Minds Music Monday – Jeweller To The Stars/The Jeweller (Part 2)

I don’t know why I have it stuck in my head as a Charlie Burchill song, but I just do. And by a Charlie song, I mean it being a song about Charlie.I don’t know where I have got that implanted in my head. It must have been something Jim had said when talking about the song? Perhaps he just expressed a particular likeness for Charlie’s guitar work on the track? Whatever it was, I have thought of “Jeweller” as Charlie’s song ever since.

Proving also that inspiration can come from just about anywhere, Jim said the lyrics came about from him seeing an advert in a magazine. I love it when he can share stories of defined examples of lyrical inspiration. I am sure most times his lyrics are an amalgam of inspiration. Pieces of a mosaic, as obscure and ambiguous as his words can be. Esp. early on in his songwriting. Never really a single point of focus. Well that’s how it seems anyway.

I like both the recorded versions of the song that I’ve heard. Both are very similar in sound with no real variation in lyrics, only just some backing vocal lyrics on one version, with Jim’s voice alternating in left and right channels to say “I want you – I still want you” – which for me is seductively sexy. 

“When all seems lost, you’ll find the diamonds in the rough” is the general optimistic message of the song. Well, that’s how I interpret it.

Pick out the jewels.

The Reminiscence Bump – Examples

I would have liked to have written more in relation to Jim’s post yesterday, but I had just written my waffling blurb about Space (or more accurately what the song Space means to me) for MMM and I didn’t have that much writing left in me. So I left it for today.

I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to write today. I had my Covid vaccine booster and my flu vaccine yesterday. It’s the first time I’ve had the flu jag. I woke up feeling fine. Other than a sore arm from the jags, I felt okay. I slept okay. A bit intermittent, but quite soundly when I did actually sleep. I think now it is catching up with me though as now I am here at my PC, ready to exercise the old brain and writing muscles, I can feel my energy draining away. I’m yawning and feeling quite lethargic now. I’m hoping it’s just for today that I’ll feel like this. I have a gig to go to in Newcastle on Thursday and I want to have my energy up for that! 

Anyway! On with the “reminiscence bump” that Jim wrote about yesterday. 

I really loved that post. I didn’t know that his knowledge and love for Wichita Lineman went back that far. But I guess why would I? I always think the melody in Wichita Lineman sounds like Grace Jones’s La Vie En Rose, or vice versa (that would be more accurate). Jimmy Webb is an overdue postponed gig I have to go to next year. 

I don’t have any recollections of ever having heard Wichita Lineman until the first time I saw Jim writing about it. 

But that “reminiscence bump”? There are plenty of songs that do that. And there was no way I could list them and the images, feelings and settings they transport me back to. I just as succinctly as possible spoke about the memory and “bump” Boys From Brazil now gives me. Nana Mouskouri and a coach ride home from London on a dark and dreary night. 

But there are other songs that give me experiences of deep “bumps” when I hear them. ELO’s Hold On Tight gives me the vivid memory of a car ride home from my siblings paternal grandparents house. They lived way out of Sydney. I can’t quite remember where it was now. I think it was south of Sydney, in a town called Nowra. A beautiful part of the state of New South Wales, actually. Anyway, the car radio is on and it comes on on the radio and I find it a really hopeful and uplifting song (there’s Jim thinking “you find ELO uplifting? They’re dross! To each their own, Mr Kerr. To each their own.) and it had been a nice day at my siblings’ grandparents house. I went there with my eldest brother, his wife and my sister. I usually felt “the odd one out” the few times I went to their house as…well…I wasn’t their grandchild and their grandma wasn’t the most warming of ladies, but that day she was quite nice to me and seemed to want to engage in conversation with me. So my memory of the day is a good one. And the ride home in the car was full of lovely music and everyone was in good spirits. So I see my brother driving the car at the front, his wife beside him in the passenger seat, me in the back seat directly behind Roy, and my sister, Cheryl, sitting next to me to my right. The sun was fading. It was a winter’s day, so it was quite cool. And I can see that lovely scenery of Southern yet not quite coastal New South Wales out the window. 

So there’s one example. 

