Two bits about the interviews today that I want to bring up.
In the Scots magazine interview is this passage:
“Despite such global acclaim, incredible wealth, and high-profile marriages to Patsy Kensit and Chrissie Hynde, Kerr has always maintained an air of humility. ‘It’s not in my nature to be any other way’, he says. ‘I couldn’t put on a layer of arrogance if I tried.’
(And we all laughed.)
‘People in life who are like that would be like that anyway, whether they were rock stars or brain surgeons or manual workers. This is an industry that changes people, but a lot are just like that in the first place.’”
And this is where I am genuinely perplexed, because, some time back he conducted an interview with…I think it was Classic Rock, maybe, but the header read “Arrogance got me to where I am”. (It was the History Of Rock – 1980 – and it’s headed “Arrogance got me places.” – to see the article search “history of rock” with the blog’s search feature.)
And even in the Collision interview with Cat Govelli shared today he said (when Cat said she was trying to avoid asking the ‘secret to longevity in the music biz’ question, “You’ve got to be a type to do that. You’ve got to be born the type, so that’s luck….You do have [to have] the desire and you do have to want it and you do have to be relentless and you do have to be a lot of ugly things as well. You know, you do have to fight like fuck, you really do. You need to be selfish. You need to disappoint a lot of people by not being around when you want them to be [I think he meant when THEY want YOU to be], and that’s just some of the things.”
Just some of the things?…Perhaps I am still confusing self-belief with arrogance? I don’t know. Perhaps it is bravado? Bravado is different, and can be exuded even – well, especially so, when you don’t believe it. I’m a case in point. A prime case. The bravado can be there sometimes. I can look at something I’ve done, and on a good day I see it with that skewed bravado and think “Oh, fuck that’s good! I did that! I made it!” On the odd occasion, when I see it, I still think that way of the painting I did of him that now belongs to Stuart. I was proud enough of it to genuinely grapple with giving it away. And I miss it sometimes, because I fear I’ll never paint any other depiction of him anywhere near as good again.
And I want to claim back that feeling I had back then when I tackled it. I BELIEVED I could at least TRY and paint him. And I had already made one attempt, and it didn’t deter me. It spurred me on. And now? I WANT IT BACK! (The feeling, not the painting) I *want* that determination back! It was there last year…but this year, it has forsaken me.
But, having read what he said today. I need to fight it. It’s hard…because, with the painting, it is a CONSTANT feeling of why am I bothering? I can’t paint to save my life! It’ll look shit, and you KNOW it’ll look shit. Why start?
It’s the Howard Hodgkin effect. I don’t feel freedom of expression in painting. I feel confinement. But I WANT TO DO IT. And I don’t rightly understand WHY I want to do it…but I do. But it’s a fight. An inward fight. An internal fight. A fight with my own ability, or lack there of. And that’s another thing. When do you just resign yourself to knowing your shit? Are you REALLY shit? Or is it just that self-loathing? That feeling of worthlessness that makes you believe your shit and takes your drive and determination away?
Answers on a postcard…
The second thing was what he said of his voice in the SongFacts interview. Elaborating on the way some performances of songs have changed over time…”Quite a lot of songs from the ’80s, around ’80, ’82. They were kind of quirky. They had my ’80s voice, which was not my voice. It was me trying to find my voice. And then when I found my voice I thought, ‘Well, I’ve outgrown that adolescent voice.’ And then, later on, (in a high voice), ‘Hey, that adolescent voice was cool.’ Yeah, some of it was off-kilter, but that’s what made it cool.”
And I can give examples of what I interpret to be what he means by it. It is why I love tracks like Boys From Brazil and Careful In Career…there is a nuance to them in the delivery that has always fascinated me. I never tire of it. The way he delivers the words “Brazil” and “ecstasy” within said songs, for example….there has always been something about them.
I love how these interviews have me pondering and throwing up even more questions than they seemingly answer. Lol
And I wish I could ask him a million questions, ya da ya da. But, I know it’ll never happen. Put me in front of him, place a microphone in my hand…or a microphone between us and, well…
The microphone wouldn’t even have to be there. Lol
How much do I sound like I want to probe him? Lol
(VERY WRONG CHOICE OF WORDS THERE!)
I don’t think I’ll ever stop finding him fascinating. Oh, there is part of me waiting for the time when I get bored of him. Lol. I kept waiting to get bored of listening to SM EVERY SINGLE DAY when I was in Oz. Getting into the habit of falling asleep listening to them each night (as it was difficult to find the time during the day) and it just never stopped…and still goes on to this day. There’s rarely a night I’m NOT listening to them through my sleeping hours. It’s almost a security blanket.