Last year I decided to rekindle my former personal blog which used to be called ‘Antipodean – The Right Side Up’. That title seemed dated as I wanted the blog to be more about the now and my new life in Scotland and my university studies, so with the revamp I decided on giving it an updated title and changed it to ‘University and Unicorns’ – unicorns in homage to the animal representing Scotland on the UK coat of arms. I wanted to separate my uni studies and my personal life away from this blog…. But the thing is what I’m studying at uni, WHY I’m studying at uni, my move to Glasgow…all of it is so intrinsically linked to writing for this blog, my love of music, my love for Simple Minds, I find it difficult to separate these things out.
I’m so conscious and so aware that not everyone is going to be interested in my guff and although this blog started with a very personal perspective in terms of my discovery of Simple Minds, my growing love for them, my …. infatuation with Jim …. The deep dives into their back catalogue, the gig attendances, etc, etc…the big focus was on them through my eyes and ears.
My recent tidying up of this blog, the shift over of the web host and the update of its look had me performing maintenance on the site that took me right back to the start. Early innocent days of my fandom when I was sssooo deep into my discovery. I was ‘in love’. It really was like that ‘undiscovered country’ thing. Lately I’ve felt a pang for wishing to relive all of it all over again because it was just such an exciting adventure.
When I started the blog I really wasn’t thinking about being ‘professional’ or a broader more band focused thing as such, it was my blog and my experience of being a Simple Minds fan. All of it through my eyes.
Time has passed. Nine years have gone by and I’ve experienced some real ups and downs during the time the blog has existed. During the pandemic, I felt that the only way to keep it running was to move it on to the personal for a while. Jim and Charlie were largely incommunicado (well, Charlie always is as a matter of course – he doesn’t do social media) through the pandemic, busily writing and recording Direction Of The Heart (as it transpired) so there was next to nothing to update the blog with when it came to SM news. I lost the desire to write for a while as well and recorded vlog posts instead.
Towards the end of 2021 I decided to finally bite the bullet and look into doing some university study. I looked into studying with the Open University and found out about their Diploma of Higher Education. I could study English and that could lead to studying Creative Writing. Although friends and loved ones would praise me for my writing when it came to the blog, I wanted to improve my writing. I wanted to have a better grasp of the English language and be able to write better sentences and learn aspects of grammar that I missed in my formative education. I wanted to learn to be a writer. My studies started at the beginning of 2022 and it has been amazing. It’s not always been plain sailing and man, do I have my doubts and really big attacks in which I convince myself that I’m not going to get anything from it and I’m not worth the resources, energy and time that the study involves but there are really good days too.
So…what is this blog post about? It’s about me apologising for the very private content that has been on here lately. I was ill. I am ill. Much like an alcoholic is ALWAYS an alcoholic, it’s more a matter whether they are dry and sober or not; I will always have mental health issues – it’s just at times I suffer badly and relapse, where other times I’m good and coping and feel stronger. Sometimes these fluctuating circumstances are very brief…literally one day good, the next day bad. For the past six weeks I have been fighting off a VERY BAD dive down. It caused me to behave in very desperate ways at times. But when you are sick you can’t see any other way out. I don’t write these words for pity or sympathy, just for…perhaps some understanding.
At the moment I feel like I’ve been able to stabilise my condition. I feel healthier than I have done in WEEKS. What did it take? Basically telling myself that I need to love myself. That I have friends that love me that care about me and I can’t make a certain person love me. I can’t change his mind. I can’t alter his feelings. I can’t force him to have contact with me. I can’t force him to care about me. The only person who can fix me, is me. When I’m broken, I have to repair myself. Self-preservation. If I have ever learned anything from Jim Kerr it’s the importance of self-preservation. To care for ‘numero uno.’ I’m not wanting it to sound like I’m laying blame…I’m just stating what I’m doing to help myself recover.
It’s these kinds of things that keep the stigma with mental illness alive. I’m thankful that I’m intelligent enough to know and be aware that things are wrong. I’m glad I don’t have schizophrenia or suffer any kind of psychosis (at least I hope I don’t). I don’t suffer from delusions…I think. Or, perhaps maybe I do, but I’m VERY conscious of it. I don’t think it really is delusions that I have rather than it’s more endless wishful thinking and the need for wanting to feel better.
Anyway, the crux of this post is to say that I am feeling better. Uni is once again going well. I feel like my study is going somewhere again, at last. Focus has returned. Writing ability and enthusiasm has returned. I’ve started fictional prose writing again with renewed focus and clarity. And with that, I hope I can get back to this blog being something good. I feel like this blog has been suffering as well during my recent bout of illness. I tried as well as I could to keep it free of what was happening to me personally and not try to let it seep into here but obviously there was an inevitable overspill due to my efforts in trying to reach out to Jim and seek ‘mending.’
Hopefully all will be back on track now. A return to Minds Music Monday…possibly the odd Kerrsday post? Who knows. It’s a niche market, all those “pretty titties” shots. Lol. Bootleg highlights…maybe a return to the Weekend WhirliGIG thing (but there are only so many good bootlegs to listen to).
I really hoped I was going to secure an interview for the blog, but much like the fizzle out of an interview with Sarah Brown, this current hopeful one doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. And that’s my worry too when sharing what’s happening to me when I’m ill on this blog. Despite what people say and despite this talk that declares sharing your experience of mental illness out in the open as being a ‘good and brave’ thing…it freaks people out. The stigma will always be there! It’s ingrained in me. I DON’T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A LOON!
Anyway, again if you read this post this far…thank you! Hopefully this will be the last you’ll see of these sorts of posts for a while. That I keep mending and stay in ‘recovery’ mode for the foreseeable future. At least until March when a certain gig at the Hydro at Easter has the potential of crushing me again. We shall see! Until then…muchas gracias.
For shits and giggles, I have to share with you a little bit of the banter from Thursday night. Derek praised Jim’s lyrical writing from the early days. Gavin Mitchell agreed, largely, but then said ‘But what was he thinking with the words for Changeling? I mean…”overground, underground…wombling free!” did he not even THINK about that?’ Derek replies, ‘Yeah, I know. Obviously all the fun things we were intaking at Rockfield had its effects on him.’ Lol
So, to play us out….