Another is hearing the Skyhooks song All My Friends Are Getting Married. It was a newish song at the time. I’m sure I’m maybe only 5 years old. Perhaps maybe a little older, as I am in my brother Quince’s (real name Gary – hasn’t been called Gary by anyone in I don’t know HOW long – 40+ years? I was the last person to doggedly stick to calling him Gary, and I finally stopped in the mid 1990s) bedroom playing records, using his Technics turntable…so I HAD to be older than five! But I wouldn’t have been much older. But the visuals the song gives me are vivid. I am in Quince’s room (we were always alternating rooms growing up – but at this point Quince had the first bedroom down the hall, the smallest of the bedrooms) and I am playing the Skyhooks album Ego Is Not A Dirty Word and I absolutely ADORE All My Friends Are Getting Married…as young as I am. I can appreciate it for the lamenting song it. The chorus goes “well, all my friends are getting married / yes, they’re all growing old / they’re all staying home on the weekend / they’re all doing what they’re told”. There’s a kind of melancholy to it I could appreciate. But I misconstrued the lament as a kid. I thought it was a lament on missing out on the married life when in actual fact it was a lament that all your single friends have buggered off and settled down! Lol

Anyway…the “bump” is a visual of home. Of Quince’s bedroom. Of a dull, gloomy day. I could see through to the laundry room from Quince’s bedroom and can see out the back door to a (rare) dull, gloomy sky. I was always looking skyward as a kid. Always looking up – literally, if not metaphorically. 

Some of the “bumps”, as exemplified above are very fleeting snapshots, but no less vivid. 

Another one is another car journey. I am with my sister and brother-in-law. REM’s Losing My Religion is on the radio and we are driving through the back streets of Busby – the place I grew up in. An outer south-western suburb of Sydney. Busby was quite a sprawling suburb. All of that area of Sydney, those outer south-western suburbs was farmland and then was turned into council housing developments in the early 1960s. Had the Kerrs ended up emigrating to Australia and landed in Sydney, I am pretty sure an area like Busby or its surrounds is where they would have ended up. The car is actually travelling long South Liverpool Road. There you go – get your Google Maps out and have a keek! Lol

One final one I’ll share is a “bump” – yet ANOTHER car journey – that is a vivid recall when hearing the Tin Tin Out version of Here’s Where The Story Ends. It has real symbolism to it, and very personal, so I can’t share much of it – but the song’s title is a fitting meaning to why this particular car journey was happening. I’ll say as much as the journey was an outpatients hospital visit to Leicester. And it was the ending of one story and the beginning of another. It’s a vivid recall of trying to find the hospital and getting lost (pre-Google Maps and GPS navigation – having to locate the place the old fashioned way) but eventually locating it after going around roundabouts and driving round in literary circles for a good half an hour. 

Other memories get sparked by curtain songs. Certain Bowie songs have me back at home “deep in your room / you never leave your room”. Iggy Pop songs do that too. Bjork songs do. Grace Jones, U2, INXS, Spy vs Spy, Pretenders, Icehouse, Sherbet, The Carpenters – all of them conjure up memories, vivid visuals of me listening to the music either in the livingroom on the crappy “family” sound system, or in my own bedroom I had later as a late teen/early adult. 

Creedence Clearwater Revival, I am sitting around in the kitchen with my mum. We’re usually drinking, playing trivial pursuit or some other board game, getting merrily drunk and just having a fab “girls night in”. We loved doing that. Just having a night in together, getting pissed and listening to music. She loved old crooners too, so I’d borrow things from the library to listen to. Nat King Cole or Bing Crosby, Louis Armstrong or Ella Fitzgerald. 

Anyway. Enough of the nostalgia for one day. Geez, I keep myself deep within the clutches of nostalgia enough as it is – I don’t need any more excuses to wallow! My arm and shoulder is frigging aching to f*** anyway, and my head is starting to hurt a little. 

And because it’s vaguely relevant, I’ll end on this…

Minds Music Monday – Space

This song has a similar personal feeling for me than Spaceface does. Almost like they fit hand in glove. Even with the similarities in title – Space/Spaceface. There’s also a line within Wonderful In Young Life that fits in with the theme that I find particularly poignant. “Surviving these changes in paces and faces in free wonder, free wonder, free wonder style.” 

For the two minutes I decided to try and sell my “art” as a kind of merch thing, selling prints, shirts and mugs, I titled my “business” Free Wonder Style. Paid for a web domain and everything. Feels another lifetime ago now. Hey ho. 

Anyway, I digress already and we’re barely under way!

Space always felt like a “letting go” song. It resonated most with me when the “limerence” was at its worst. When I felt that Jim wanted “no more”. The placement of that idea? That signal? That came wholly within my own mind. When you’re wanting something so much. Wanting to feel a connection that you wish for all the world is there but deep down, within your rational mind, you know it isn’t. It can’t ever be. It never was. 

