I want to believe I have SOME ability or aptitude for SOMETHING. I think I take a knock to any minor degree of confidence I have in myself SSSOOO hard that I end up giving up. I have GOT TO STOP this from happening!
I really do think it is why I “fell” so hard for Jim. I’ll run over old ground, I know….I’m sorry! But that thing of him making – what felt like to me at least – such a show of what I had done…it gave me a sense of worth that I don’t think I had ever felt in my life. Or if I ever felt it before then, not for a very long time until then.
Where is this post going?
Around lunchtime today I got the result of my first assignment. And I am no doubt being overly analytical and overly critical of my result. I scored a 60. By no means a fail. It is what is deemed a “clear pass”. And I got myself tied up in knots because I couldn’t open the file with my tutor’s detailed assessment notes and comments on my submitted assignment, all I could see was the file of the official grade. So I saw my grade and could see no feedback.
I take things like this so badly. I’m just not strong like I need to be. I take it all so personally and so deeply. I then get too emotional. Cry my heart out and wallow in all the negative aspects and concern myself with what I have got wrong and don’t see this assignment grade as a positive start with natural room for growth, but as “Oh, I knew I’d be AVERAGE. I am not understanding the questions properly, or I am not replying and answering in the way that is required. God, WILL I EVER GET THIS?!”
I got a lower mark for my answer on Elizabeth I than I did for my answer for Mary, the mother of Jesus, and a more detailed feedback on Elizabeth too.
I was pretty adamant about what topics I wanted to work on for my second assignment but my result is making me rethink. I am having a rethink because I felt that the topics I have enjoyed the most should be the ones I work with for my assignment. But is that the best line of approach? Should it be what I have enjoyed learning most? Or should it be what I feel best at responding to?
I spent the afternoon allowing myself to wallow in self-pity. To let myself feel disappointed with myself, but give myself a right talking to tomorrow! View my result again and actually see it for what it is – a very fine first attempt! Not a fail! Not a bare pass! But a CLEAR PASS! And not the bottom end of a clear pass either! (Clear pass rate is 55-69)
I will learn. I will PASS better – next time. NOT “fail better” – PASS better, by learning from my own “failures”.
