Seeing Your Way Through

What a beautiful thing! A comment from a SM fan that I don’t know on SMOG in regards to a post I put up of the “the light shines brightest in the darkest places” fan art.

Restores my faith in humanity. Just when you feel the world is at its worst – there are still beautiful people here.

I feel so much better than I did this time last week. So much better.

And as much as I still wish for Jim’s love, friendship and acceptance. The person I really need to feel love from more than anyone else is…me.

That’s the crux of it.

Acceptance. Self-love. Recovery.

Thank you to this person. I didn’t feel it was right for me to share your identity here, but I wanted to thank you here all the same.

Today has been a very good and very positive day.

I Wanna Go To Mars (Bar) – Caught (Out) In A Dream

I have tentatively started to work on revising my Top 50 list of SM songs. Probably a good thing to do before finishing my “Why I love…” posts that I started over 5 years ago. Where the fork has that time gone? Us humans have the most bizarre relationship with time, don’t you think? On one hand, a certain passage of time feels so much longer than it has been – on the other, it can disappear within the blink of an eye.
I can’t believe it has been 5 years since I was last spending time with mum.

Back to last night. There was a song I had in my memory. A song that I had asked Jim about and he (it already becoming a rarer thing by that point) replied to me about it. And I wanted to find that bit of “conversation” with him. Me in that eternal need to feel like…I could talk to him…that it meant something – not just to me, but to him too. Albeit just as the singer and songwriter of the band I fervently follow most passionately to all others. It just being that and nothing more to him.

But I couldn’t for the life of me remember what the song was called! And I knew I had written about it on my blog. Well, I would assumed I had – because I’d have been over the moon that he replied to me. I would have made something of it! But without remembering the song’s name, how the heck was I going to find it?

I had other songs in me head – Take Me To The Angels and Sweet Things. I listened to Take Me To The Angels – not entirely convinced it was that. It lead nowhere on a search of my blog. Had it been that, it would have unearthed my “tete-a-tete” with Jim about it. Nada. The song is great though.

Sweet Things I was even less convinced about as I know before listening to it, it became the track Destiny on the Life In A Day album. And I knew the conversation I had with Jim was about a song that never made it on Life In A Day – it was my premise for asking him about it – why hadn’t this song made the cut? What happened to it?

Although I was doubtful, I listened to Sweet Things too. Again, great. Although Jim’s lyrics are hard to decipher on a rather worn out old bootleg, obviously the song’s melody and tune is there – its musical structure in tact (albeit with a MUCH longer intro than what Destiny ended up with on the album). I guess Jim just wore his heart on his sleeve a bit more then? That he was fine with completely rewriting songs . The songs he’s rewritten? They obviously all work…but I canne help feel something gets lost along the way. Even if just the matter-of-fact notion that the previous words are discarded.

I am still no closer at this point. My search took me to Flickr as well, and my old catalogue of things. Art that I saved. Endless screengrabs of snippets of things that happened on SMO (what was THEN Simple Minds Official – no need for officialdom now, it seems). Bits of interactions with Jim. I quickly combed through it but I really couldn’t see anything that was relevant. Perhaps I hadn’t saved it? Hmmm. That would be odd!

So…how the heck was a going to find this thing?!

A theme became apparent to me from the other tracks I had just listened to. Both Sweet Things and Take Me To The Angels came from live recordings. I was working a bit blind last night (in bed, glasses off) so in my mind they had both come from the same gig at the Mars Bar. It is only looking again this morning that I see that Sweet Things came from a recording at Grangemouth at the end of 1978.

But I had a tentative thread in my mind – Simple Minds at the Mars Bar in 1978. That search on YouTube finally came up trumps!

Caught (Out) In A Dream! That’s the one! I listened to it again last night. It meanders a bit. It’s a bit drawn out. But…it’s band history. It still has its own bit of importance. If nobody else wants to champion discarded songs – esp. Jim (I have only just in these past few minutes read over his reply to me), then I will! Even if just for band history sake.

