Jim’s reply to me the other night? Well, you know from the previous post, it was “Oh, haha…touché!” I took it initially as a snide (but with warped humour) retort.
But over the past 48 hours or so the humour has left it and…it has just…nibbled away at me. Just little nibs, turning to larger chunks until last night it had grown into this…seething…lava-spewing cascade of resentment. It’s just FESTERING inside me! (I think I have PMS, and if that is too much information for some of you…just, deal with it! I’m not in the mood to worry about whether I’ve trodden on delicate toes. I’m a woman. I bleed. Get over it!)
And I’m still angry…The more I think about it, the more I stew!
It’s like it’s just….swirling and FERMENTING inside me.
I know I have to let it go. I have to let it wash off me…but, yeah.
I want to list all the memorabilia I’ve bought.
I want to list all the vinyl I’ve bought.
The money I’ve spent at the SM shop.
The hours and HOURS of play on Spotify.
The artwork I’ve done.
The stuff that hangs on my walls.
THE INK ON MY SKIN (with more coming!)
I already retorted to him about the nine tickets I bought for this tour. (Nevermind the six bought previously – some gigs in pairs.)
Add to it the cost of travel and (when needed) accommodation…and it’s some sum! Nothing he’d sneeze at, I’m sure. I few pairs a Prada shoes. No biggy…
YES! I may have only been a fan for less than 3 years…but f*** me! I was a Bowie fan for THIRTY until Simple Minds took hold…and … well, it took me until last year to even get any Bowie themed ink on my skin!
I love David. I mean, as an artist, a talent…I could not love this man more. He gave me SSSOOOO much, without even knowing it. I never wrote to him. Never sent him a thank you. I would never have dreamed of it. For me, he was untouchable. I miss him…every…single…day.
I never felt I had to prove my worth to him. My dedication. My fandom.
But I do with SM…and, well, obviously…it will never be enough. Never enough gigs. Never enough time. Never enough money.
I can’t turn back the clock. I can’t suddenly become a fan for more years than I have been. I can’t buy more concert tickets than I can afford (I actually HAVE already done this in all honesty. I SHOULDN’T BE GOING to nine gigs! It’s too much! But, obviously NOT ENOUGH for Kerr).
So…at the moment…I just need to breathe…relax…try not to seeth, get embittered…
Find my zen. Go back to the “Oh, haha…yes, Jim. Very funny.”
A real fan. A real FAN. A REAL fan…