Repetition…

I’m going through illness again. Bear with me as I try and pull myself out. Things may be quiet here for a bit. There’s not really anything to report on the SM front. Jim says they are working on new music (which is fabulous…of course I am excited. As excited as my heart and mind are allowing to be at this time) but for the fans it’s very quiet.

I hate that psychobabble phrase “It’s okay not to be okay.” I know what they are trying to say and what they mean. But right now I’m not okay AND I AM NOT OKAY WITH THAT! I want to punch myself in the face! I am angry at myself for not being okay. Because when I am not okay I am full of apathy and the lowest self-worth. I’m never exactly high with that at the best of times…

So I do stupid things like this endlessly when I feel ill. Because…his face and his beauty is the only thing that makes me feel okay.

And I know I sound ridiculous and pathetic and I hate myself for it. I just descend into a hole, down a well and sometimes I feel like I’ll never get out again.

I hate not being okay…

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