“Imagination wears you out / crying brings you down again. The dream is over / the feeling’s gone / and we were something / you were dreaming all along.”

YOU WERE DREAMING ALL ALONG. 

Everything about the song. Each line. Each line would just be like….

But then I’d hole on to the uplifting bits. “I’m the star you see tonight / and I wish I may / I wish I might / be in your dreams tonight.” 

How many times I have been in bed at night, getting ready to settle down to sleep and I have silently mouthed a little chant of “please let me dream of him, please let me dream of him”.

I did it again last night! But he appeared. With the rest of the band. I couldn’t quite work out the scenario of the dream. I think I was allowed to go to see them rehearse somewhere. Cherisse greeted me in the dream. Let me in, showed me round. I bumped into Charlie. We had a brief chat but then he had to go off. As for Jim? Well, he was busy elsewhere, conducting interviews and what not. I saw him at the far end of one area within this kinda “complex” this dream was set in, but he was too far away from me to even say hello to or anything. 

My dreams generally have a huge smack of reality to them. 

It’s a song that I feel makes me come to terms with things. And I hate how ridiculous that makes me sound! The whole “limerence” thing. I don’t want it to be a “thing”, you know? 

Like I said in my previous post discussing limerence. I feel like I am an otherwise intelligent and rational person. And I fear my explanation of my own “limerence” is not clear enough. I feel like I have to explain myself over and over again. I am NOT so deluded as to want “romantic love” from Jim! It really isn’t that! I don’t want to “run off with him”! That’s fucking ridiculous! I’m not THAT absurd or that much of a fantasist! 

It really was just – friendship. A bond. I like you, and I hope you like me too. I just have been craving a closeness that just isn’t there. I have me and my small bunch of friends and well, Jim joked way back before Simple Minds got REALLY big that he had 8000 friends – or whatever astronomical figure it was then. And I know – rational hat on, that there are many people he’s known for years, all his life nearly. People he calls pals who he’d hardly have any contact with! So…who the fuck am I? What kind of fucking audacity have I got to wish for getting emails or letters or shite like that from him, eh? I mean, Jesus! It would be different if I had known him from when I was wee. Like, really known him outside of Minds and all that. Knew him as “Jim fae Prospecthill Circus” like, you know? But I don’t.

That “just a fan” status thing is hard to take. But it’s the cold, hard reality of it. It doesn’t stop it from sucking ass though!

Sometimes…just to stop it hurting sometimes, I initiate the whole “it’s his loss” talk. It doesn’t make it any less painful. And it really doesn’t apply. It cannae. I cannae make him give two shits. And it’s not fair on him that I try and enforce it, like. 

So, getting back to Space. It makes me comes to terms with what is. What the “status quo” is. Where the lay of the land is. But, it still has that hope in it! Goddamnit! Like all Simple Minds songs do. It’s like it says to me “I know what you want, but you cannae have it. But, you can have it in your dreams.”

Well, of course I can have it in my dreams. I can have anything in my dreams. And I’m not even gonna go into the dreams I can have. Oh, the dreams I can have! That would make for some colourful posts, I tell ya!

Spaceface is more the antithesis of Space. Spaceface is pure joy. My “happy place”, as I call it. Pure “hunner per cent” uplifting. It’s my number one “feel good” Simple Minds track. Whereas Space is…a lament. There are things I want that I can’t have and I have to accept that. But…it’s okay to dream. It’s okay to want those things. To desire them. To wish for them. But don’t let it consume you. And there are times…too many times it feels as if it has consumed me. It has overtaken everything and made me ill. Or it has been exacerbated by another element of mental illness and I used it erroneously as a coping mechanism against other aspects of combating episodes of mental illness. 

I still find it INCREDIBLY difficult to admit to and talk openly about my mental ill health. I don’t want to be seen as “mental” or “sick”. And I fear what people think of me – and it’s a vicious cycle because it is such an integral part of my ill health – that CONSTANT fear and concern of what people think of me and how I am perceived by others. But that is something I cannot alter. I cannot alter people’s perceptions of me. And in whatever way people perceive me, if it is an a way that is negative and it means they distance themselves from me – well, IT IS “their loss”. But the “people pleaser” in me continues to struggle to come to terms with that. Even though I accept and understand all the rationale behind it. You CAN’T have EVERYBODY like you! You just can’t. And nor should you want to. And Jim falls into that, you know?