I’m sure there are a few songs that never even got recorded that are truly lost for good. That makes me feel sad. It’s kind of tragic. Jim may not see it this way…but everything Simple Minds has made and produced…it all has its special kind of magic. And, well, it might not all be magical to me…but I appreciate that certain things that don’t mean much to me can mean a heck of a lot to others. I’m sure he’d scoff at the notion but just…what if Caught (Out) In A Dream (I always add the “out” in brackets because I am sure he sings “caught out in a dream” which would then make more sense it was titled that way rather than dropping the word “out” in the song’s title?) was the song that cemented a person’s early fandom? Who knows? Yes, perhaps the band didn’t miss it but…you guys knew all the songs! Duh!

Anyway…I awoke this morning dreaming of a TARDIS and of the Mars Bar – a just turned 19 year old Jim in that David Bowie shirt he is wearing when Laurie Evans takes photos of the band outside – what I believe *is* the Mars Bar in 1978. Oh, he just looks glorious even then. And I hear the words from John Grant’s song…

“I wanna go to Marz (Mars Bar)
Where green rivers flow
And your sweet sixteen
Is waiting for you after the show
I wanna go to Marz
You’ll meet the gold dust twins tonight
You’ll get your heart’s desire
I will meet you under the lights”

I can never help but think of Jim with those lines. And me wishing I could time travel, and be that “sweet sixteen” waiting for him after the show. That he would meet me “under the lights”.

Dreaming of a life never lived….

P.S. It was so much further back in time than I had anticipated. Nearly three years ago was his reply to me! And I hold on to them so tightly…it felt to me like it was maybe a year ago, two years at most. Oh…I hold on to every little morsel SSSOOO tightly. I miss this SSSOOOOOO much!

Jim Kerr Likes It (But Not Any More…)

He posted today. And comments being liked on this post are being liked by “Jim Kerr”. And no, not the namesake fan but the “official” FB page of Jim himself. I have seen this happen just one other time recently.

Intriguing.

Well, I would hunt a “Jim Kerr” like… but I’ll live if I don’t get it.

He knows how much I crave affirmation as is.

Time to apply even more “self-love” than normal! Lol

Speaking of which (in a very round about way) – my friend Stephen left this comment on said post…

I know you mean well, Stephen. It is funny…but hugely embarrassing also. And it just makes me think that Jim couldn’t be more repelled…honestly.

I used to kid myself that maybe he thought I was silly and quirky and that was “my thing”? That was the thing he liked, or got him to engage. I dunno. I never understood it. I could never work out why. But I bloody loved it all the same. How could I not?! It turns a girl’s head. And…I hadn’t had my head turned in a very long time.

Anyway…I’ll just end up like I was yesterday morning if I dwell on it. And I am airing this stuff in public…and despite how it might look, I really am uncomfortable about that.

And I had left such a short succinct comment about CaVa Studios today, hoping against hope that maybe he’d even reply saying “yes, that’s the place. Nice powers of deduction!” or some such.

Dreaming of the affirmation.

*sigh*

What did I do? Tell me what I’ve done? Am I just too much “me” now?

I wish it didn’t matter.

EMBRACE THE SUCK?

Jim! Stop goading me! What am I meant to do with this?

Geez…do you know how long it has been? Well, in case you don’t…TWENTY FIVE YEARS!

Twenty five years since I’ve had sexual intercourse. Do you know what it is doing to me?! And then YOU….the man I would probably have a heart attack over at the mere IDEA of anything REMOTELY sexual happening with uses a term like EMBRACE THE SUCK?!

You’re trying to kill me, right?! I swear!

Bravo, Jim. Bravo. Round of applause!

Things I Still Miss

All the time. Being able to ask Jim a random question. It might not always have been answered, but sometimes it would be.

Now I don’t feel as though I can ask…or it would be a waste of energy even asking as he’d either not see it or really wouldn’t be bothered to reply.

