My mum is 81 today – and tomorrow I finally go to That London (to The Strand – yes, I think of Roxy Music EVERY TIME I say it or think of it) to get my new passport sorted.
I have been sleeping-in lately. Demanding dreams from my subconscious. Every night before I fall asleep, I pray that I’ll dream. Good dreams. Dreams that once awake and I have even just a fraction of lucidity of the dream, that it’ll turn to fruition.
This morning I had dreams.
In the first I was with Jim and Charlie. And we were sitting around, chatting and laughing. I cannot tell you how much I wish for that to be real! Or to continue to dream it over and over again every night.
The other is a VERY rare occurrence (dreams of Jim – with or without Charlie – are rare enough these days). My mum. I couldn’t tell you the last time I dreamed of her. But this one will haunt me.
It was loaded with metaphor and symbolism. I had been contacted by what appeared to be government authorities and/or health professionals. She was meant to be in care…but she wasn’t. She was on her own in this remote, desolate place completely unfamiliar to me.
She was roaming around outside. I’m not sure how I was seeing this as I was, but these people were showing me video footage of her. Like…CCTV footage…but this place was so remote. Maybe it was being recorded from a drone? I don’t know. Certain things in dreams make no sense.
I digress. She was roaming around outside. Working. Walking around finding weeds and rubbish. She was carrying some kind of tool. Not a light thing. And she look as she did when I left in 2016. Thinner than I have ever seen her in my entire life. When I went home in 2015…I hadn’t seen her for eight years and she had became a shell of herself. I had never, ever seen her so thin. I don’t think she had been that thin since she was a child. The shock of it stunned me for days. It took days for me to get my head around this woman who looked like my mum but was waaaaay thinner than my mum had ever been was indeed my mum!
I digress again. These two people – a man and a woman – showing me her on the monitor (I sensed I was watching live footage, or very recent recorded footage…mere hours old) were saying “She won’t rest. She’s doing too much. She just wanders and wanders.” And I am sitting there thinking “habit of a lifetime, guys. She’s been like this since time immemorial. All the years I have known her.”
Even in 2015/16. Up and down like a yo-yo. Endless retorts of frustration from me “PLEASE SIT DOWN! I’M HERE NOW. PLEASE LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU!” Over and over. Every day. A person too used to being alone. Too used to just having to get up and do it herself. No one else there.
I’m watching her on the screen…and she just looks lost. Really lost. I’d never seen her look lost before. Determined. Focussed. Busy. Pre-occupied. Happy, even. But never lost. Never confused. Never unsure. Somehow still happy though.
Happy. But tired. And lost.
I awoke feeling further away from her than ever.
Limbo is hell.
Now I know I am just one of many thousands of Simple Minds fans. And I know my place. I have been fortunate enough to be welcomed into the fold, not just by many of the fans, but by Jim himself on Facebook. The interactivty I have experienced has been amazing.
Initially…I just wanted to be noticed. In all brutal honesty. I just wanted him to know I was a new fan, I existed, I adore their music and it was a privilege just to get a “like” on Facebook. Then…a like becomes wanting a comment…a comment becomes wanting a daily comment…and so on and so on. It makes you feel heard, appreciated. Special. You have a voice…and you start to feel genuine friendship, even though the encounters are fleeting, and in reality, you know the person very little.
I just wanted him to know me. And now he does. Having a name that stands out helps. (Thank you Mum! And man who helped with conception.) Jim probably knows me a little TOO well now! Lol
I do many, many silly things…like today. Several things. Like this…
I would never dream of saying something that brazen to his face!! I would want the ground to swallow me up. It’s silly…but, I just want to try and make him laugh. Who knows whether he does? Like I said in yet ANOTHER post…he most likely just gets filled with dread when he sees I’ve posted!
In truth, I was kind of relieved he didn’t show up at Tantrum Doughnuts. I’d have been an absolute jibbering wreck had he! I couldn’t go backstage at Hackney. I wouldn’t have been able to cope or look at him.
I can’t see how I’ll be any better in 6 months time! All I would want…more than anything in the world is: One – for him to say my name and Two) For me to just be able to talk to him. Just one on one. No silly sycophantic infatuation ninny speak. Just, proper…questions and answers…there’d be tons of things I’d want to ask and talk about. There would never be enough time. And I know he’d be patient. Look how patient he has been with me already! I’m sure any other fan would be blocked by now!
But I hate to think of him as being sad or forlorn. I get the feeling he rarely gets that way. But if he was starting to today, I hope I made him chuckle with my silly brazen comments and posts.
Honestly, he has the pateince of a saint. And it is testament to the lovely lady who raised him. Simple Minds’ Number One fan, as he has referred to his mum in the past. Some fans had met her and had relayed stories of her bursting with pride for her son. They have lovely memories of her…as does Jim, of course. I will never get the privilege of meeting her, sadly. But I hope that I can, one day, meet the beautiful son she raised.
So, here is to Irene Kerr. A beautiful mother to a beautiful son.