It’s a whole jumbled up plethora of stuff.

Space is sometimes a very hard listen for me because of what the song symbolises to me.

When I am at my worst, mental health wise, I would cling on so much to the line “if you’re talking / I will listen”. Because sometimes it felt like Jim was listening to me. 

It still stings my eyes with tears just how much I used to feel that and how much I have held on to it. How tightly I have held onto that. 

It’s a long, slow letting go. I had been alone for so long. Before 2014 and Simple Minds mega fandom. So alone. Never imagined in a million years that Jim himself would make me feel welcome and part of the fold. It was a lighting of touch paper though. And such emotional sparks flew from within. 

An inferno that is slowly quelling to kindling. 

“The dream is over / party’s over.”

Star light. That light needs to shine from within.

Minds Music Monday – This Is It

Sometimes for me the songs that should sound the easiest to decipher are the ones I struggle to gain clearly defined meaning from. This Is It is a case in point.

For as clear as the lyrics are in the song, there’s enough ambiguity in the meaning for me to question whether MY interpretation of it is the right one? I guess that’s where Jim would come in and say (perhaps) “it is whatever you interpret it to be. It doesn’t matter what I think it is.I just wrote it. As soon as it is out in the public for consumption, it’s no longer mine to dictate terms.” I think that is how most artists have to be, right? To feel able to see their work out in public, they have to do that public “letting go”? Ah, if only he were here to confirm it or redefine my interpretation. Alas…

Anyway, I digress.

I guess the thing I glean from the song is – change is a coming, prepare yourself. Embrace it! It COULD just be the “game-changer” you’ve been waiting for. When all seems lost, here comes change just when you need it. Make the most of it! Don’t be scared of it, embrace it!

And that really is an outlook I can do with embracing. Because, let’s face it, change IS scary – but it generally leads to better and more exciting things, so it is best to tackle it with an optimistic view, right?

Charlie’s guitar as the song is coming to its end? Wow! And during the fade out, it wailing away. That soaring screech of optimism. “They call it the new change”…. here it comes!

I find this song genuinely uplifting. A feel good tune.

And I really enjoyed doing this new piece of artwork with the song as the inspiration for it on Saturday night. I hope you like it too.

The Billy Breakdown 20/11/2021

I don’t know how long this new idea will last, but this is the start of a new concept for a weekly post here. It’s going to be called the “Billy Breakdown” and will basically be a short (or long-ish, depending upon how much I feel needs to be discussed) discussion about the previous evening’s edition of the Billy Sloan Show on BBC Radio Scotland.

There was no interviewee this week so the show was fairly crammed full of music this week, which was great. 

There were some really great tunes played this week. Standouts for me were the Wet Leg single, Chaise Lounge, which has now been a constant earworm for me over the past few days. I find the song absolutely SEXY AF. That part of the second verse “hey you, over there / on the chaise lounge in your underwear / what are you doing sitting down / you should be horizontal now” – I mean…come on! It doesn’t leave much to the imagination, does it!? But then there is also “hey you, in the front row / are you coming backstage after the show / because I’ve got a chaise lounge in my dressing room / and a pack of warm beer that we can consume.” Goddamnit, I wish! And no surprises as to who with, either. Bejaysus! 

Anyway, enough of Chaise Lounge and my sexual fantasies. 

Other things about the show this week that I loved:

Inwardly dancing like a loon to Magazine’s Because You’re Frightened. What a tune! And to hear Billy describe John McGeoch as “a beautiful man” – that was lovely. I wish I had got to know of John further back in time than I have done. Malcolm Garrett spoke very kindly of him to me also. He told me they shared a flat together for a time. He is greatly missed by a lot of people.

Hearing the new Johnny Marr single, Tenement Time again – that’s a catchy fucker too! He’s making some cracking music right now. Wish he could share some of that Halloween Scorp magic with me so I could become some super stellar, amazeballs person. 

The Associates – The Rhythm Divine. Another person greatly missed by many is Billy McKenzie. What an incredible voice – and I sat listening, captivated. Stunning. 

Loved the Wings songs played during the “Live and Dangerous” part of the show. It has made me want to hunt down and listen to Wings Over America. 

Then the Skids’ TV Stars. Never heard that before. That’s fab. 

