I’m avoiding uni study today. In the current yo-yo of my state of being, having somehow been “up and confident” earlier in the day yesterday, I took a dive last night. And all the feelings of ineptitude and uselessness come flooding in.
I’m still really angry with myself that I squandered yet ANOTHER opportunity to try and say something of some substance to Jim at the album signing. WHY did I let him wrong-foot me like that? HOW am I not ready for that to happen?! Why did I let it…him…take control of the situation?! Why can’t I just FUNCTION LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING? The biggest question(s) of them all is – WHY does it matter so much?! Why do I let it matter so much?
This post was going to be about my time of re-evaluating certain aspects of Direction Of The Heart. I will get to that. Before that though, I want to answer the questions Jim was asked in that recent Guardian Saturday supplement piece.
Here goes:
1. WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?
Ending life having achieved nothing.
2. WHICH LIVING PERSON DO YOU MOST ADMIRE, AND WHY?
I do believe we know the answer to that one. Why? Because he is absolutely EVERYTHING I am not.
3. WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN YOURSELF?
My constant and overriding self-doubt and self-loathing.
4. WHAT WAS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT?
I’m not sure I can contain it to a solitary example. So…let’s just say…being born.
5. WHAT MAKES YOU UNHAPPY?
People not accepting the differences in others. Never feeling good enough.
6. WHAT DO YOU MOST DISLIKE ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE?
There are truly too many things to list but if I have to confine it to a single thing, then – that my legs are shaped like tree stumps. My ankles are only slightly smaller in circumference than my thighs.
7. WHAT IS THE WORST THING ANYONE HAS SAID TO YOU?
I don’t think anyone has said anything worse than the things I say to myself about myself. Thankfully any of the things said to me at school by bullies has been long forgotten. It certainly hurt enough at the time to have me avoid a lot of school.
Actually, upon reflection – someone did tell me to kill myself one time. That’s pretty darn low and actually quite disgusting. And had I been in a really bad place at the time, I may have acted upon it.
8. WHO IS YOUR CELEBRITY CRUSH?
Again – no explanation needed here! But if I was to say who my girl crush is – Vicky McClure.
9. IF YOU COULD BRING SOMETHING EXTINCT BACK TO LIFE, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
Well, if Jim can choose to bring back Jim Morrison – I’d choose my brother, David.
10. WHAT IS YOUR MOST UNAPPEALING HABIT?
Biting my nails. It is vile but in the grand scheme of things, better to be a nail-biter than a lot of other things, I guess.
11. WHAT SCARES YOU ABOUT GETTING OLDER?
Wasting it just as much as I wasted my youth, early adulthood and mid-life. How much I have squandered my precious time sickens me.
12. WHICH BOOK ARE YOU ASHAMED NOT TO HAVE READ?
The bible. Genuinely. I am atheist but I wish I could read it. I’ve tried to read passages in the past but it just makes no sense to me.
13. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE GROWING UP?
Sssoooo many different things! A farmer, a veterinary nurse, a meteorologist, a pharmacist, an astronomer, a housewife …. Many different things and I am absolutely NONE of them!
14. WHAT DOES LOVE FEEL LIKE?
Reciprocation.
15. WHAT WAS THE BEST KISS OF YOUR LIFE?
I haven’t had it yet.
16. WHAT HAS BEEN YOUR BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT?
Letting bullies defeat me.
17. WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT?
Appearing on 15 to 1 and coming 4th in one of the shows. Not much – but it’s something. Perhaps getting a university degree will surpass that in the years to come.
18. WHAT WAS YOUR CLOSEST BRUSH WITH THE LAW?
I’d like to say that I’ve never broken the law but…I’ve just never been caught. My closest brush with it has been as a victim and not a perpetrator. Does being called up for jury duty (and then not being needed to serve on a jury) count? I dunno….
19. WHAT KEEPS YOU AWAKE AT NIGHT?
The most ridiculous things. Things I have no control over. Uni assignments.
20. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
Life keeps on going. The world keeps on turning.
Anyway…I should try and do something with my day.