It Was All For You – But It Was For Me Too

Let’s try and reset the clock and think of the good things.

Before I start that – thank you to Sage, who commented on a previous post with some rather apt – as her name suggests – sage words.

I’d like to think I am intelligent enough, and I know what needs to be done but I am obviously very emotionally stunted. So, I can have all the analytical, rational and lateral intelligence in all the world but if I can’t keep my emotions in check, or I struggle to rationalise my emotional wellbeing, that’s when it all falls apart.

I will post below here what Sage has written to me. They are words I know are true and right. I wish I had the emotional intelligence and resolve I need right now.

I need to apologise to Jim.

For one final time I am going to try to explain this as best I can. I don’t know why I feel so compelled to explain this, I just do. Maybe somehow to just rationalise it for myself as much as anything? I don’t know.

I hate for it to be misconstrued that I am IN LOVE with Jim and that I wish to be with him. IT IS NOT THAT! It really is not that! I do love him, yes. But it is a love of adulation, not of lust or desire (and lust and desire isn’t love anyway). Any notion like that is tied up with Jim in the past. The young Jim. The 22/23 year old Jim that I confess to being visually and aesthetically drawn to.

It is not how I feel about the Jim of the present. The Jim of the present is more where the emotions lay. It’s a romantic love, but not in a way that means I wish to be with him. I will never claim to know him. I don’t. And I never will. That’s the bitter pill. That’s the thing that causes the pain. That I would like to actually know him and have him be fond of me and see me as a dear friend. A friend. Nothing more! Not a lover. Not a girlfriend. Just someone that he would like to talk to on occasion. Someone who he’d think of during the day, pondering “I wonder how she’s doing? I hope she’s okay?” and then would get in contact to see how I was. That’s it.

But I am aware that even that is A LOT. That it’s a lot to ask and I can wish for that as much as I like but if he doesn’t feel that way, if there is no element of him liking me or trusting me or wanting to allow me in, then…it can’t be forced. I can wish for it all I like – until I make myself sick with it.

I am sorry, Jim, if it seemed or felt as though I was endlessly making demands of you. My naivety in thinking that positivity between us would have us feed each other. But it can’t work like that when only one person is providing the positivity. And I guess you have given me plenty of explanations as to why you are where you are and I am where I am.

You radiate light and warm, generosity and humour, wit and charm. You’re articulate and a lot of the time erudite. But maybe that is all public persona? I never felt that it was. One can only act for so long.

I am just me. Just one person. Just one fan in… how many fans? How many people wanting your attention? Wanting – and I hate this term, but I guess it applies – a piece of you? And you as one man, JUST “a man” (as several people like to remind me time and again), can only spread yourself so far.

I started typing out this post downstairs in the dining area of the living room, but I have now moved upstairs to my bedroom. The little bit of “office” area of my bedroom. Where I am hoping to keep looking after this blog. I look up just over and above the screen of my PC and this is what I see.

Sunshine. He is sunshine. He just radiates it. Warmth and beauty. And I just want to bask in it – constantly! I want to bask in the glow of him. And that should be enough. To look at the beauty of him. To bask in the sunshine of him. For it to be what it was when I wrote this that follows…

“…You are tantalisingly tangible
Yet I don’t really know who you are.

I find you intoxicating
And will be happy
Spending all the rest of my days
Drinking you in from afar.”

I need to find that place again. The place in which I never made demands. The place before Hunter And The Hunted. The place before he knew my name. Knew who I was. Knew what a stupid, pathetic creature I am.

I need to stop beating myself up. And I need to stop wanting him to be things he can’t be.

Right about this time seven years ago I’d be making those tentative steps again (after trying in 2006 and it not really going anywhere) to try and get a handle on the Simple Minds back catalogue. Listening to Life In A Day. It really was a slow burn (“stay – I’m burning slow”) but of the handful of songs that seeped their way in…the first to take hold was All For You. I loved the guitar riff. It’s a rather more “traditional rock” piece from them, with a standard verse/chorus song structure, which is actually fairly unusual for Jim to write that way during those early years. I love the backing vocals also. His voice is a higher register at that point but I find it soft and sultry on that song.

It was the seed that germinated what I was to become as a Simple Minds fan.

