It Was All For You – But It Was For Me Too

Let’s try and reset the clock and think of the good things.

Before I start that – thank you to Sage, who commented on a previous post with some rather apt – as her name suggests – sage words.

I’d like to think I am intelligent enough, and I know what needs to be done but I am obviously very emotionally stunted. So, I can have all the analytical, rational and lateral intelligence in all the world but if I can’t keep my emotions in check, or I struggle to rationalise my emotional wellbeing, that’s when it all falls apart.

I will post below here what Sage has written to me. They are words I know are true and right. I wish I had the emotional intelligence and resolve I need right now.

I need to apologise to Jim.

For one final time I am going to try to explain this as best I can. I don’t know why I feel so compelled to explain this, I just do. Maybe somehow to just rationalise it for myself as much as anything? I don’t know.

I hate for it to be misconstrued that I am IN LOVE with Jim and that I wish to be with him. IT IS NOT THAT! It really is not that! I do love him, yes. But it is a love of adulation, not of lust or desire (and lust and desire isn’t love anyway). Any notion like that is tied up with Jim in the past. The young Jim. The 22/23 year old Jim that I confess to being visually and aesthetically drawn to.

It is not how I feel about the Jim of the present. The Jim of the present is more where the emotions lay. It’s a romantic love, but not in a way that means I wish to be with him. I will never claim to know him. I don’t. And I never will. That’s the bitter pill. That’s the thing that causes the pain. That I would like to actually know him and have him be fond of me and see me as a dear friend. A friend. Nothing more! Not a lover. Not a girlfriend. Just someone that he would like to talk to on occasion. Someone who he’d think of during the day, pondering “I wonder how she’s doing? I hope she’s okay?” and then would get in contact to see how I was. That’s it.

But I am aware that even that is A LOT. That it’s a lot to ask and I can wish for that as much as I like but if he doesn’t feel that way, if there is no element of him liking me or trusting me or wanting to allow me in, then…it can’t be forced. I can wish for it all I like – until I make myself sick with it.

I am sorry, Jim, if it seemed or felt as though I was endlessly making demands of you. My naivety in thinking that positivity between us would have us feed each other. But it can’t work like that when only one person is providing the positivity. And I guess you have given me plenty of explanations as to why you are where you are and I am where I am.

You radiate light and warm, generosity and humour, wit and charm. You’re articulate and a lot of the time erudite. But maybe that is all public persona? I never felt that it was. One can only act for so long.

I am just me. Just one person. Just one fan in… how many fans? How many people wanting your attention? Wanting – and I hate this term, but I guess it applies – a piece of you? And you as one man, JUST “a man” (as several people like to remind me time and again), can only spread yourself so far.

I started typing out this post downstairs in the dining area of the living room, but I have now moved upstairs to my bedroom. The little bit of “office” area of my bedroom. Where I am hoping to keep looking after this blog. I look up just over and above the screen of my PC and this is what I see.

Sunshine. He is sunshine. He just radiates it. Warmth and beauty. And I just want to bask in it – constantly! I want to bask in the glow of him. And that should be enough. To look at the beauty of him. To bask in the sunshine of him. For it to be what it was when I wrote this that follows…

“…You are tantalisingly tangible
Yet I don’t really know who you are.

I find you intoxicating
And will be happy
Spending all the rest of my days
Drinking you in from afar.”

I need to find that place again. The place in which I never made demands. The place before Hunter And The Hunted. The place before he knew my name. Knew who I was. Knew what a stupid, pathetic creature I am.

I need to stop beating myself up. And I need to stop wanting him to be things he can’t be.

Right about this time seven years ago I’d be making those tentative steps again (after trying in 2006 and it not really going anywhere) to try and get a handle on the Simple Minds back catalogue. Listening to Life In A Day. It really was a slow burn (“stay – I’m burning slow”) but of the handful of songs that seeped their way in…the first to take hold was All For You. I loved the guitar riff. It’s a rather more “traditional rock” piece from them, with a standard verse/chorus song structure, which is actually fairly unusual for Jim to write that way during those early years. I love the backing vocals also. His voice is a higher register at that point but I find it soft and sultry on that song.

It was the seed that germinated what I was to become as a Simple Minds fan.

I wish I could start again. Wipe the slate clean. Not get so…invested in it. Perhaps have stayed away from going anywhere near the band’s Facebook page? Oh, but had I done that? Well, I wouldn’t have met the beautiful people I have met. I wouldn’t have some of the friends I have now. Including the one whose pictures of “Mr Sunshine” are on the wall just above.

And I wouldn’t have the good and wonderful and happy memories I have of Jim. Perhaps for a time he actually DID like me? He made a fuss enough. But was it actually of me? Of Larelle, or just “the new fan”. That I was just an object of curiosity and intrigue for a time until I shared everything about myself and there was no intrigue left. No “enigma”.

