Minds Music Monday – Space

This song has a similar personal feeling for me than Spaceface does. Almost like they fit hand in glove. Even with the similarities in title – Space/Spaceface. There’s also a line within Wonderful In Young Life that fits in with the theme that I find particularly poignant. “Surviving these changes in paces and faces in free wonder, free wonder, free wonder style.” 

For the two minutes I decided to try and sell my “art” as a kind of merch thing, selling prints, shirts and mugs, I titled my “business” Free Wonder Style. Paid for a web domain and everything. Feels another lifetime ago now. Hey ho. 

Anyway, I digress already and we’re barely under way!

Space always felt like a “letting go” song. It resonated most with me when the “limerence” was at its worst. When I felt that Jim wanted “no more”. The placement of that idea? That signal? That came wholly within my own mind. When you’re wanting something so much. Wanting to feel a connection that you wish for all the world is there but deep down, within your rational mind, you know it isn’t. It can’t ever be. It never was. 

“Imagination wears you out / crying brings you down again. The dream is over / the feeling’s gone / and we were something / you were dreaming all along.”

YOU WERE DREAMING ALL ALONG. 

Everything about the song. Each line. Each line would just be like….

But then I’d hole on to the uplifting bits. “I’m the star you see tonight / and I wish I may / I wish I might / be in your dreams tonight.” 

How many times I have been in bed at night, getting ready to settle down to sleep and I have silently mouthed a little chant of “please let me dream of him, please let me dream of him”.

I did it again last night! But he appeared. With the rest of the band. I couldn’t quite work out the scenario of the dream. I think I was allowed to go to see them rehearse somewhere. Cherisse greeted me in the dream. Let me in, showed me round. I bumped into Charlie. We had a brief chat but then he had to go off. As for Jim? Well, he was busy elsewhere, conducting interviews and what not. I saw him at the far end of one area within this kinda “complex” this dream was set in, but he was too far away from me to even say hello to or anything. 

My dreams generally have a huge smack of reality to them. 

It’s a song that I feel makes me come to terms with things. And I hate how ridiculous that makes me sound! The whole “limerence” thing. I don’t want it to be a “thing”, you know? 

Like I said in my previous post discussing limerence. I feel like I am an otherwise intelligent and rational person. And I fear my explanation of my own “limerence” is not clear enough. I feel like I have to explain myself over and over again. I am NOT so deluded as to want “romantic love” from Jim! It really isn’t that! I don’t want to “run off with him”! That’s fucking ridiculous! I’m not THAT absurd or that much of a fantasist! 

It really was just – friendship. A bond. I like you, and I hope you like me too. I just have been craving a closeness that just isn’t there. I have me and my small bunch of friends and well, Jim joked way back before Simple Minds got REALLY big that he had 8000 friends – or whatever astronomical figure it was then. And I know – rational hat on, that there are many people he’s known for years, all his life nearly. People he calls pals who he’d hardly have any contact with! So…who the fuck am I? What kind of fucking audacity have I got to wish for getting emails or letters or shite like that from him, eh? I mean, Jesus! It would be different if I had known him from when I was wee. Like, really known him outside of Minds and all that. Knew him as “Jim fae Prospecthill Circus” like, you know? But I don’t.

That “just a fan” status thing is hard to take. But it’s the cold, hard reality of it. It doesn’t stop it from sucking ass though!

Sometimes…just to stop it hurting sometimes, I initiate the whole “it’s his loss” talk. It doesn’t make it any less painful. And it really doesn’t apply. It cannae. I cannae make him give two shits. And it’s not fair on him that I try and enforce it, like. 

So, getting back to Space. It makes me comes to terms with what is. What the “status quo” is. Where the lay of the land is. But, it still has that hope in it! Goddamnit! Like all Simple Minds songs do. It’s like it says to me “I know what you want, but you cannae have it. But, you can have it in your dreams.”

Well, of course I can have it in my dreams. I can have anything in my dreams. And I’m not even gonna go into the dreams I can have. Oh, the dreams I can have! That would make for some colourful posts, I tell ya!

Spaceface is more the antithesis of Space. Spaceface is pure joy. My “happy place”, as I call it. Pure “hunner per cent” uplifting. It’s my number one “feel good” Simple Minds track. Whereas Space is…a lament. There are things I want that I can’t have and I have to accept that. But…it’s okay to dream. It’s okay to want those things. To desire them. To wish for them. But don’t let it consume you. And there are times…too many times it feels as if it has consumed me. It has overtaken everything and made me ill. Or it has been exacerbated by another element of mental illness and I used it erroneously as a coping mechanism against other aspects of combating episodes of mental illness. 

I still find it INCREDIBLY difficult to admit to and talk openly about my mental ill health. I don’t want to be seen as “mental” or “sick”. And I fear what people think of me – and it’s a vicious cycle because it is such an integral part of my ill health – that CONSTANT fear and concern of what people think of me and how I am perceived by others. But that is something I cannot alter. I cannot alter people’s perceptions of me. And in whatever way people perceive me, if it is an a way that is negative and it means they distance themselves from me – well, IT IS “their loss”. But the “people pleaser” in me continues to struggle to come to terms with that. Even though I accept and understand all the rationale behind it. You CAN’T have EVERYBODY like you! You just can’t. And nor should you want to. And Jim falls into that, you know?

It’s a whole jumbled up plethora of stuff.

Space is sometimes a very hard listen for me because of what the song symbolises to me.

When I am at my worst, mental health wise, I would cling on so much to the line “if you’re talking / I will listen”. Because sometimes it felt like Jim was listening to me. 

It still stings my eyes with tears just how much I used to feel that and how much I have held on to it. How tightly I have held onto that. 