Over the past week or so I have been wondering if he was a fan of Slade. I don’t know why I am particularly curious. I suppose because they just seemed so “mega” for a time in the early 70s – and they had the glam thing too – but kind of heavier sound, much more rock based and Noddy’s voice is so distinctive. And their look and how they slightly altered from a real skinhead kind of vibe to uber glam – but still rock. And…Dave Hill – enough said. Lol

They are a band I feel I should give more time to. When I think about the musical output I’ve heard from them, I think it’s definitely a precursor to punk. Aspects of their sound and look had a punk ethos before “punk” was really a thing. Then I suppose other bands like Iggy and the Stooges and the New York Dolls had that too. Especially in the case of New York Dolls, like Slade – almost that crossover point of straddling both aspects of glam and punk.

I can’t recall Jim ever mentioning Slade or talking about them. I guess he never has because they just weren’t part of the Kerr taste? I dunno.

I wish I felt able to ask, but I don’t much see the point. I guess that answer lies in his lack of ever talking about them. Then again, no one was more surprised than me when he brought up the subject of Hawkwind the other week. Though he obviously put in the “conditional clause” of the liking of seeing them live was more the female flesh on display as much as (or if not actually MORE than) the music itself.

Rampant hormonal teenage boy! Well I guess he knew what to do with those “hard ons” after a few Hawkwind gigs. Lol

The Bitter End?

Oh, man. It stings again.

I don’t ever remember feeling this way before – or at least not for a very long time. A discussion of friends in his latest post and … it just has me wishing again. To be one. DEEMED one. (A friend.) You know…the more you want something. Lol

There are always these questions that start. “The people he feels closest to – Charlie, his ‘girlfriend’ (partner, missus, Other Half…whatever he seems most comfortable with acknowledging her as) – they have piqued his interest and kept him around for the longest time – HOW DO THEY DO IT?! WHAT’S THE SECRET? Honestly. I keep asking this. It’s a question I never dared air in public before today but I wonder…eternally! Is it really because neither of them are … “needy”? But then…doesn’t that make HIM the “needy” one?

I read an article once in which he said that he sends Charlie several emails a day and Charlie never replies. Lol – perhaps another one of Jim’s “embellishments”? Who knows?

The next thing I do is to wonder what happened. With me, personally. Did I bore him? Did I piss him off somewhere along the line? And when? What was it? I still keep account of it as some….affirmation that…it’s okay. He still likes me, I haven’t bored him. He’s not pissed off, etc, etc. April and “Jalopy”. Nothing since then. The odd ‘like’ to a comment. But even those don’t seem to be happening now.

I’ve even given up on posting to the FB visitor wall. There’d be interaction that would go on there too, for a time. But that soon died also. It’s how it all began, really. Hunter And The Hunted was posted there.

You know, the thing is…maybe *I’d* get bored. Lol. If there was somehow some interaction or correspondence with him on a regular basis. I might get bored. Lol. AS IF! I mean…THIS IS THE WHOLE POINT. I felt I had…SOMETHING. That we “talked” in a manner of speaking.

I loved those interactions SO MUCH. Just us having the odd Bowie talk or there’d be something about a SM song or some other piece of music. And it would be talked about between us. All public. I didn’t care! Just to feel like we were talking. It was wonderful.

And then I absolutely fell to pieces in July, 2018 – that whole “real fans” bollocks. I thought it was beyond repair. That he just HATED me and I was gutted. At least that was quick severance. Cut off the limb! Try to stem the flow of blood quickly and in time it’ll repair and heal.

But then it seemed okay. I was allowed back on SMO (as it was then) and then I had my meet and greet – and he joked with me! Well, I kept hoping it was a joke. In reality *I am the joke*.

I really wish I could pretend I don’t care. Or actually DIDN’T care! But if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be writing this kind of shit out, would I?

The last time I remember feeling this way is…when I was around 16. I was keen on this guy and I just wanted him so bad. His sister lived across the road. (She was 7 or 8 years older than him so she was living with her boyfriend who was our neighbour so…B, we shall call him, lived several streets away. Still what was deemed to be in the same suburb – Busby). I asked my neighbour for the phone number to her old house so I could ring B. I was such a chicken. I only called once or twice. I never knew what to say. What was I going to say? “Hey, want to hang out?” Lol. It’s kind of what happened – when I felt brave enough to try. Of course he wasn’t interested! Lol. If he had been, I would have been swatting him off with a cricket bat. Lol

Two years down the track, I was still hankering for him. His brother was getting married. Mum and me were minding the neighbour’s young ones while she went to her brother’s wedding. B came back to her house early. He came over to our house to see how his nephews and nieces were. A ruse, I’m sure, looking back. Anyway…he was dressed nicely. He’d just come back from a wedding after all and to me nothing had changed in two years. He looked gorgeous. He smelled amazing. I was a goner.

