Quit Dreaming…

It has been playing on my mind so much lately, it was in my dreams this morning. I haven’t dreamed of him for some time.

The scenario was…backstage, at a soundcheck. Myself and a few other female fans. I’m unsure how I even got to be there given how the dream panned out.

He was being doted on and fussed over, and he was enjoying himself immensely, thank you very much. Until I said something and his face soured. I didn’t say anything particularly crass or dodgy or anything – but the look of disdain on his face was hard – well, impossible – for him to disguise.

And that was it. I out and out asked him “you really don’t like me very much, do you?” Nothing. He said nothing. Just a kind of shrug and a look that said “I have no words.”

One of the other ladies around says something to him and he smiles away and flirts with her. I respond. “See! This is the thing! Well, you could have at least sugar-coated it! …’Don’t be daft. Why would you think that?’ … Your silence tells me everything I need to know.”

“What do you want me to say?”, he says.

“Have I upset you? Tell me what it is.” I awoke before any answer was forthcoming. Would he have given one? [and an answer!! Boom boom! – yeah, I’m my own worst enemy and probably the reason he DOES hate my guts] Do I just take it that the answer will be “you’re too ‘in your face’. Too annoying, too demanding, too pestering, too…you”.

Yes. It’s only a dream. But apart from the scenario of being backstage, the rest of it felt very real. Lucid…

Was I upset in the dream? Of course! He was making no bones about how he was feeling about my presence there. I didn’t cry in his face. I try to possess some modicum of dignity – despite how it looks!

Have I awoken upset? Yes…probably much more so than I allowed him to see in the dream.

I wish it didn’t play on my mind so much. And I REALLY, REALLY WISH that I didn’t give two fucks. But I do.

I do.

In Dreams We Are Helpless

I have been sleeping-in lately. Demanding dreams from my subconscious. Every night before I fall asleep, I pray that I’ll dream. Good dreams. Dreams that once awake and I have even just a fraction of lucidity of the dream, that it’ll turn to fruition.

This morning I had dreams.
In the first I was with Jim and Charlie. And we were sitting around, chatting and laughing. I cannot tell you how much I wish for that to be real! Or to continue to dream it over and over again every night.

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The other is a VERY rare occurrence (dreams of Jim – with or without Charlie – are rare enough these days). My mum. I couldn’t tell you the last time I dreamed of her. But this one will haunt me.

It was loaded with metaphor and symbolism. I had been contacted by what appeared to be government authorities and/or health professionals. She was meant to be in care…but she wasn’t. She was on her own in this remote, desolate place completely unfamiliar to me.

She was roaming around outside. I’m not sure how I was seeing this as I was, but these people were showing me video footage of her. Like…CCTV footage…but this place was so remote. Maybe it was being recorded from a drone? I don’t know. Certain things in dreams make no sense.

I digress. She was roaming around outside. Working. Walking around finding weeds and rubbish. She was carrying some kind of tool. Not a light thing. And she look as she did when I left in 2016. Thinner than I have ever seen her in my entire life. When I went home in 2015…I hadn’t seen her for eight years and she had became a shell of herself. I had never, ever seen her so thin. I don’t think she had been that thin since she was a child. The shock of it stunned me for days. It took days for me to get my head around this woman who looked like my mum but was waaaaay thinner than my mum had ever been was indeed my mum!

I digress again. These two people – a man and a woman – showing me her on the monitor (I sensed I was watching live footage, or very recent recorded footage…mere hours old) were saying “She won’t rest. She’s doing too much. She just wanders and wanders.” And I am sitting there thinking “habit of a lifetime, guys. She’s been like this since time immemorial. All the years I have known her.”

Even in 2015/16. Up and down like a yo-yo. Endless retorts of frustration from me “PLEASE SIT DOWN! I’M HERE NOW. PLEASE LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU!” Over and over. Every day. A person too used to being alone. Too used to just having to get up and do it herself. No one else there.

I’m watching her on the screen…and she just looks lost. Really lost. I’d never seen her look lost before. Determined. Focussed. Busy. Pre-occupied. Happy, even. But never lost. Never confused. Never unsure. Somehow still happy though.

Happy. But tired. And lost.
I awoke feeling further away from her than ever.

Limbo is hell.