I don’t want to go there again. I am trying so desparately to claw my way out.
I remember all too vividly just how utterly worthless and helpless I felt. I absolutely questioned EVERYTHING. Not just why I existed…but why we all existed as humans. And I could never come up with a plausible answer. And even the things you think would be the answer “to serve a purpose, to help others”…it was never a good enough answer. The next question would be “and?”.
I wanted to be a bird. I watched birds from my bedroom window…because when I was at lowest, I never moved far from the bed.
The thing that made me better? A trip back to Astralia was one…And those birds were another. Studying them. Watching them. Channeling negavity away. Distracting myself. But, ultimately, it was accepting the purpose we serve is utterly no purpose at all! And that that is okay.
For a long time it wasn’t. For a long time I was terribly misanthropic. We were just a blight on the world. Mutants that shouldn’t ever exist. Freaks of nature that served no real purpose existing.
And on my darkest days, it is what I still believe. We are all just a bunch of cunts and add absolutely no value to the beauty and aesthetic of the world. In fact, we seem hell bent on making it as ugly as we are.
I don’t want to feel those feelings again!! I have over the past 12 months met really beautiful people. People who have restored my faith in human beings. Repaired my dark emotions.
I naively and erroniously thought that the art I do repairs the dark emotions only…but it can also very obviously exacerbate them. And when I am spiralling into the “dark place”, nothing helps. The things that I usually find solace from don’t work. Birds. Music. My Minds…David. I shut down. I recoil. I retreat.
I currently feel like a spider trapped in a bath tub. I can feel myself slipping. I can sense myself being pulled towards the plughole, someone poised at the tap to turn it on and flush me down the sink. I’m clinging on…just. Without some kind of rough surface to cling to, how will I pull myself out?
I need that out! I need to force my way out! Oh, but how?