Today I awoke (or as Jim would say it, “wakened up”) and the sky was still in a deeper hue of dawn for a star to be visible. I wasn’t expecting that. It was quite bright too. Obviously. Bright enough for me to see it without any optical aid and in my ever fading dwam.
Although I know it wasn’t a shooting star, I wished upon it all the same.
“Star light, star bright / I’m the star you see tonight / And I wish I may, I wish I might / Be in your dreams tonight”
Today I feel a little brighter. The sky was brighter this morning, even if still in that deeper hue of dawn that it will be in until the clocks go back next weekend.
I am giggling at things and finding the funny side again.
Acceptance plays a big part in things. It’s that old adage – “(Insert your choice of deity here) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Basically, I’m trying to stop being a dumb fuck. Lol. In the meantime, I wanted to share this. I was taking a keek at the latest Uncut magazine when I didn’t quite take in the title of Elvis Costello’s new album. I’ll leave it to your imagination as to how I initially read it…
I am sorry I have been ‘incommunicado’ for the past couple of days to those who have tried to reach out to me. I’m sorry. I became very insular and I was not in a good place.
I have come to the realisation that…as much as I wanted to try to do it, and as much in the early stages it seemed to be going somewhere, the painting has had the most devastatingly negative affect on my wellbeing. I never expected in a million years it would make me feel this way, but it does. I have to stop. I’m sitting in a room full of canvases and I will need to remove them. Put them away somewhere.
I had to let one person down already with a commission and that caused me so much pain. The painting itself causes more pain than I was ready for, but disappointing someone, not being able to fulfil to a commitment was even more devastating and started the spiral.
I have one other painting commission to fulfil, and I will try my hardest to fulfil it. To let one person down is gut-wrenching enough…to let TWO down? I will spiral beyond all control. As painful as the painting is…I will try and finish it. And that will be it. Canvases gone!
The painting I will try to finish will have to wait until Friday because on Thursday there is something very important I need to do and I need to have myself in the best mindset I can possibly get myself into. It is a very, VERY big deal for me. Please do not ask about it, it is something I can’t discuss. I’ve said too much about it already. Hopefully all will be revealed in due course.
The painting will come to an end once this final commission is dealt with.
I may eventually feel I can get back to it, in time…but for now it must stop. I may never get back to it. I still want to paint birds. And if I pick up the brushes again, birds WILL be ALL I will paint. Anything else is now unthinkable.
The digital art will continue. It is the absolute antithesis to the painting. It repairs me. It lifts my mood. It makes me feel creative, capable, useful…alive. Happy. Perhaps it is mainly due to the subject matter I choose to work on? Who knows. But it remains the most therapeutic of artistic endeavours for me.
To those who reached out to me who I have not replied to, I am sorry. I am trying to dig my way out. Knowing you are there reaching out to me means everything. Trust me! I may not have said that to you all individually…but you guys being there means the world. It does. Thank you.