I wish I could start again. Wipe the slate clean. Not get so…invested in it. Perhaps have stayed away from going anywhere near the band’s Facebook page? Oh, but had I done that? Well, I wouldn’t have met the beautiful people I have met. I wouldn’t have some of the friends I have now. Including the one whose pictures of “Mr Sunshine” are on the wall just above.

And I wouldn’t have the good and wonderful and happy memories I have of Jim. Perhaps for a time he actually DID like me? He made a fuss enough. But was it actually of me? Of Larelle, or just “the new fan”. That I was just an object of curiosity and intrigue for a time until I shared everything about myself and there was no intrigue left. No “enigma”.

And…I do this too. I do this far too much. I overanylise and “overthink”. I read too much into things and I put into them a degree of importance that just doesn’t exist, or only exists for me alone.

But I feel like Jim gave me a strength. He gave me a strength and a belief in myself that I had never had. And the things it allowed me to do no doubt seem minuscule to many, but for me they were momentous and profound. And I loved him for it. I loved him for freeing me from the things I felt restricted by.

But I guess it has come full circle and now I feel somewhat imprisoned by those feelings that at one time felt so freeing and liberating. Because I keep craving those things.

He has NEVER bored me. He has never made me tired and he has never stopped being a curiosity to me.

I live in hope that my awareness of my emotional stupidity is the thing that sees me through it. But I also fear a feeling of a loss. That I need to walk away from it all. That before I drown, I should try and get myself out of the water. Instead of just praying he’ll reach out to me with a hand, with a fingertip to say “I won’t let you drown.”

It’s like… I want permission. I want permission to love him. I want to know that it’s okay that I do. And that he doesn’t see me as odd or strange, or thinks I’m weird or an idiot, or worst of all – pities me. That he understands. That he cares that I care! But how can I expect that of him?

I don’t know where I go from here. I feel I should talk about it because… because supposedly it helps to talk? I worry about “exposing” myself.

I don’t know how to end this post.

It Feels Like The End

I don’t know what this is any more. I obviously want it to be more than it is. More than it can be.

I’m too emotionally invested in this thing. I have been for years now. And I have been too frightened to cut the ties completely. Still praying to be liked. Still praying for something more. Still praying to be a “real fan” was enough.

The more time passes, the more I think that to have remained blocked from the Simple Minds Facebook page would have been the best thing for me.

Time would have healed the wound. I would have found something else to fill the cavernous void…eventually.

I cannot stop seeing the things that happen as things that I have caused personally.

Messenger gets taken off the SM FB page. And then Jim’s slow stepping away from all the interaction. No more comments on visitor wall posts. No more likes on visitor wall posts. Fewer replies to comments left on posts. Fewer likes to comments left on posts. Ceasing of likes and reply comments all together. Lessening of the number of posts written by Jim.

And now? Seemingly no posts at all.

Jim’s gone, and I can’t help but feel that I am the cause of it, because I feel like I am the one that wants him there most of all.

Two things have been making me cry constantly today. One, my cat is really sick and I am powerless to help him – other than to keep administering drugs to him, which seem not to be doing much.

The other, seeing Jim photographed with the Sardinian fans. Which sounds AWFUL! I want to put it into context! It’s because…seemingly…they are allowed to have something I desire more than anything in the world. Time with him. What’s more…they can “boast” about it. It feels like a boast. It’s just how it feels to me. And I just found it really upsetting.

I’m just being honest. I mean. All great for the guys, you know! It’s fabulous for them. It really is. But it feels like an “inner sanctum”. And while it feels like that. While it will feel like there is some “special place” for a select few and fuck the rest….?

I dunno.

It just feels awful. And I have spent so much time getting hurt by this and feeling guilty about it. And then knowing that IT SHOULDN’T MATTER! But….it does. It matters. It matters too much. It always has. And I just want it to stop.

I want it to stop mattering. I want to stop caring about it.

When I became a Simple Minds fan it felt like this new world opened up to me. I can’t express it! And it still brings with it the odd sweet gift. But it’s starting to feel a trap. And I am just way too heavily invested. And I am almost in floods of tears again just thinking about walking away. Trying to stop caring. And I want to stop fucking crying!

Did I do something wrong?