Highlight and surprise of the night? – Highlight was the Lola In Slacks track Strawberry Locks. Wow – what a hypnotic kind of thing that was! It was bloody braw! Surprise of the night was The Scars’ Your Attention Please – and Billy giving me an education, name-dropping an Australian poet I had never heard of in my life! A man by the name of Peter Porter, who had written the poem The Scars track is based upon. Wow, it had some clout, that!

The topic for this week was to choose a song that has a list within the lyrics, be it placenames, items of food, clothing, people… whatever. As long as it listed things. The songs I enjoyed hearing on the topic were producer Gregor’s choice of Adam And The Ants’ Christian Dior, and the other was Ian Dury And The Blockheads’ Reasons To Be Cheerful Part 3. I’ve heard the song a few times over the years, but never really took any heed of the lyrics until last night. He was always great with words. My fave line? Unsurprisingly enough is the line “being in my nuddy” – not that I go about naked – just …. Certain imagery that I conjure up thinking of other persons (hint hint). I don’t need to elaborate any further on that, either, I don’t think! 

My choice for this week’s topic came to me quite late. I saw Billy ask the question as I was putting myself to bed on Tuesday night. And I went and had a look at the choices people had left on Facebook on Wednesday morning and saw that someone had chosen Up On The Catwalk. Nothing immediately sprang to my mind on Wednesday morning so I left even trying to think about coming up with a song. Then last night when he asked the question again shortly before going to air – like a shot John Grant’s Marz came to my brain. Marz is basically a list of ice cream flavours that he turns into verses of the song. Marz is meant to be about a place he’d go to as a kid. An ice cream parlour and they had all these fantastical ice cream flavours. It was one of his favourite places to go. For a song about ice cream flavours, it’s really quite beautiful. And I have that silly memory of being in Oz, and Jim writing a post about St Patrick’s Day, choosing a John Grant song and then him posting a link to Marz for me in the comments. Me forever associating the line “you’ll get your heart’s desire, I will meet you under the lights” as a wish to meet him at the stage doors after a gig as a wish that may by fulfilled sooner than I think, if I have the gumption to stand about and wait. Oh, Bridlington…

My choice wasn’t read out this week. Probably got lost in the deluge. 

Along with Up On The Catwalk, I Travel was also chosen by a listener. 

Billy played another track from Peter Capaldi’s St Christopher album and he said they had one of the most amazing responses ever to his interview the previous week with Peter. He said “I’ve interviewed some big names over these past years on Radio Scotland”, and Jim got mentioned amongst those “big names”. That’s Billy making sure he stays on Jim’s Christmas card list! Lol

As for next week he said “I am hoping to get a guest for next week, but nothing has been finalised yet.” Hmmm, a mystery! I wonder who it could be? I kind of wondered with the couple of name-drops that Jim got and that next week’s show will be on November 27th as to whether it might be Charlie on the show? That could be quite fab! 

We shall see!

Link to the show on BBC Sounds HERE

Reflect What You Are

I wish I was everything he is reflected right back, but I am the antithesis of all that he is.

He is light, and he is beauty.

All those Halloween pieces of work I made? They were just bits of fun. Meaningless guff! He’s not the devil, or DraKERRla, a fallen angel, or any of that nonsense.

Not an angel fallen – but one with wings to fly. Heaven sent.

Light in the dark.

Air.

Sunshine.

Beauty.

Intelligence.

An inspiration.

Pure joy.

A smile. A laugh. The sun. Radiating beauty….everywhere. But especially in my dark heart.

Minds Music Monday – The ‘Cure All’?

Differing tastes. Songs that you don’t initially warm to and songs you love from the get go. This is the theme for MMM this week. 

I was pondering what I was going to write about this week – thinking that I more often than not choose earlier tracks. It’s my bias coming to the fore there really. If you gave me two albums to listen to – depending on the albums, I would most likely choose the earlier album. 

Let’s say those two albums laid down in front of me are Life In A Day or Big Music. Between the two of them, and the way I am feeling today (in particular) – I’d choose Big Music.

But the thing that really started the thought of this post was what song on Big Music do people tend to overlook or seem to express a disliking for? That seems to be Kill Or Cure. I love Kill Or Cure! I think it’s really sexy. I mean those lines in the chorus – especially the “you can spread yourself all over me” line – bloody hell! Don’t I wish! I honestly don’t get why it’s dismissed so much. How can you not hear how bloody SEXY it is?! I genuinely think it is one of the best tracks on Big Music. And that album – especially the deluxe version, with the addition of Liaison and Bittersweet makes Big Music quite the sensual experience.

