Distinctly Average

I want to believe I have SOME ability or aptitude for SOMETHING. I think I take a knock to any minor degree of confidence I have in myself SSSOOO hard that I end up giving up. I have GOT TO STOP this from happening!

I really do think it is why I “fell” so hard for Jim. I’ll run over old ground, I know….I’m sorry! But that thing of him making – what felt like to me at least – such a show of what I had done…it gave me a sense of worth that I don’t think I had ever felt in my life. Or if I ever felt it before then, not for a very long time until then.

Where is this post going?

Around lunchtime today I got the result of my first assignment. And I am no doubt being overly analytical and overly critical of my result. I scored a 60. By no means a fail. It is what is deemed a “clear pass”. And I got myself tied up in knots because I couldn’t open the file with my tutor’s detailed assessment notes and comments on my submitted assignment, all I could see was the file of the official grade. So I saw my grade and could see no feedback.

I take things like this so badly. I’m just not strong like I need to be. I take it all so personally and so deeply. I then get too emotional. Cry my heart out and wallow in all the negative aspects and concern myself with what I have got wrong and don’t see this assignment grade as a positive start with natural room for growth, but as “Oh, I knew I’d be AVERAGE. I am not understanding the questions properly, or I am not replying and answering in the way that is required. God, WILL I EVER GET THIS?!”

I got a lower mark for my answer on Elizabeth I than I did for my answer for Mary, the mother of Jesus, and a more detailed feedback on Elizabeth too.

I was pretty adamant about what topics I wanted to work on for my second assignment but my result is making me rethink. I am having a rethink because I felt that the topics I have enjoyed the most should be the ones I work with for my assignment. But is that the best line of approach? Should it be what I have enjoyed learning most? Or should it be what I feel best at responding to?

I spent the afternoon allowing myself to wallow in self-pity. To let myself feel disappointed with myself, but give myself a right talking to tomorrow! View my result again and actually see it for what it is – a very fine first attempt! Not a fail! Not a bare pass! But a CLEAR PASS! And not the bottom end of a clear pass either! (Clear pass rate is 55-69)

I will learn. I will PASS better – next time. NOT “fail better” – PASS better, by learning from my own “failures”.

Illustration of how appalling my hand writing is and how riddled with typographical errors it is. Made all the worse when I am trying to write quickly by taking notes. This is my writing on a good day!

4 thoughts on “Distinctly Average

  1. First up, you passed, that’s good, well done. 😎 This is your first feedback from the tutor so pay special attention to their comments. A good tutor will tell you where you did well but also let you know where you can pick up more marks for the next one. They will always guide you to what they are looking for.

    • Thanks, Scott. With time to reflect on it, I am feeling more positive about it. It’s a clear pass with positive feedback and constructive guidance for next time. Armed with these I can only improve next time. And I am buoyed by the notion that I will. I will definitely give it my best anyway.

  2. My dear Lady you did real good on your first time assignment. Please do not over think this, you need to write from the heart not from the mind of what you think they want you to write. Answer your own questions of thought and mix it up like you are serving an exotic dinner where you are educating what you want people to look at and see. Sort of looking inside out. Educate them on how you see through who you are. And above all have fun with it. Do not forget they will always criticize if they know you can do better….

    • Thanks, Sage. It is the worst part of me that I take criticism incredibly harshly – even when it is constructive and given with the best of intentions. It harbingers all my own negative feelings and reaction…”I’m not good enough. Unless. Not smart enough. Not talented enough. Not funny enough. Not pretty enough.” On and on, etc, etc.
      But I need to change that. Need to find my own self-worth and self-belief and not fear the things that will actually help me grow and get better.
      There’s also a little element of me wondering if we’re going to end up speeding into hell in a handcart what point is there in doing this? We’ll see. I can’t let that defeatist mindset get the better of me.

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