“Did I ask too much? More than a lot?
You gave me nothing now it’s all I’ve got.
We’re one, but we’re not the same.
Well, we hurt each other and we do it again.”

Where do we go from here?

Seems like I’m full of U2 songs tonight.

How ironic…

I’m not articulating this right. I don’t want it to sound bitter. I’m not angry. I’m sad. Sad to feel like all that I do is not enough or too much.

It’s a hamster wheel. A big fat hamster wheel. I want to get off but I don’t know how to stop it.

So perhaps I just need to “embrace the suck”? Swallow that bitter pill. Thank Jim for the memories and walk away?

I never wanted it to end. I never want it to end!

The biggest hurt? The biggest hurt is the notion of my walking away and him not giving a flying fuck. Not a single, solitary fuck. There are always other fans. Always another face. Another new enthusiast. But for me – there is no other Jim. No other band. No other man.

And yet, here we are it seems at another crossroads. Left or right? Which way to turn, Loz? Suck it up and forget about it? Or move on? Your choice. “Choice.” Or do we live in the past? The halcyon days? “Choice.”

Sardinya Sicilian Celebration

The guys at Sardinya Simple Minds (fan group) had a rather spectacular evening, watching Italy bring home the Euro 2020 trophy with some very special company in downtown Taormina last night.

Nice to see that “the boys” are Alive And Kicking…It In. And for Jim, the best team won.

Yay!

Celebrations abound.

A Ghost Of What Could Be

Original image by Thomas Horner

I think it has been coming for some time. I think I might be spent. Done. I don’t think I have any more to give.

It is a heavy heart that I say this with. My personal fandom for Simple Minds has altered. I love them. I absolutely love them! I can still wax lyrical about them. Lord knows I can wax lyrical about Jim! He is just…all things to me. And I say this knowing how absolutely darn pathetic it is – but I honestly can’t remember what a day feels like without thinking of him. I am, quite literally, Kerrsed. (Have to throw in a pun there somewhere!)

But I feel like I…

I will try to articulate it well.

The Simple Minds catalogue as it stands is finite. It will expand at some point in the future – yes. But there is only so much of “List your Top 5 songs” and all that kind of stuff I feel able to engage in.

It feels like it is becoming a hamster wheel. Around and around and around. Favourite album. Favourite song.

Speculation also drives me insane too. It’ll come when it comes, FFS! The new album. The recommencing of the tour. Jim’s “tome” of fiction. And currently…there is not much “doing” at SMHQ and Jim is obviously just not wanting to engage with the fans in social media any more – which is his absolute right, of course.

But that was the thing that drew me into the fanbase! That’s what drew me in to Facebook! His presence and interaction with the fanbase. I can’t emphasise enough what that meant! And how different that set Simple Minds apart from any band or artist that I had ever liked before. The human touch. Making the intangible feel tangible. That is what made you feel most special to me, Jim. The voice is one thing, the songwriting another. The stage presence another. But it was all wrapped in a bow with your…approachability.

I was always someone who just stayed out on the fringes. I was never one to really put myself “out there”. Years of self-doubt, social ineptitude and of mental ill health.

In recent times I have wondered if many of the things I see that made me feel different as a child and made things difficult for me were signs of ASD that were never picked up? That I masked too well and it went undetected? It happens to a lot of women with ASD. And as the wording goes – Autism SPECTRUM Disorder, there’s a spectrum there with some elements of ASD being stronger and more obvious in some than others, etc, etc.

I grew up with strong “stimming” traits. I rocked back and forth almost constantly as a child. The only time I would stop is when I was out somewhere, at school, or if we had house guests that didn’t know us well I would find alternatives. I would swing my legs back and forth or find other “stims” to do. I especially did the rocking when listening to music. It was the ultimate excuse to do it. I was listening to music! No one felt it was very strange then. But they did if I did it while watching TV or just…sitting and being. I also bite my nails. And not just my nails but the skin around my nails also. I eventually stopped the rocking in early adulthood but I still bite my nails and skin badly.

So…I have always felt somewhat alone. School was never something I enjoyed in a peer group sense. I loved learning and craved learning but I always felt incredibly uncomfortable around my peers and then when the bullying started, it escalated those feelings ten fold. I started staying away from school a lot as a result.

