Let me start by saying this post has already caused a dilemma for me with the two blogs and as to where I should place this. Posts will have to come down to meeting certain criteria as to where they get posted. This one ticked the first box, a simple “Is this post related to Simple Minds?” – yes. The second question is – “but is the subject BEYOND to being related to SM still relevant to the blog and something you want to air within the SM ‘fold’?” I think so, yes.
That second part I grappled with but decided it is something that I am wanting to respond to Jim (albeit indirectly…as most of this perceived “conversation” goes) with.
He posted this morning. Just yesterday I was thinking “Ooh, those Sunday sermons he talked about a few months ago are a bit thin on the ground,” and was wondering when he’d next post. Years ago I’d have been in a panic and would have started to “miss” him. Now…I just think “concentrate on uni, girl. On you. He’s not in Sicily stewing about what you’re up to and wondering how you are. Cut the crap!”
Today he referred to his post as “a conversation”. Let’s look at the definition of the word ‘conversation’. It was fascinating to see that the OED’s first definition of the noun is “the action of living or having one’s being in a place or among others.” This definition is now obsolete. The second definition is also an obsolete usage: “the action of consorting or having dealings with others; living together; commerce, intercourse, society, intimacy.” The third definition – fuck, I wish! Lol. “Sexual intercourse or intimacy.” Oh yes, please, Jim. I’d DEFINITELY have a “conversation” with you!!! *Ahem* Moving swiftly on! Lol. (You can now see my dilemma on where I should place this post, right?)
It is not until the OED’s list of definitions gets to number seven do we get to the one that I have always thought is most relevant and most applies to the word ‘conversation’: “Interchange of thoughts and words; familiar discourse or talk.” The most emphatic of the words in that sentence is the one at the start of it – INTERCHANGE. Now let’s look at the definition of the word ‘interchange’. After the broad definition of “the act or fact of interchanging”, there is a sub-definition that states “the act of exchanging reciprocally; giving and receiving with reciprocity; reciprocal exchange (of commodities, courtesies, ideas, etc.) between two persons or parties.”
So, in essence, a conversation is a two-way affair. It’s an exchange. So…where is our part of the conversation? Where is the ‘reciprocal’ part? I’m trying to see it. Other than the exchange that takes place at gigs, where there is a true feeling of a “collective” and an exchange between band and fans…then. Maybe, for me, too much of the “intimacy” is there? In that particular setting of a concert – and that’s not where I want it?
Jim also described the fans as “our tribe.” All a language that I feel uncomfortable with. Much in the same way as I did with “real fans” back in the day. Something “tribal” instead of feeling inclusive feels segregated to me. With a tribe, there are tribal ‘elders’ – I guess that’s what we can call the fans that have been – by luck of age and circumstance (being in their early 60s and living in Glasgow or nearby) – with the band from the start. After that…there’s just the rest of the mob, I guess. I guess there are “outsiders” too. New people that want to be part of “the tribe” and they have to meet certain criteria, right? Some won’t fit in, and maybe they’re fine with that. They like the place, the people, and perhaps they’re comfortable with drifting in and out of the settlement and the community. That’s all good.
Others, like myself, for example, are very cautious and apprehensive and worry they will ALWAYS feel “on the outer” no matter how much they try to fit in. They’re intimidated by the tribal lords (the band), the elders (the mega diehards that have been around for forever) and the rest of the tribe – who all seem to get along with one another fairly well. But do they? And are there factions amongst the tribe?
The Internet makes you feel safe in a lot of ways. You can feel protected sitting behind a PC screen. It took me a loooong while to leave the safety of a computer screen and actually step out from behind it and reveal myself to SM fans in public. At actual concerts. Saying hello to people and making friends, etc.