It’s a long, slow letting go. I had been alone for so long. Before 2014 and Simple Minds mega fandom. So alone. Never imagined in a million years that Jim himself would make me feel welcome and part of the fold. It was a lighting of touch paper though. And such emotional sparks flew from within. 

An inferno that is slowly quelling to kindling. 

“The dream is over / party’s over.”

Star light. That light needs to shine from within.

Minds Music Monday – Space – Johnson Somerset Mix

I wanted to choose Space today because – I always wish to see Jim in my dreams. I spent the past few years before going to sleep, making that wish… “Please! When I go to sleep PLEASE let me dream about him. If I can’t get to be with him and spend time with him like I’d love to in real life, at least let me have it in my dreams. Please just let me dream of being with him!”

It rarely ever happened. And I honestly don’t know when the last time I dreamed about him was. I gave up asking. He’s as sick of me in my dwam state as he is in real life, it seems.

I don’t think I had ever heard this Johnson Somerest mix of Space before today. He always makes good mixes, some are naturally better than others, but I don’t think there has ever been one I haven’t liked.

Jim – I am trying to give you space, I really am. The last thing I have ever wanted is to bore you rigid. I fear that I have. So I am trying really hard to stop that from happening. But you post things and then…I just want to talk to you! And then I just pray that you’ll respond to me. Interact with me. Throw me a bone by responding to me.

And then I sound all super needy and clingy and I hate myself because I know that kind of stuff is stuff you detest. As I said before – to be enthusiastic is great, but to be OVER-enthusiastic is undesired.

Today is also the anniversary of something else that I don’t really want to think about or have happen ever, ever again. But it doesn’t stop me from living further back in the past. He started his post today with a quote from Kierkegaard …

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward

Soren Kierkegaard

I don’t feel like I live too much forward. I spend too much time in the past. Steeped in what feels like “halcyon days” when the art was good, when I felt like I was going somewhere, when I felt that affinity, though perhaps it was a dwam too?

GAH! I’m so sick of myself! No wonder he’s sick of me too! If I’m not living in the past, I just want to live in dreams…

Why I Love…Space

A rare beast in the Simple Minds canon, in that there is almost no musical intro before Jim starts to sing. (As far as the version on Our Secrets Are The Same goes. More on that later…)

“I’ll hurt you if you say I did”. (ie: if you wish it to be, it’ll come to fruition.) It’s not a threat…but a statement. You almost need to read the sentence backwards. If you believe I’ve hurt you, then I have…as far as you are concerned.

“Imagination wears you out. Crying brings you down again.
The dream is over,
The feeling’s gone.
And we were something you were dreaming all along.”

This part of the song always speaks to me on a personal level. I always feel it when….I feel that my “time in the sun” is gone. That Jim is…no longer interested. That I have pushed things too far. Made myself far too emotionally attached, etc, etc. These lines are what will play.

Space feels really personal because of it.

This “why I love” will be stupid, personal, oversharing as a result. This song…breaks my heart, but I love it too.

The past three years of my “uber” fandom has been such a whirlwind. And it *is* like one massive rollercoaster. Loads of highs and some lows. I could…go through it all…but, well, just take a look at this blog. It explains it all.

And so when the Minds fandom rollercoaster is on a low (like about now), when I feel “the dream is over” and “the feeling’s gone”. When I feel I need to brace myself to be “dumped”. When the emotional investment is too high. When the stick dangling that carrot gets pulled away from me with short shrift…this is when this song has its potency and poignancy.

It’s the lines aforementioned that make me feel all…melancholy. “Oh, this time I’ve done it! I’ve hacked him off. I’m sharing too much of the art. Of myself. If I piss him off, I wish he’d just tell me to fuck off instead of being quiet!” The silence kills.

And then…it comes back again. He’ll interact with me. Reply to a comment with a big old blurb. Suddenly, randomly share a piece of art.

And then the last verse is there in the mind.

“The dream is over, party’s over,
I’m still waiting, nothing falling.
No confusion, no suspicion,
If you’re talking, I will listen.”

And the ever hopeful chorus…just like that little child’s nursery rhyme…

“Star light, star bright,
I’m the star you see tonight.
And I wish I may, I wish I might,
Be in your dreams tonight.”

And so do I, Jim. So do I. Nearly every single night I fall asleep…when sleep actually takes hold. Except, I hardly ever dream of the ones I…love. (See? What did I say about oversharing?!)

Charlie’s guitar (unless I am mistaken and it is Gordy playing? He once told me that one riff I really loved that I assumed was Charlie’s, was in actual fact Gordy Goudie’s) is just SSOO bittersweet. Along with my favourite of This Earth That You Walk Upon, I find a proper “weeping” guitar moment. Just…yearning, and beautiful.

There are two versions to Space. The original studio recording done for Our Secrets Are The Same, and a re-recording placed on the Celebrate compilation. I love both versions equally. There’s an extra vulnerability with the first version…as well as the way Jim’s voice has been distorted. The latter version, I love the protracted ending, with the vocal repetition of “be in your dreams tonight”….it seems like it’ll never end…yet it does, rather suddenly too! The latter version has much more of the lullaby quality to it.
The vulnerability is in the rawness of the former….the sensibility of the latter is in its subtlety. It’s much sweeter, musically.

As with just about every Simple Minds song I can think of, there is ultimately a hope.

Mine is…never to stuff up. Never to fall “out of favour”. Never to feel that “the dream is over” and that “the feeling’s gone”. And that Jim will wish to be in my dreams, because I wish him to be in my dreams…always.

And that is why I love…Space.

Enjoy the latter Celebrate compilation version.