It took so much for me to step into the Simple Minds fanbase. I had NEVER socialised on this scale before, and I mean NEVER.

I can still remember how absolutely petrified I was going to my first SM gig and the idea that the people I had been talking to online would meet me just scared the crap out of me. I had tentatively agreed to meet someone from the fanbase at the gig, but I chickened out. I was just too overwhelmed. Meeting one new person is nerve-wracking for me but put that in a gig scenario where the person you have agreed to meet is there with maybe five or six other people around them and I am being introduced to them all…

It eventually happened. Bolstered largely by encouragement from Jim. The interactions I started to have with him gave me a confidence I had never possessed. It led me to do things I could only had previously dreamt of. I went on national TV to partake in a quiz, FFS! Something I had dreamed of for nearly 20 years, probably longer than that. And I did it, twice!

And those trips brought me to Glasgow and I fell in love with the city. And as a result of that, the city is now my home. And I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else! It feels as much “home” as Sydney ever did.

My hang ups are my hang ups, you know. They are mine to work through.

These days I just feel – estranged from the fanbase. It’s not a place I am feeling very welcome or comfortable being in. It is why I have, for the most part, stepped away from SM fan groups. There has been some petty differences and rather more disconcerting spats. I have never been great with conflict.

I certainly do not have the patience, zeal and diplomacy of Gordon Machray, for a start. His endless enthusiasm for the band and the music really is something to be admired. It is down to him that the Simple Minds Official Fan Group (SMOG, as I have often referred to it) is what it is now. All inclusive and all encompassing. I hope there are others more capable than me who will be willing to step up to the plate and help him in his time of need – as I guess it has become obvious that that really isn’t me.

This blog will continue. In what capacity, I am unsure. I am determined to see through the Sons And Fascination/Sister Feelings Call 40th Anniversary celebration. Beyond that…who knows? It’ll probably just revert back to what is ultimately some crappy, Jim Kerr obsessive fangirl site – in hardly any way linked to Simple Minds at all – just the tenuous point of a link being Jim’s “raspberry ripples”.

I guess I never really was much of a fan then, eh? And perhaps I never did “earn my stripes”.

The times had been great…for the most part. Apart from the whole “real fans” affair. I really could have done without that. But hey ho. There we go. We are fallible and all make mistakes in life.

I still don’t know what the future holds. None of us do. But I feel that whatever my future as a Simple Minds fan is, it will probably be confined to here on this blog and my own personal social media profiles.

Thanks for listening.

Dream Within A Dream

I had a mix of dreams this morning. Some were a little anxiety inducing. Others were just about all I dream of every day of my life.

I was sitting in a rather fantoosh looking kitchen…a kind of breakfast bar area of this kitchen. So…not in my house this place. I guess I was in his house/apartment? Or maybe it’s part of the hotel? There’s maybe some clue as to who my guest was (or more that I was HIS guest). Yes! I was dreaming that I was hanging out with Jim. Already I could just stop here and just be happy with this. That I was with him, being in his company.

I should have known INSTANTLY it was a dream because this will NEVER HAPPEN in real life. I feel as though I am the very LAST PERSON he’d ever want to spend time with, but in the dream he was happy. Relaxed and very smiley. And not the usual slightly arrogant and rather snidey Jim that I am faced with whenever I am in his presence. This time he was just happy to have me there with him and of course I was over the moon being there, and more relaxed than usual because I felt he was genuinely happy for me to be there with him.

And we were just sitting about talking.

It was a lovely sunny morning and the sunlight was streaming in. Some bits of the dream are a little sketchy. I’m not sure exactly what we had been talking about, or how we got to this subject but we were – well, he was initially – talking about Mel. He was reminiscing and being quite nostalgic. Saying how he had enjoyed having Mel working on Lostboy and that the tour was great. Then he said to me “I dreamed of him last night and when I opened my phone up this morning, his phone number appeared first.”

At this point in the dream I freaked out a bit because as I went on to tell Jim…. “OMG! That is really freaky! A similar thing happened to me last night. I was dreaming of Mel also and when I opened my phone this morning, the first thing I see is a photo of him!”

