Mourning…

Jim, I miss you. There are things about you that drive me absolutely nuts. I’m sure the reverse is also true. Of course it would be! I never deluded myself it could be anything else.

But I miss…a new day. A day full of promise, and hope and joy. And you would always be at the centre of it. My day would always begin with a Simple Minds song. The most uplifting of them all I would find that roused me from my sleep was New Gold Dream. And then, I would open up Facebook and see what you had posted this morning. You have been the centre of my universe, well, if not all the four years I have been a mega Simple Minds fan, then certainly for the past three of the four years.

The positivity you gave to me. The belief that I could be something…someone…do something…achieve things…set goals for myself and complete them…have determination…not feel defeatist….it’s what made me fall in love with you.

I don’t care how that sounds. Of course I knew it would always be unrequited! That was always going to be…but I did, perhaps delude myself I was liked by you in return. How could I not have? The amount of attention my art received…that *I* received? I can never really articulate properly what that meant. You gave me such positivity and belief in myself. Something I had not had in a very long time…if I ever actually had it at all.

There was such a void in my life. It was just empty. And I was searching for something, and I found Simple Minds. It all became such a huge part of my life. You did.

The interactivity I’ve had with you has meant so very much. Too much, probably. How could it not? You don’t ever have to talk to us, correspond with us. You don’t even need to have a presence on Facebook. You could just let admins take care of SMO, but you don’t. It is you that talks to us fans, and I had always been forever grateful of it.

Did I take it for granted? Sometimes, yes. Would I over-enthuse? Of course! How many times did you tell me to “calm down”? Lol. But that excitement and adoration would get the better of me. It always did.

From the earliest times…and through the past few years…talking to you about Blackstar when it was released. Sharing with you the grief of David’s passing. Discussions on SM music…how you came about writing the lyrics for songs on Sons/Sister…walking about the streets of Glasgow with the tunes playing on your Walkman. (You changed the way I would take my daily constitutional as a result.) Right up until the most recent exchange about Roxy Music and Bryan Ferry. I treasured every exchange we had. (Well, nearly every…there was one I didn’t appreciate. And how has that come back to bite me, yet again.)

All the good that has been! My love of the music. Of interactivity with you, meeting other fans, making new and lasting friendships with people I may have never otherwise have met…it was Simple Minds that brought us together. Going to gigs. Loving the live music experience. I have been to more gigs in the past 18 months than I have ever been to in my entire life.

Meeting you. Having an actual dream come true. Dreaming that I had met you and that you had hugged me. And then it was made real. You talking to me from the stage in Bristol. Saying my name. I had longed to hear you say my name…and I never imagined you saying it in such a way. I was given a copy of the audio of it…and I played it over and over. Never had my name sounded more exotic 🙂

You have given me such sweet gifts, Jim. I treasure them all. So, how could I not offer you gifts in return? Tokens of appreciation…gratitude…love? I know you told me in February not to send you gifts, but I did it because I wanted to. Not because I felt obliged but to express beyond words what it all meant, and still means.

It *STILL* means absolutely everything. I want you to know that. I don’t want to feel embittered. Because it has been such a wonderful part of my life.

I have to explain Aix…what happened. Why I looked so “gloomy”. Before I left…well, firstly, what happened between us had happened, and on the same day I’d heard that my mum had taken ill and was in hospital, then hours later, my great niece also ended up in hospital. I was about to travel some 600 miles, via various transport, to a music festival and the timing could not be worse.

I could not have gone. But I’d have wasted money I couldn’t afford to waste by not going.

I wanted to be at the front because…being at the front at a Simple Minds concert…there is usually no place on earth I would rather be. And…I was hoping I could somehow express regret for how I had behaved…for the things I had said. But, I couldn’t bring myself to look at you. Not as an act of defiance. Unlike your defiant stance at the end of The Signal And The Noise. To tell me you don’t care. I don’t believe you! Had you not cared…had you not been hurt, you’d have not blocked me from SMO FB. That is what I want to believe. I need to believe it! That you are hurting too. And that…although I am but one fan, and there are MANY others to take my place…that you actually liked and appreciated me. That that is why you would talk to me, because you wanted to, that you were happy to. Not because you felt obliged.

And so, I could not bring myself to look at you. Your defiant stance told me all I needed to know. Why would I want to look and have you pierce right through me? How was I ever going to make you see how remorseful I was? I have never felt more unwelcome at a Simple Minds gig. I suppose I could have moved through the crowd and disappeared…but I couldn’t leave my friend.

I was waiting for something to happen. Waiting for it to get better…to feel the usual excitement and joy I would normally feel. To hear those amazing songs. To watch you grab the audience by the hand and watch them take flight with you. To take flight with you myself. I missed watching you.

Being a Simple Minds fan…being a Jim Kerr fan…

It transcended everything – beyond the music. Your love and acknowledgement. Love is probably far too strong a word…but you used to make me feel loved in return. Esp. from early 2016…with the art and the interactivity. I had never known anything like it. I probably never will again.

You gave me so much, Jim. How could I have not…fallen in love with you? If you have truly had enough of me. If you really can just, move on? Well I must too. But I don’t know how…

Simple Minds have become my life. I never saw it being any other way. It’s inked on my skin. I’ll never regret the tattoos. I’ll never regret a single second of any it. And I don’t want to talk in past tense…like it’s all over. I don’t want it to be over! I thought this was just the beginning…

My love for Simple Minds is bonded irrevocably with my love for you, Jim. I’m not sure one can exist without the other.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s