I don’t want to think anymore about certain things. But my subconscious won’t let me rest. Again, I had dreams last night that meant I was dreaming of ‘Simple Minds’ in the broader context and my dream involved a former member of the band discussing with me the current member of the band. I came round from the dream thinking: This shit still?! Can’t you just leave me alone now? I’m trying to remove myself from it so much.
I went back to Facebook last week. Mostly due to the intrigue of when exactly my last post had been. It was 10 November and it was about SOMEONE – sadly. It was the reason I wanted to get off the platform. I was just so sick of being surrounded by Simple Minds stuff. Nearly two months away and little seemed to have changed. There was still so much of the content showing up on my feed. Even though I am either not following these profiles and pages or had limited their presence on my FB feed as much as possible because I hadn’t even opened the site for almost two months, it was all there clogging up my feed once more. I did some maintenance. I placed some things on 30-day mutes, others I unfollowed completely. Did it make me feed any better? Not initially. The algorithm is an arse.
Instagram is better in that I really don’t see any SM content there at all, or at least very little. But Instagram has become an arse in other ways different to Facebook. You NEVER see friends’ content. You just see the stuff that the algorithm feeds you. Reels of endless, meaningless crap. It’s great for mindlessly scrolling through cat reels and short comedy skits and things like that but there is little of any real substance there.
I miss people! I miss being in contact with friends. I have come to realise…well, I think I have known it for a long while now… although I’m not great in that situation too, I feel a much better communicator face-to-face. Well, maybe not a better communicator but more of a connection with people when I am with them in person.
I can feel my misanthropy returning. I can feel myself retreating more and more, hence the withdrawal from Facebook. It wasn’t all down to trying to get away from the deluge of SM related content on there, it was also feeling like I have less and less of a connection to most of the people there that I have as friends. It all feels so superficial there. I can’t be bothered to post anything there. I feel like I don’t have anything to say to anyone. I feel lazy and tired. I feel less and less like interacting with people. Friends. And I know that’s a very bad thing. That’s no slight on them. It’s all on me.
I feel a pressure to still be interacting with the fanbase. I’m conscious that the book will be out this year and I will have to do that thing – the plugging and the selling and it scares me. I’m worried. I feel vulgar just thinking about it. But I know I’m going to have to do it. I’m going to have to try and shift the product. Some friends try to convince me there’ll be interest from SM fans. People will buy copies, no worries. I don’t think that’s true at all. Few people will be interested or care. I hardly care about it myself, so why would I expect or hope others to? I worry about the stock I’ll have left to shift.
I’m so terrible at keeping in contact with people and it’s getting worse. A friend will message me and I might take days or weeks to reply. I’m hiding behind a veneer that my studies come first. Yes, they do. I want to do the best I can. I’m conflicted about continuing to study. My aim has been towards getting my DipHE in English. This is my final year doing that. Then I think: What’s a diploma? Shouldn’t I strive for a degree? But what’s a university degree worth these days? It will ultimately only be for a sense of personal achievement. And, well, isn’t a diploma ‘achievement’ enough? For a high school drop-out at 14 to get the equivalent of pre-entry level Honours (or the Scots equivalent) – a DipHE falls between advanced level high school certificates and a Bachelor of Arts – is pretty darn good, right? There will be a degree ceremony to attend. And I love learning. I LOVE being in a learning environment but what I really don’t enjoy is having to show what I’ve learned. The assignments fill me with dread and I really don’t feel very competent with them, even after 4 years of part-time study. You would think I would be at least STARTING to feel confident about submitting essays? Nope!
I forgot things so much easier these days. I mean, even just when compiling my ‘Best of the Year’ stuff during the liminal season. I was convinced that the only newly published book I’d read for 2025 was THAT BOOK. (Not that I completed reading it until this year – 2026). I had completely forgotten about Lee Stuart Evans’ Pleasantly Disturbed. I felt awful for having forgotten it because I really bloody enjoyed it. I loved it! So, how could I forget it? I don’t know? Trauma from Bellahouston Park? Wanting to forget everything Simple Minds themed? Most likely it was that but it didn’t stop me from feeling bad about it.
So yes, I am focusing on my studies, but for how much longer? Part of me wants to continue on. Another part of me doesn’t see the point. I don’t feel confident in studying English Literature. I read so slowly. I’m really not very good at analysing texts. If I continue studying and aim for a BA in Creative Writing then I will have to study English Literature at a more advanced level. I am already struggling to do that at this level. I did so well with the Creative Writing module but it already feels so long ago and has any of what I learned even stuck? Most likely not.
What’s this all for, this post?
I don’t know. A vent. A contemplation. An explanation.
I miss people. I want to reach out to them and then at the same time I want to stay in my bubble and not talk to anyone. Continue to be incommunicado. Keep my study brain.
I am my own worst enemy. Nothing changes.