This was helped by “the tribal lord” making me feel included. Making me feel there was an actual dialogue beyond the music. Transcending it. (The “tribal lord” being Jim – incase my really crap analogies are getting lost here.) And because I wanted “in” on this tribe – like nothing else before, I yearned for his approval. It’s a basic human desire to want to feel part OF something. And I don’t remember EVER desiring wanting to be a part of something ever in my life quite like this. I was always happy being “commander of my own ship” and not being part of a collective. Not even family really gave me that sense of being part of a group. To a minor degree, but the family dynamic was fragmented. My mum was a single parent. One abusive marriage with four children from it, with the eldest child used as a bargaining chip – exchanged and surrendered to the father so the other three could stay with the mother. A short relationship several years later which produced a fifth child (me). A father that absconded and a mother left to solo parenting four of her five children. All a bit of a mess. This could go on but I guess I’m just trying to explain how fragmented I always felt. I never really felt like I belonged and because of that, tribes and ‘cliques’ never appealed. They felt alienating. And I largely avoided them. Only twice was I pulled into a “gang”. One was years back with my first serious boyfriend – it was a means to an end. I wanted to be with him all the hours god sent and that meant hanging out with his friends. So that’s what I did – to the detriment of any adult education I was trying to get then as well.
The other time has been these past eight years. Wanting to ‘be in’ the Simple Minds “fold”. Through Jim, I began to feel accepted and welcomed and even WANTED – and what an incredible …. Afrodisiac, elixir, adrenaline rush that was! I started to feel utterly invincible. It was INTOXICATING! And when it’s there and it’s working – heck! It’s great! What a drug! I felt AMAZING! But like a drug you go chasing it. You want it more and more because it makes you feel sssoooo good! I felt WORTHY. I felt like it all started to finally make sense, in a way. My life. Like, I could kid myself I had purpose and a reason for being, at last.
But slowly, the drug started wearing off and the paranoia started to creep in. The crux of it is, I was never going to continue to feel worthy through Jim. I became far too reliant on that. I feel like an alcoholic! Lol. In all honesty. I need to be really careful that my admiration for him is kept in check, because I could ssooo easily relapse. It would take just one response, one reply, one … acknowledgement.
That Jean Genie post the other week? I did wonder if it was down to me pointing out to him (through SMOG) that the anniversary of its release and the anniversary of the formation of the band where 5 years and a day apart – and if that was the reason he did the subsequent post on Simple Minds FB about it? In the past I would really fester on it. This time I just thought “Oh, that’s nice. I wonder if that was down to me?” and moved on.
I just need to move on. And believe in myself FOR MYSELF. And if others show faith in me, then, that’s really good.
I’ve made two people cry this week. One was my former tutor. I got to speak to her last week and I thanked her so much for helping to get me to where I am now with my study. She gave me ssoooo much support. She was, as I told her when I spoke to her last week, probably the best tutor I could have ever wished for in starting my Open University journey. The other is a dear friend who showed far more faith in me than I did of myself. It was through her encouragement that I finally took the plunge to apply to the OU to study (I also have to mention Scott as well – you too, Mr Scobes – you were there too). We were catching up last night and she was expressing how proud she was of me. That…I don’t want to embarrass her or say too much but – I don’t think even my own mum cried with pride for me.
I’m starting to feel strong again. Good. Happy with me. Capable. And not feeling like I “NEED” Jim – his approval, his acceptance. I need that – FROM ME!
So, tribes might have their place. And they can give one a sense of belonging and being a part of a collective. But they can also make one feel estranged and an outsider. And as for “conversation”, if it’s continually one-sided, there’s not much point in it.
I am going to be comfortable with being on the outside looking in when it comes to the Simple Minds fandom. I love the music, I love the band. God knows I love Jim, for better or worse – but I am tired of feeling like I need to justify myself, my worth, my “fanworthiness” – if that is a term? I don’t need to do it any more. I am FINALLY feeling like I can stop it from meaning so much. From it having so much importance in my life. For my life to mean something MORE than this!
It used to mean EVERYTHING – and now it’s starting to scare me just how much it used to mean.
Jim ended his post with these words “as we aim to keep focused on coming up with something pure and true and real”. You do that, sir. And I’ll keep focused on keeping myself pure and true and real – to me.
P.S. And so… I still grappled with where to put this post but as a piece of “dialogue” in response to Jim’s post, it shall remain here.
As for Minds Music Monday this week…this is the song in my head today. Winter is here and it’s cold…