We both sat there smiling away in a strange kind of disbelief. Both a little astounded by our similar dreams. Just both of us kind of looking at each other a tad gobsmacked.

“You need to call him, Jim”, I say to him. “Do you talk to all the bands you’re fans of like this?”, he says back to me. “Lol, no”, I retort.

And then the dream ended. It was just very surreal and very lovely and I wish for all the world it was real. For all the world that Jim would actually WANT to sit around in a kitchen and just chat away with me and spend time with me. I honestly can’t think of anything more wonderful. Or anything that I want more in this world.

As soon as I “wakened up”, I started to hear the chords to this, because I had just experienced a “dream within a dream”….

It was Mel’s birthday yesterday….

What Today Holds…

A couple of days ago I decided to leave all the Simple Minds FB groups I was a member of. All of them. That also meant handing in my moderators badge at Simple Minds International. To be honest, I was always flabbergasted that Gordon bestowed the thing upon me. And I was never of any real use in the role anyways.

Two days later, I am starting to see just how much of my FB feed was taken up by SM groups.

I honestly don’t know where I am going with this post!

The groups do my flaming head in, but I miss them. I mean, I stopped inputting into groups a couple of weeks back. The only thing I posted lately was my interview with Catherine on SMOG. And those who didn’t care for it were respectful enough to leave it the fuck alone and not comment or be bitchy. Which was actually amazing, given the bitchiness that was going on in other posts on SMOG.

The fans that trash them and go on about how “they aren’t the band they used to be”. No, they’re not. And you’re not the person you used to be 40 years ago, either. In fact, I’m guessing your arsehole factor has gone up exponentially in 40 years!

Then there’s SMI. I grappled with posting a link to my interview with Catherine on there because there we have an example of the “free speech” paradox. A private group so people can express what they like.

And I am sorry, but those who go on about “free speech” only ever want to seem to spread their hate. They seem to confuse “free speech” with being vitriolic and tactless and to spread negativity and hate.

People rub me the wrong way ALL THE TIME, but do I talk about them? Do I comment on posts about them? Do I tell people how much I dislike them? Nope!

So, I post to SMI and I think I am ready for the fallout. For the inevitable “don’t like her. Glad she’s no longer in the band” ya da ya da crap that was inevitably to come – but what I wasn’t prepared for was just how instantaneous it was going to be. LITERALLY within three minutes of me posting the YouTube link of the interview there was a comment left. And that comment started with – and perhaps they fully intended the irony of it, “if you haven’t got anything nice to say, say nothing” and then said some snidey piece of crap after that.

It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I removed the post and then left the group and left all the other SM groups I was a member of.

I am sssoooo tired of the negativity. I’m trying to keep hold of any remotely tangible positivity that’s left around this band at the moment. I feel it is just slipping away further and further.

Things feel so bad right now, I’d almost swap my “real fans” block from SM Official and the sadness of Musilac to get away from this!

At least there were gigs. At least Jim was around. At least I felt I had something to talk about and be passionate about. I thought my world was coming to an end then. I actually wouldn’t WANT to relive it but…

Compared to now? It felt more unified in the fanbase and… JIM WAS HERE! And although he got pissed off with me and blocked me – I’d much prefer that to this…silence. To…the nothing. The void. This emptiness that seems to grow into a deeper and deeper chasm.

I honestly don’t know what else to say. I’m so worried this site will just become some retro site.

I just don’t know what to do any more…

Tired Of The SMOG…

It’s just the same old crap over and over. Are the band the same without Mick, Derek, Mel? Are they even Simple Minds with only Jim and Charlie left? They’re a mockery now. Play Butlins. They’re not Simple Minds any more. YA DA FUCKING YA!

Is it any wonder I am steering clear of the fan pages these days? I know we don’t all have to agree – be equally – we don’t have to keep expressing the same “opinion” all the bloody time, either!

I’m just tired of it. Really tired of it. So I’ll just stay here in my own little space. I cannot to arsed to argue a point or converse with anyone on the fane pages any more. It’s just so full of BS these days.

***SPOILER ALERT*** It’s About “The Damn Book”

I don’t discuss any individual fans contributions at all, but I do discuss certain elements in the book – so if you want a full surprise of what’s inside for your Christmas Day, or own reading enjoyment… DON’T WATCH THE VIDEO!

