That Endless Feeling…

And it usually escalates manifold as a tour is about to start. This feeling that I am utterly and truly “persona non grata”. That Jim can’t stand me, barely tolerates me and is actually dreading seeing me in the crowd.

And I wonder why I am going to such lengths to show my love and appreciation. To be there for 13 gigs (potentially…tickets for 13 shows are booked, anyway).

Of course it’s the music and the live experience too! But more than anything it’s…just wanting to see him and be near him. Absolute hand on heart honesty. If I didn’t adore him so much, I’d probably only be going to four gigs at most.

Then I get reassured by friends who are fellow fans. “He loves you!”. Nah, he’s just a good actor. He won’t be a shit to me unless I really, really deserve it (2018 and my “real fans” dummy-spit, anyone?). So then I feel that inwardly he just…dreads and abhors the sight of me…or maybe even worse still, pities me. Finds me ridiculous (in a truly pathetic way). Well, let’s be honest, I am.

I just wish it never mattered. That I didn’t care. That…it would just stop playing on my mind and be literally the only thing I can think about at the moment.

Copenhagen is less than two weeks away and I am starting to feel all that gut-churning stuff again. Why do I put myself through this? It’s insane!

This photo appears in the latest Classic Pop magazine. A big old feature of SM is inside with Jim and Charlie on the cover.

In this photo Jim’s face seems to epitomise that feeling I have of what he thinks “You really are the most pathetic creature. You poor, sad cow.”

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