But the reception of Kill Or Cure had me thinking about Simple Minds songs that I don’t warm to much. And in popped a link in my head. The word “cure”. One of the songs in the SM canon I didn’t warm to initially was No Cure. No Cure being a track on Life In A Day. 

The Life In A Day album I can listen to sure enough. But as has been discussed over the years, the things I enjoy more about the early Simple Minds era – especially the very early period between 1978-79 is listening to them live. The Thing I tend to wish for most is being able to see them with Magazine. Being able to see some gigs on that Secondhand Daylight tour – just as SM released Life In A Day. And frankly, I wouldn’t be bugging Jim for them to play Chelsea Girl. I get his frustration. It’s a shame he doesn’t get that same kind of frustration these days for feeling compelled to perform Don’t You (Forget About Me). 

Ah, the joys of seeing the 5×5 Live tour of 2012. All you lucky sods that bloody went!

No Cure was a bugbear for ages. And this is why I still use shuffle mode and have an absolute “kit and kaboodle” playlist of every single Simple Minds song…because on the odd occasion, the love grows. And that’s what happened with No Cure. Initially I couldn’t stand the song and would skip it. Then after a few times in a dwam of semi-sleep and it playing while listening to the “everything” playlist during the night – the song really grew on me. 

So, the link is the “Cure” – and the expanse of time in between – from early Minds to modern Minds and the songs that divide and unite. 

Perhaps without No Cure there’d be no Cocteau Twins? And for Simple Minds, without Cocteau Twins, there might not have been No Cure. I think compared to the demo that was done for Cocteau Twins you can hear on the “Early Years” CD, No Cure is more mature and more polished. I used to think No Cure sounded a bit too Boomtown Rats for me – but having just listened to Cocteau Twins again….that doesn’t really sound any less so. 

At the end of the day, I’ve grown to love No Cure and I loved Kill Or Cure from the start. 

And well…we need a “cure” this week, don’t we? A cure from the hangovers of Halloween. A cure from the fireworks of Bonfire night. And, most importantly – we need a cure for the world climate crisis. Another week of COP26 here in Glasgow. Let’s hope the leaders of the world can make the big and hard changes it is going to take to save this planet – if we think it’s worth bloody saving. 

I have no children of my own. But just because I am not a parent, it doesn’t mean I don’t give two shits about the future of the world and how future generations will live. In fact, the growing decline of the world and its growing population were strong factors in why I chose not to become a parent. It was the worry of what kind of world that I would bring lives into that made me reconsider the very fleeting notion I had of becoming a parent. Biggest factor of all was I’ve never felt very capable of looking after myself let alone be responsible for another or other human beings. 

Take humanity out of the equation completely – and I care enough for the animals we share this planet with not to be hellbent on destroying it. If we destroy this planet then that is sinister. It’s a monstrous act! We’ll never know. I almost wish the planet will be left to the animals. That humanity just fucks itself up and doesn’t take any other innocent party along with it.

Perhaps “the meek” – aka, all the rest of the animal kingdom – SHALL indeed inherit the earth. They deserve it much more than we do, in my humble opinion. 

The ultimate abolition of the human race – perhaps that is just the cure this world needs? 

(Shit. That went a bit dark and heavy, eh? Sorry about that!)

Anyway…either it be a Kill Or Cure, or No Cure at all. These songs are bloody braw!

I Love Learning

But I feel like I mostly learn nothing. Nothing of any worth. The things I wish I felt capable of doing! If I could back myself. If I could believe I had it in me. If I had the intelligence and the strength. The resolve. The fortitude.

If I could be free of the shackles of my inner demons and my own self-induced limitations….oh, what then?

I am possibly capable of love.

Of loving this man far too much.

Of loving posts like these. As he tries to give me hope. And tries to instill good things in me.

A very wise friend of mine told me I need to be better at accepting compliments. That I need to be able to…if not necessarily believe them, then just to be able to accept them. To just say “thank you”, when someone gives me a compliment because to throw it back in someone’s face is an awful thing. That nobody offers a compliment without wanting to. And so to not accept a compliment graciously is then hurting the giver.

So I tried. I tried to accept compliments. But my reactions are so ingrained within my psyche, my acceptance didn’t last very long.

I hate myself so very much. And I know that if I can’t love myself then…

But I absolutely love you, Jim Kerr.