It is all the whole reason I ever did them. Oh, yes…I would love more than anything in the world for it to be something I can do professionally and make a living from…but that came later, that thinking and wish – once having realised I may actually be half decent at SOMETHING in my life. And if, on just one single day, I didn’t have some skewed sense of swagger and bravado, certain aspects of my life would be entirely different now.
If a certain someone had not taken a blind bit of notice, then I’d have dared not dream. The dream still continues…but it’ll be all it ever is. I don’t have the grit and fight in me to manifest it. To bring it to fruition. I’m a quitter. A giver upperer. And therefore a highly unattractive prospect. I doubt my own artistic ability daily and drowned in my own timeline of seeing a wealth of incredible talent…people far more talented than me, and they get NOWHERE. What chance I? I’ve already wasted hundreds of pounds tenuously trying to pursue things…I could end up wasting thousands. Money I just do not have.
So, it’ll remain a hobby. A side project. Something I do that actually makes me feel a worthy human being for a little while and works for me as therapy when I feel sub-standard and ready for the scrap heap.
I wish I could make that man proud again. I never thought my heart was ever going to beat at a normal rhythm again on January 5th, 2016. I had never felt an adrenaline kick like it in all my life. Like someone actually kickstarted my heart and I actually began living.
I don’t think he’ll ever truly appreciate what it meant.
Thank you, Leslie, for your wonderful words. You reminded me of why it all began. Why I started it. It was just an exercise in highlighting what an amazing lyricist Mr James Kerr, esquire, is.
“Give me the words, the ones I keep learning”