Sadly, I thought it would mean we’d “hang out” now. I’d call him to see if he’d want to “hang out”. They just ended up “booty” calls in the end. To me it didn’t matter. It was SOMETHING. Anything to just…have a bit of time with him. It could have gone on for ssooo long. It went on far longer than it should have. Thankfully, after several months, I met Roger who saved me from this sad, pathetic thing I had with B. A genuine boyfriend who wanted to be with me properly. At least for a while anyway.

I’m not comparing Jim to B, per se. It’s a very different thing. I wanted to bone B (not that I am saying that I don’t want that with Jim. Lol. But I am a realist!). It’s all those emotions and feelings you confuse yourself with as a teen: love, lust, friendship, admiration, desire, infatuation. They all blur and blend and you hardly know what’s what. I really was naive enough to think once I had sex with B that I’d be his girlfriend and we’d be together. Silly girl! I had no one to really talk to about it. No friends of my own age. I couldn’t talk about it with mum. My one close friend at that point was B’s sister. I couldn’t talk to her! Although she was aware enough how keen on him I was. I couldn’t talk to my sister. She had just gotten married herself and was preoccupied with that. I didn’t feel as though I could talk to her about those kind of things.

God, it’s all such a lifetime ago. And it’s all still fresh in my mind like it was just a short time ago. I’m nearly 50, FFS! And I’m talking about stuff that happened to me at 18 like it was fucking yesterday! It’s ridiculous how much B comes to my thoughts. His sister was at mum’s funeral last year.

Jim made it all feel safe. Like…here is this man I absolutely fancy the pants off – but he’s my friend, and that’s enough. I love him and I’ll never have him. But he’s my friend and it’s enough.

But it’s gone. It just feels like it’s gone. I guess I never had it. Or I just kidded myself that I did. Allowed myself to believe it.

And I keep wondering what went wrong. What happened in March and then after April and “jalopy”.

So…to stop it hurting I say to myself “just think of him in 1982. Just throw all the stuff into that. All that desire and hankering. All the wishing and praying. All the lust. Throw it all there.”

And like Alice…I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole once more. I talk too much. And share too much. Cry too much. FUCKING MENOPAUSE! I’m trying to accept it is happening but…I am still that 18 year old girl. When the fuck did I arrive at 50?! A lifetime has gone but I don’t feel as if I’ve lived it.

In the meantime…I’ve kind of worked on “art”. Will probably become a new blog banner in a day or two.

87646CCE-C789-4435-8BD5-C9CEC5B43177

Jim’s August Spotify Playlist

I haven’t listened to it myself, yet. That will wait until later tonight as I settle to bed (it is usually when I do my listening to music. Haven’t been listening to much lately, in all honesty. I may just play one or two songs in a whole day). Some songs are unfamiliar to me and will be debut hearings for me personally. It’s great when someone can expose you to something entirely new to you. My friend, Michelle, has done that with a couple of songs of late. And great songs they have been too! I’m sure Jim’s will be great as well. It is rare for me not to like something he likes and recommends.

So, tonight I will listen and perhaps tomorrow I will share my responses. Adios.

(Jim’s reasons for his choices can be viewed via the various Simple Minds social media. Facebook is the best place to view it.)

Same As It Ever Was…Can It Change?

Last ditch attempt at getting him to engage in conversation. If this falls flat, imma gonna give up and go home.

I am genuinely intrigued by his thoughts.

(Ah, the old “Top Fan” badge. Seems to have as much meaning as being deemed “air-breather” or “basic humanoid”.)

Other questions I could ask, but feel rhetorical… Do I bore you senseless? Do you wish me to fuck off and die?