A Brighter Day

Today I awoke (or as Jim would say it, “wakened up”) and the sky was still in a deeper hue of dawn for a star to be visible. I wasn’t expecting that. It was quite bright too. Obviously. Bright enough for me to see it without any optical aid and in my ever fading dwam.

Although I know it wasn’t a shooting star, I wished upon it all the same.

“Star light, star bright / I’m the star you see tonight / And I wish I may, I wish I might / Be in your dreams tonight”

Today I feel a little brighter. The sky was brighter this morning, even if still in that deeper hue of dawn that it will be in until the clocks go back next weekend.

I am giggling at things and finding the funny side again.

Acceptance plays a big part in things. It’s that old adage – “(Insert your choice of deity here) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Basically, I’m trying to stop being a dumb fuck. Lol. In the meantime, I wanted to share this. I was taking a keek at the latest Uncut magazine when I didn’t quite take in the title of Elvis Costello’s new album. I’ll leave it to your imagination as to how I initially read it…

Back to the stars…

Minds Music Monday – Space – Johnson Somerset Mix

I wanted to choose Space today because – I always wish to see Jim in my dreams. I spent the past few years before going to sleep, making that wish… “Please! When I go to sleep PLEASE let me dream about him. If I can’t get to be with him and spend time with him like I’d love to in real life, at least let me have it in my dreams. Please just let me dream of being with him!”

It rarely ever happened. And I honestly don’t know when the last time I dreamed about him was. I gave up asking. He’s as sick of me in my dwam state as he is in real life, it seems.

I don’t think I had ever heard this Johnson Somerest mix of Space before today. He always makes good mixes, some are naturally better than others, but I don’t think there has ever been one I haven’t liked.

Jim – I am trying to give you space, I really am. The last thing I have ever wanted is to bore you rigid. I fear that I have. So I am trying really hard to stop that from happening. But you post things and then…I just want to talk to you! And then I just pray that you’ll respond to me. Interact with me. Throw me a bone by responding to me.

And then I sound all super needy and clingy and I hate myself because I know that kind of stuff is stuff you detest. As I said before – to be enthusiastic is great, but to be OVER-enthusiastic is undesired.

Today is also the anniversary of something else that I don’t really want to think about or have happen ever, ever again. But it doesn’t stop me from living further back in the past. He started his post today with a quote from Kierkegaard …

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward

Soren Kierkegaard

I don’t feel like I live too much forward. I spend too much time in the past. Steeped in what feels like “halcyon days” when the art was good, when I felt like I was going somewhere, when I felt that affinity, though perhaps it was a dwam too?

GAH! I’m so sick of myself! No wonder he’s sick of me too! If I’m not living in the past, I just want to live in dreams…

Jim, Are You Not Entertained? Podcast Chat

Jim posted about it yesterday, saying he was asked about Mandela.

It’s all well and good they were asking about Mandela Day. As you say, under current circumstances it makes sense.

But I still can’t help but feel pangs of envy. I mean, geez, it’s their SECOND interview in as many years and I can’t even get a look in!

And I know why. I get it. I am not deemed professional. My blog is just a “fan blog”. “Jim and Charlie don’t do blogs.” And I fancy the pants off you and adore you and I know doubt bore you to tears as well. And all that goes against me.

But! As a fan, I have questions. Rather different and specific ones. Not your usual “tell us the story about ‘dot dot dot’”. Maybe that’s what else goes against me also?

No. It’s just this…thing. This overriding feeling I get from you that I bore you rigid and you don’t really want to talk to me. I had my time and now I am “surplus to requirements”.

Man, I wish the shoe was on the other foot – or the feeling was mutual. Lol. But it isn’t. It never will be. I’ll ALWAYS want to talk to you, spend time with you, be near you. 😞😞😞

Anyways, here’s a link to the podcast. I’ve not listened to it yet. Or to the Jools thing yet. I’ll get round to it. When I have finished licking my wounds and wishing for things that will never be. (Reading certain passages of Lanark – man, I feel Alasdair Gray’s anguish over the opposite sex.)

 

https://ayne.podbean.com

(P.S. I nicked Sir’s selfie. Bite me, Kerr!)

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Tears For Tat?

It was meant to be a play on words – “Tit for Tat” – but failed. Lol

This afternoon’s post about Elbow and Jamesie. The talk about “The Birds” making him cry. I could dream it was a response to my first “reply” playlist to him. My “Tears” playlist.

And he brings up birds. Surely he knows what I’m like with birds by now. The mere mention of them will set me off.

It had me thinking about Speirs Wharf and the sand martins.

Jamesie – the pheasant. Lol

Sweeties.

Oh, I have such dreams…

“What are we gonna do with you” … Larelle?

UPDATE: Oh, drats! It was Lippy Kids what made him cry. What do I know? Lol. I should learn to read!

What do I know? I know that no matter how present he feels, I still miss him. I still want to talk to him and feel close to him. That I am a clingy fucking fuckwit and I get angry with myself for being such a lovelorn idiot. 

That’s what I know.

”What are we gonna do with you, Larelle?”

Quit Dreaming…

It has been playing on my mind so much lately, it was in my dreams this morning. I haven’t dreamed of him for some time.

The scenario was…backstage, at a soundcheck. Myself and a few other female fans. I’m unsure how I even got to be there given how the dream panned out.

He was being doted on and fussed over, and he was enjoying himself immensely, thank you very much. Until I said something and his face soured. I didn’t say anything particularly crass or dodgy or anything – but the look of disdain on his face was hard – well, impossible – for him to disguise.

And that was it. I out and out asked him “you really don’t like me very much, do you?” Nothing. He said nothing. Just a kind of shrug and a look that said “I have no words.”

