Sunshine On A Rainy Day

As it was in Colchester two years ago. Considering six weeks before this photo was taken, I was persona non grata and blocked from the SM FB page – I never imaged a photo like this EVER happening! Or that Jim would ever be that warm with me ever again.

Either he’s a fabulous actor and missed his true calling, or … he had genuinely forgiven me and it WAS all water under the bridge.

Now I am not so sure where things stand at all. But I know I miss the gigs and the fun and the travel and all the nerves and jitteriness and … the joy of being right at the front watching the most wonderful band in the world and the most beautiful man in the world. I miss him. I miss properly being in awe of him for the thing he does best…being the frontman that has an audience eating out of the palm of his hand.

I love this band so much. They are, literally, sunshine on a rainy day. My little universe.

Maybe Maidstone – Part 2

Purely because – needs must. My friend has travelled some 12,000 miles from Australia, and her schedule is VERY tight. If I am to meet her – and I *WANT* to meet her! (I HAVE to meet her!) – then…the Maidstone gig is on!

For the sake of beautiful Ally, I will bring the sun and we shall have the best time possible!

It would be nice to feel as if “he” is happy to have me back…but I suppose the biggest miracle has already occurred, being allowed back on Simple Minds Official FB. I would love to know if that’s an actual FIRST (answers on a postcard, people!)?

I am NOT taking if for granted! But, I feel…muted. Suppressed. Fearful, even. And…on a basic human level, I worry that, despite the reversal of the block, it doesn’t necessarily equate to….diffusion of anger and upset and the non holding of a grudge. (ie: I’m just scared that he hates me now…and, how can I blame him for feeling that way? Would I forgive me? Do I forgive myself? Highly doubt I ever will. I live in a complete blend of regret but feeling I had to stand by something I believed in.)

When we’ve had a “disagreement” in the past…it always seems to have taken a few weeks for him (or both he and I) to simmer down and start to interact again.

For me, the fear is very strong and very real that…in spite of the “reversal of fortunes”, he may NEVER speak to me ever again. And it really will utterly break my heart if that happens.

But…one just has to “carry on regardless”.

My fear of how he feels about me…of standing within sight of him at another gig, so soon after it all HAS to take a back burner, for the sake of Ally.

Like Jim once did, Ally gave me so much confidence. Belief in myself and my ability. Enough belief in me, she commissioned me for two paintings. I mean…incredible! I can’r even begin to articulate what that meant and means to me! Ally had much more faith in me than I ever did in myself, most days.

Thank you for everything, Ally. See you on Saturday, you beautiful human being ❤️