you know. I wanted to believe that he was inherently a good person and that just became less and less obvious to me. I am not going to go into any details. That is all I’m going to say on the matter.

This realisation has happened over the past 12 months, and NOT as a consequence of a supposed or perceived “rejection” as the commenter had wrongly assumed. Again, I refer to my previous statement that the “rejection” (quote/unquote) was Jim Kerr’s best action when it came to me over these past few years.

If only the commenter’s perceived “concerns” about my wellbeing had not come across as a blatant personal attack, then perhaps I would have been more open to dialogue with them.

I feel that they think I have never questioned my own actions, never question the things I write, never question the kinds of things I share on my blog. I do, constantly. I know I come across as embittered and angry. I don’t want to be like that. The most recent post was an attempt to draw a final line through it all and create a clean slate to do something positive with this blog. Something that would still encompass the good aspects about my Simple Minds fandom. I really don’t want it to be this snarky piece of crap. Much like Mr Kerr (who, likewise can fall foul of his own advice) I do want to adhere to the adage of “if you haven’t got anything nice to say, say nothing.”

So, this is where it ends. Not the blog! Rest assured to the other commenter concerned that this whole blog is going to disappear, it won’t! You actually reminded me why I started it in the first place – for fun. For a laugh! To express my silliness and to “obsess” in what started out as a ridiculous but healthy way. And, yes, it snowballed and got way out of control and then started to take itself WAY TOO seriously. But here it (the blog) will remain, and maybe, just maybe, I can rekindle a bit of the silliness and fun. And I’m sure that won’t be to everyone’s taste either – but this isn’t an official Simple Minds blog by any stretch. It is just one fan’s blog. It’s a personal thing. But I admit that there is personal and there is personal, and some things are better left unsaid.

I see the line in the sand

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