In Dreams We Are Helpless

I have been sleeping-in lately. Demanding dreams from my subconscious. Every night before I fall asleep, I pray that I’ll dream. Good dreams. Dreams that once awake and I have even just a fraction of lucidity of the dream, that it’ll turn to fruition.

This morning I had dreams.
In the first I was with Jim and Charlie. And we were sitting around, chatting and laughing. I cannot tell you how much I wish for that to be real! Or to continue to dream it over and over again every night.

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The other is a VERY rare occurrence (dreams of Jim – with or without Charlie – are rare enough these days). My mum. I couldn’t tell you the last time I dreamed of her. But this one will haunt me.

It was loaded with metaphor and symbolism. I had been contacted by what appeared to be government authorities and/or health professionals. She was meant to be in care…but she wasn’t. She was on her own in this remote, desolate place completely unfamiliar to me.

She was roaming around outside. I’m not sure how I was seeing this as I was, but these people were showing me video footage of her. Like…CCTV footage…but this place was so remote. Maybe it was being recorded from a drone? I don’t know. Certain things in dreams make no sense.

I digress. She was roaming around outside. Working. Walking around finding weeds and rubbish. She was carrying some kind of tool. Not a light thing. And she look as she did when I left in 2016. Thinner than I have ever seen her in my entire life. When I went home in 2015…I hadn’t seen her for eight years and she had became a shell of herself. I had never, ever seen her so thin. I don’t think she had been that thin since she was a child. The shock of it stunned me for days. It took days for me to get my head around this woman who looked like my mum but was waaaaay thinner than my mum had ever been was indeed my mum!

I digress again. These two people – a man and a woman – showing me her on the monitor (I sensed I was watching live footage, or very recent recorded footage…mere hours old) were saying “She won’t rest. She’s doing too much. She just wanders and wanders.” And I am sitting there thinking “habit of a lifetime, guys. She’s been like this since time immemorial. All the years I have known her.”

Even in 2015/16. Up and down like a yo-yo. Endless retorts of frustration from me “PLEASE SIT DOWN! I’M HERE NOW. PLEASE LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU!” Over and over. Every day. A person too used to being alone. Too used to just having to get up and do it herself. No one else there.

I’m watching her on the screen…and she just looks lost. Really lost. I’d never seen her look lost before. Determined. Focussed. Busy. Pre-occupied. Happy, even. But never lost. Never confused. Never unsure. Somehow still happy though.

Happy. But tired. And lost.
I awoke feeling further away from her than ever.

Limbo is hell.

Home …

Has never felt so far away.
And no matter how I try and work it…I can’t get out there, yet.
There is just no safety net if something were to happen.

Money is just far too tight right now.
Perhaps if I could borrow the cost of the airfare, to be paid back once money comes my way (and, IT IS coming! I just have no definite date of when, just…soon). That could help.

But unless it could, then…

Nae Newcastle, hen.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

I’m still grappling about a trip home. There’s so many elements of it up in the air. Things seem to have calmed a bit back home. Mum is doing okay….in relative terms. My sister is feeling a little better…some tentative good news on the family health front is having her feeling not quite so helpless about things at the moment. She says for me not to rush home…and well, I can’t go any faster right now anyway. Limbo continues at least until prior to Christmas, most likely. Then air fares will probably be extortionate by then…and, seriously? The thought of Oz in Jan/Feb and even into March just makes me want to sit in a refrigerator.

The one thing Brits say to me when they realise I’m an Aussie, “but don’t you miss the weather?” HELL, NO! Actually….there’s a point…if you want some idea of what hell would feel like….visit Australia in January or February. Shit, it must have been strangely mild when the First Fleet landed there. How the hell did Arthur Philip not go “I don’t think this is right! Have we landed on the surface of the sun or something?” Lol

As time progresses, I keep fearing I’ll miss gigs that I’ve already invested tickets in. I mean…I see John Grant in a couple of weeks, so if I miss seeing him again in February, that won’t be so bad…but I am really, really getting into The Lemon Twigs right now. And I am kicking myself for not seeing they were playing at The Lexington after being at the Green Man festival.

My ticket to see them at Saint Lukes in Glasgow on Feb 22nd arrived just a couple of days ago. And their Roundhouse gig is five days after that.

I have Stranglers tickets booked for Bristol at the end of March as well…but of the three acts booked so far…I really want to see The Lemon Twigs. They are just so awesome sounding live. And the D’Addario boys…they are such interesting performers…Michael in particular is just…out there nuts! But how Brian counters that is equally interesting. Brian is cucumber cool and fairly still and has the softer voice, but Michael is restless, kinetic, erratic. I really want to see them!

But…if I have to miss them, I have to miss them. If it doesn’t work out, it’ll be bad luck. Oh, but look at what I’ll be missing! (My earworm tonight.)

Sister Feelings Call…

A really heavy conversation on the phone with my sister last night. Again, something that is better for me to say here rather than on FB (my nieces and nephews never visit here).

She told me of the times when I was a kid when she’d by laying in the bath…languishing in the water…looking at the shaving equipment of our brothers and…

I don’t need to elaborate further. “The only thing that would stop me, sis, was the worry you would find me. I didn’t care about David and Quince (our brothers). I didn’t care about mum. I would just think, ‘what if Loz found me? I can’t do that to her’.”

I NEED TO GET HOME! To my sis. To my mum.

A lot of my friends on FB are thinking this drive to go home is just all down to SM. I know I can be obsessive…but all this for one gig? No! A select few know. The others I am happy to think it’s this one-track mind. It’s a distraction. And…it’s not what FB is for, really, is it? To tell people, “Well, yes, to have my dream of seeing Simple Minds out in Oz would be grand, but a few days before the Newcastle gig was announced, my mum tried to commit suicide and my sister is at breaking point.” No…best to keep it as it is…with the distraction it is. Play my part…continue as the Court Jester. There’s not a lot else I am good at. And I feel almost purposeful in that role.

Until such time I am out there being a support to my sister and wishing that I had the magic wand to alleviate Miss Trouble (mum) from her years of pain.

And I won’t discuss it here any further, either. This is just one final post to say…the need to get home could not be any stronger.