And below will be my own entry in the book, so…

Well, I shared my email, so you know what I contributed, but this will be the printed, truncated version as it appears on the page in the book – page 203.


Kick It In, Lassie!

Oh, geez. I really stirred things up on SMOG last night.

I really didn’t think it would be commented on in such volume. I thought maybe a few of us would still be waiting for the book to arrive. Not as many people as that would still be waiting for it. But lo…

Then Ronnie Gurr and THEN Richard Houghton add comments and my toes were starting to curl with the fuss I had made.

I honestly didn’t mean to drag them into it!

I genuinely just wanted to get a handle on who was still waiting. Whether I could get an idea on if the book was just trickling through to fans or whether there were quite a number receiving it and us still waiting were just stragglers not having much luck with the postal service.

And so goes yet ANOTHER time I wish I’d kept my big mouth shut! I mean…it did help to alleviate my concerns about the book’s slow arrival, but conversely I felt like the girl that kicked the hornet’s nest.

Always acting with the best of intentions. Always ending up inadvertently stirring up trouble.

Anyway….too late now. The genie can’t be put back in the bottle.

Another day is upon us…and still I wait. With a bit more quiet reserve this morning.

The “watched kettle” is yet to boil…

Hurray For Scotland!

“They’ll be coming” – not exactly the three little words most people will get filled with an overriding sense of joy and the HUGEST avalanche of relief from but…you know…I think we’ve established I’m not “most people”. Lol

But those words on Friday? That’s how they made me feel.

I wasn’t going to go into detail on Friday. I just wanted to put up my own three little words in response and have that be that. But, if any of you reading this is a regular visitor here – you have been witness to what complete and utter angst I have been going through these past months. Tying myself up in knots. Never being able to get past and move on. Having little niggles gnaw away at me constantly.

I have to say I have NEVER been so thankful for football, and more to the point, Scotland winning a match! And making it into the Euros.

I had been counting the days myself, for a completely different reason and thing. It took seven months. SEVEN MONTHS from “Jalopy” to the “Tartan Army”. Seven months that with each passing day, week, month just seemed to get progressively worse.

God knows I tried to brush it aside! But sometimes the more I tried, the worse it got. I honestly don’t need to explain. LOOK AT THE BLOG!

I already feel the little niggles creeping back. “But did he know it was me? I had changed my profile pic to one of me as a ten year old – so if he looks for visual clues for fans then mine wouldn’t have been obvious.” But then I think, “but who else is called LARELLE, you div?! He knew it was you. Stop being an idiot. JUST BE HAPPY.” And I allow the relief to fill me again.

Yep. It’s all very stupid and irrational, I know. But all I could see was him looking at me with that face in Copenhagen. And yes, “Jalopy” happened about a month after the gig. But as time moved on, I kept believing that the jalopy reply was a kind of “sign off”.

I genuinely cannot express enough the amount of relief I had on Friday. I almost couldn’t believe it happened. And then I kept waiting for it to disappear…like I had just dreamed it or imagined it. I just went to have a look again and – it’s still there. I didn’t just imagine it. It actually happened.

And I am so, so happy and relieved. But I still hope you stay around a bit more, Jim. Us fans, we all love you so much! You’ve read the book now. You know how much you mean to us all! Yes, okay, for quite a number it is all essentially about the music and its effects – but you are the man that helped to make it. All of the effect springs from you! And while you are reeling from having to remain grounded from there having been a ton of rescheduling and touring put on hold, we’re all missing it too as fans. But just a small booster. One little antidote to things is you just being around. That we can bounce off each other and keep each other all feeling upbeat and hopeful of things getting better.

I know there are whiney shits. Hell, I’m one of them! But I love knowing that you’re here and you’re with us and that you’re okay. So, please. Don’t be a stranger, Jim. And please talk if you can. To some of us in replies to comments. Or to all of us with a video message or something. We’d take any little morsels you’re willing to offer!

But, finally, personally…one last time. THANK YOU! I absolutely adore you. You know. I mean, geez, I used to say it – long before the book – that if you ever needed a boost to your ego and confidence, just come here. Look at my blog! Look how much you are loved and adored just by me alone.