One of the other ladies around says something to him and he smiles away and flirts with her. I respond. “See! This is the thing! Well, you could have at least sugar-coated it! …’Don’t be daft. Why would you think that?’ … Your silence tells me everything I need to know.”

“What do you want me to say?”, he says.

“Have I upset you? Tell me what it is.” I awoke before any answer was forthcoming. Would he have given one? [and an answer!! Boom boom! – yeah, I’m my own worst enemy and probably the reason he DOES hate my guts] Do I just take it that the answer will be “you’re too ‘in your face’. Too annoying, too demanding, too pestering, too…you”.

Yes. It’s only a dream. But apart from the scenario of being backstage, the rest of it felt very real. Lucid…

Was I upset in the dream? Of course! He was making no bones about how he was feeling about my presence there. I didn’t cry in his face. I try to possess some modicum of dignity – despite how it looks!

Have I awoken upset? Yes…probably much more so than I allowed him to see in the dream.

I wish it didn’t play on my mind so much. And I REALLY, REALLY WISH that I didn’t give two fucks. But I do.

I do.

Fan AND Friend? In My Dreams!

Oh, how I wish I could straddle those first two descriptions, but I know I will only ever be steadfastly in the first. If I’m even in there. I might not be “real” enough to even fit that mould.
*sigh*

Probably why I never actually passed on good luck to the band in general (extended good luck and safe travels to some individual members), as I am feeling less and less “part of it”, the more I get…absorbed in it.

Never mind, eh?

Anyway. I’ll dream I’m at least in the first and have endless fantasies of being in the second…

Minds Music Monday – Boys From Brazil

They’re in rehearsals this week. The OH and I just talking over what we believe to be the usual scenario – Jim turns up to rehearsals on the final day.

“How are we doing?” asks Jim. “WE’RE doing great”, says Charlie. Then my dream wish kicks in…”Oh, by the way, we’ve added Boys From Brazil to the set list”, says Charlie.
“You what?”
“Yeah, we took a vote. It was unanimous. Enjoy your rehearsals, Jim. I’m off for a wee dram. See ya.”

IN MY DREAMS!

Lick My Oreos!

I shared this on the SMO visitor wall…but I am sure they’ll take the bloody thing down for heaven’s sake, even though I am just sharing it for a laugh and probably no SM fan would bid… but it’s good cause anyway. I would hope they won’t mind.

I couldn’t help but imagine the SM ladies and…a few men too…what we’d be like if Jim had done this. OMG!

WOOF! “Towel for Priptona!” Lol

IN MY DREAMS!

In Dreams We Are Helpless

I have been sleeping-in lately. Demanding dreams from my subconscious. Every night before I fall asleep, I pray that I’ll dream. Good dreams. Dreams that once awake and I have even just a fraction of lucidity of the dream, that it’ll turn to fruition.

This morning I had dreams.
In the first I was with Jim and Charlie. And we were sitting around, chatting and laughing. I cannot tell you how much I wish for that to be real! Or to continue to dream it over and over again every night.

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The other is a VERY rare occurrence (dreams of Jim – with or without Charlie – are rare enough these days). My mum. I couldn’t tell you the last time I dreamed of her. But this one will haunt me.

It was loaded with metaphor and symbolism. I had been contacted by what appeared to be government authorities and/or health professionals. She was meant to be in care…but she wasn’t. She was on her own in this remote, desolate place completely unfamiliar to me.

She was roaming around outside. I’m not sure how I was seeing this as I was, but these people were showing me video footage of her. Like…CCTV footage…but this place was so remote. Maybe it was being recorded from a drone? I don’t know. Certain things in dreams make no sense.

I digress. She was roaming around outside. Working. Walking around finding weeds and rubbish. She was carrying some kind of tool. Not a light thing. And she look as she did when I left in 2016. Thinner than I have ever seen her in my entire life. When I went home in 2015…I hadn’t seen her for eight years and she had became a shell of herself. I had never, ever seen her so thin. I don’t think she had been that thin since she was a child. The shock of it stunned me for days. It took days for me to get my head around this woman who looked like my mum but was waaaaay thinner than my mum had ever been was indeed my mum!

I digress again. These two people – a man and a woman – showing me her on the monitor (I sensed I was watching live footage, or very recent recorded footage…mere hours old) were saying “She won’t rest. She’s doing too much. She just wanders and wanders.” And I am sitting there thinking “habit of a lifetime, guys. She’s been like this since time immemorial. All the years I have known her.”

Even in 2015/16. Up and down like a yo-yo. Endless retorts of frustration from me “PLEASE SIT DOWN! I’M HERE NOW. PLEASE LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU!” Over and over. Every day. A person too used to being alone. Too used to just having to get up and do it herself. No one else there.

I’m watching her on the screen…and she just looks lost. Really lost. I’d never seen her look lost before. Determined. Focussed. Busy. Pre-occupied. Happy, even. But never lost. Never confused. Never unsure. Somehow still happy though.

Happy. But tired. And lost.
I awoke feeling further away from her than ever.

Limbo is hell.

The Tees Tease

Dang! Okay, so it was a SFY shirt…and well, it isn’t looking too dissimilar in concept to the Grandslam Summer design, to be honest.

I know Stuart is the current designer. And he’s fabulous…oh, but to just DREAM of something like that! One break! One special one off. And not even for monetary gain or anything, but just to be able to say “Frigging wow! What an honour! The band I love are allowing me to design a shirt!” It would be unreal.

But there we are. That’s not how the world works.

Still, one could argue I’ve had my five minutes.

Damn! I hate when my green-eyed monster rears its ugly head. But, god…it would just be so amazing.

I always want more.