And…I do this too. I do this far too much. I overanylise and “overthink”. I read too much into things and I put into them a degree of importance that just doesn’t exist, or only exists for me alone.

But I feel like Jim gave me a strength. He gave me a strength and a belief in myself that I had never had. And the things it allowed me to do no doubt seem minuscule to many, but for me they were momentous and profound. And I loved him for it. I loved him for freeing me from the things I felt restricted by.

But I guess it has come full circle and now I feel somewhat imprisoned by those feelings that at one time felt so freeing and liberating. Because I keep craving those things.

He has NEVER bored me. He has never made me tired and he has never stopped being a curiosity to me.

I live in hope that my awareness of my emotional stupidity is the thing that sees me through it. But I also fear a feeling of a loss. That I need to walk away from it all. That before I drown, I should try and get myself out of the water. Instead of just praying he’ll reach out to me with a hand, with a fingertip to say “I won’t let you drown.”

It’s like… I want permission. I want permission to love him. I want to know that it’s okay that I do. And that he doesn’t see me as odd or strange, or thinks I’m weird or an idiot, or worst of all – pities me. That he understands. That he cares that I care! But how can I expect that of him?

I don’t know where I go from here. I feel I should talk about it because… because supposedly it helps to talk? I worry about “exposing” myself.

I don’t know how to end this post.

7 thoughts on “It Was All For You – But It Was For Me Too

  1. Thank-you so much for allowing me to put it out there for you. Who said it was easy to be human? I was lucky to meet Jim in 85 I believe. He came to see me for an intuitive input. I do believe it may have helped at that time. I do not think he would remember but you would never know…. I remember telling him about this wonderful black singer and he said he just hired one, to which I replied she has a hell of a great voice. I do believe that was Saraha. I am glad she still works with him. And his new drummer is wonderful…. If you could pass a message along from me. Tell him to get a hold of Kate Bush and Peter Gabriel. It is time to work with them…. Charlie would love that too. It is time to get the music out to tell the truth about things. I hope he and Charlie know what I mean…. Keep well and do not worry Love yourself to understand who you really are…. Do not let words get in your way and try not to over think, go out hug a tree or sit by water and let it go….. Of course a good scream into a pillow helps now and then too….

    • If it was 1985 then the lady you are thinking of will be Robin Clark and she is amazing – and still going strong. Her stint with Simple Minds was a brief one. Sarah has performed with them for over 10 years now. And she is also incredibly talented. And the drummer – Cherisse Osei? Beauty and talent all rolled into one. A beautiful woman with an incredible heart. And talent by the bucketload.
      I don’t have any affiliation with the band at all, but perhaps if Jim happens upon my blog, he may see your comments, but I can’t guarantee that.
      That you for the messages of warmth and support. It is greatly appreciated. ❤️

      • Thank-you for letting me know about Robin Clark. Do you know what she has been up to lately? I really Love Sarah. She is magic and a great therapist of voice. Very handy to have her on board with the group…. Hope you keep well Priptona. We are here to learn and grow, there for you allowed to make mistakes. How else to learn to grow. Know thy self. Not always easy…..

        • I’m not sure what Robin does these days. I think she is still involved in music. I think she works a lot with her husband, Carlos Alomar.
          Sarah is wonderful, yes.
          Thank you again for the kind words. I feel I am doing a bit better but I’m taking it day by day. Some days are always better than others. I try to fight my way through.

          • Priptona, please be kind to yourself. We are all in need of love but have a hard time to learn we have to love ourselves first. That never made any sense to me until I went through what I experienced after a 101/2 hour surgery that saved my life but put me in a disability situation. It over whelmed me to find out how many people really cared about me. And how many really loved me. Not even my own family cared as much as my clients and new friends. I cried every time someone came to the hospital to visit or send me flowers and letters. It was so overwhelming. It was a year and a half before I got out. A long time to really take time to see who I was and to understand I was O.K. It is amazing what we attract in life to learn. You have a special heart take care of it…..

  2. Gorgeous it’s me on my phone trying to do voice to text. So I hope your excuse any typos that you may see. I’ve read your last few posts and I feel the pain almost coming from the screen. Can I just please say I understand sages words, but please don’t apologise. I feel like you have spent your life apologising. You are fabulously knowledgeable and in all things Simple Minds, and the only thing you are guilty of is just loving the band and loving their music. You haven’t done anything wrong. It breaks my heart to feel that you think this way. Jim is okay. Trust me I believe he is a really strong man. I think he has had to be, but you are a beautiful empath that feels everything and take things so personally. Please for me try and stop. I’m sending you a big hug from here. I don’t know when the time comes where you can actually separate your love of the band and your love of just being alive and other things. I know for me it was a very very hard time back in the 80s. But I know that you can do it. You Can still do it. Love from me

    • I love you and miss you and I wish I could have that hug so much. All I see is us at Avalon airport – your tears and me kissing your hand. ❤️❤️

Leave a comment