Why Does No One Get It?

The drumming thing and what happened yesterday. It has nothing to do with my ability to PLAY but my ability to LEARN!

Telling me “it’s early days”. I KNOW THIS! I am NOT expecting to be Cherisse after three fucking lessons!

But…what WOULD help immensely is a kit set up to my level of comfort. Being able to practice on kits is invaluable but also feels like folly right now, given where I am at financially. I am spending £16 a week having two hours of practice each week. I walk 6 miles each time too…walking to the local train station, and then walking to the rehearsal studio…and back again.

I am dedicating time, money and effort to this thing! I wish I could do more.

Every week there is some kind of set back…crappy uncomfortable drum set ups…cancelled trains that make me late and eat into my practice time…yet MORE crappy drum set ups!

How do I explain it? I dunno. You’ve been asked to run a marathon, but all you have is trainers that are both left feet. I dunno. That’s a crappy analogy.

I’ll watch videos so I can set the kit to how I want it…but no matter what…it’ll eat into valuable learning time. And it alters my mood and it just makes me feel instantly on the back foot.

Another is…CCTV. There’s a CCTV camera in every room. I can’t tell you how much that makes me self-conscious…to know there could be someone watching how crap I am going. I try to put it to the back of my mind…but the reality is is I am a 48 year old woman going into a rehearsal studio on my own and it makes me feel like an idiot.

On weekends the music complex is really busy and that also adds to the self-conscious idiotic feeling. Seeing young-uns come in and just…it’s deflating.

Nothing comes naturally to me. I feel DIRECTIONLESS. I don’t feel like I can “just experiment” and “bash away”. I feel daft! There’s a reason why people have lessons and tutors…FOR GUIDANCE AND STRUCTURE. If I thought I could teach myself?! Great. Not a problem! But at this age? That is highly unlikely. I cannot see it happening.

I’ve booked another two hour slot for Sunday. It’s too easy to give up, I guess. So let’s just keep on squandering money and deluding ourselves this will end up going somewhere, shall we?

Every great drummer started somewhere, right? But most of them started out VERY young. Perhaps one day I’ll hold some kind of ridiculous niche of knocking people out with my drumming prowess by them discovering that I didn’t start learning until I was 48. Pffft. Yeah, I’m not convinced either.

At the end of the day there is a distinction between WANTING to be great, and having the aptitude to BECOME great. I suppose I just have to give it time…time to convince myself that it’s too early to judge now. Is it? *shrugs*

I am so scared that two years down the line what I will see for my effort is, well, nothing. A badge that says “well, at least she wasn’t a quitter”.

From Disheartened To Determined: This Week’s Drumming Practice

I am booked in for two hours drumming practice from midday and I get to the train station a few minutes before 11am for the 11.21 train. Except…the 11.21 train is cancelled, and there is a train to London at 11am that would eventually get me there on time (a service going direct to St Pancras International. I’ll have to turn back on myself to get to Mill Hill but it would still get me there before midday). But I need to collect my tickets from the machine first. That takes a couple of minutes. The train has arrived in the meantime and is sitting on the platform. I try getting through the barrier with my ticket but it won’t let me though. I have to call for assistance and wait to be let through the barrier. Seconds tick by. By the time I am finally let through, the train doors close and even though it is still at the platform and stationary, I can’t get the doors to open.

I miss the train. I contemplate getting on the next train to St Pancras but toss up whether I’ll actually get there any earlier than waiting for the next all stops train after my cancelled one. I decide it’s best to wait for that one. I end up 30 mins late. Bum!

The rehearsal room is great. A good size. Nice and bright. A great kit set up. All good. Those things really made a difference compared to how it all felt last week.

I felt much better at the kit this week.

Towards the end of my session, I decided to film myself for a few mins. I don’t really know why. I watched it back when I got home and decided to share it on FB. An exercise in being a glutton for punishment, I guess. To thicken my skin. To say “Yes, I know I’m shit…but I WILL get better!” To show progression!

That’s it! In 6 months from now….a year from now…I can watch this clip back and say to myself “Remember when you were shit? Or when you felt shit? And you didn’t think you were going to get any better? Look at you here! You didn’t think you were going to be doing the things you are doing now back then. You’ve progressed. And you will continue to progress.”

I want this! I want to be able to play to a standard. Do I want to be able to join a band? Unless I get REALLY good…no, not especially. That’s all too late. But I want to be able to play good. It’ll take some time to get to that standard. A minimum of a couple of years. Possibly more at this age. I’m old!

“Aunt Fanny” (“personify your inner voice – make her an old, cantankerous aunt” a lovely fellow SM fan offering me support suggested to me this week) has been muffled some right now. (I chose Aunt Fanny, because that is what I resolve to give her of myself and my time – sweet Fanny Adams.)

I know I have a while to go, and Aunt Fanny will try and make her voice heard ALL THE TIME, but if she goes on too much, she will definitely be shown the door!

Anyways…here’s the clip. Enjoy!

Roll on next week!