Thanks For Asking, Dana.

Yeah. Because some of us only miss you every second of every day and are made to feel like a sychotic lunatic for asking/enquiring/saying about it endlessly.

So…I look in on FB for the first time in nearly a week, and it just compounds everything I have been feeling lately.

I honestly do not know what I did…what I have done. I just feel like I am absolutely persona non grata. Someone within the SM ranks somewhere…Jim himself. I dunno.

It just used to be the thing that made me feel alive. Happy. Upbeat. The one thing that brightened my day. It was just so…

It was just…everything.

I can’t explain it properly and I am so tired of going over it again and again and again.

The whole “real fans” thing in the summer of 2018 – I thought that was breaking my frigging heart – but whatever is happening now…whatever I am feeling now? It feels 100 fold. I keep waiting for the end. I keep waiting for point when…it’ll stop hurting…or…he’ll just say something or…just something. That something will change, something will improve, or I’ll just finally “move on”.

In my head…in my eyes, the last image I have of him looking at me is in Copenhagen, and me doing that stupid thing of pointing at the banana on my shirt – something I normally wouldn’t do (point to myself or just…try to get his attention) and I just see the look on his face and the tears sting my eyes, because I feel like a fucking idiot.

And so, YES! I am wondering how the fuck he is all the fucking time – but if I expressed that, I’d be deemed a clingy fucking saddo and have this Maris Piper shithead on my back.

So I stay away. I keep away. And I don’t know genuinely if it is helping or making things worse.

This time tomorrow…had things all been as normal…before the world of lockdown and Corona, I’d be at a meet and greet in Bordeaux. Would I have been brave enough to ask? Would I have needed to ask? What I have remembered to ask? Or, as usual, be rendered fucking dumbstruck. Do I just end up with Jim Kerr the actor?

Does it cut me up this much worrying if David Bowie ever would have liked me or not? Of course not!

I try to explain this as best I can but I just lose it every time.

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