This Is Who I Am

Why this blog has the domain address of “priptonaweird.co.uk” is because – one: It was primarily started to be more of a dedicated site to Jim, but would encompass and embrace all things Simple Minds. I never had any intention to make it some “super serious – uber fan” blog. It started as fun. 100% fun – with lots of ogling and drooling and petty fangirling.

Then I started to share the memorabilia I was collecting. Then talking about Jim’s FB posts and maybe screengrabbing a reply I got from him that I loved or thought was amusing. Also it became a place for my “art”. As I made my digital fan art and also began drawing and painting. And then going to gigs – and not just SM ones – and it just kept growing and growing and I thought I wanted it to be taken more seriously. A place where maybe “serious” SM fans could actually find useful information and learn something they hadn’t known before, etc, etc.

I started to conduct interviews: First with Jaine Henderson, then with Bruce Findlay, last year with Steve Jeffris of Warm Digits, and this year with Stuart Crouch and most recently – and most professionally too (I guess) with The Anchoress.

And that’s been great. I love doing those kind of things – although the interviews can terrify me! As much work as each post can be, I have been really loving doing the posts for Minds Music Monday on the Sons/Sister 40th Anniversary. And some of these posts came together with the help of Malcolm Garrett as well. I’m proud of all those posts.

But with that pride has crept in an embarrassment – because also, this blog has always had a personal slant to it. It is my own personal blog. That’s why the web address is what it is! It’s why it doesn’t have a “Simple Minds” name to it. I could have hauled it over. I could have bought a Simple Minds reflective domain name – but I love that this domain name is associated to ME!

Today has been another incredibly tough day. For reasons I don’t actually feel able to talk about right now but it is going to have a lasting impact on me. It’s been very emotional today. A lot of tears. I feel like I have spent sssoooo much of the past 12 months crying – esp. the past 9 months.

Sitting about, drying my tears, feeling embarrassed – yet again! When I was thinking about the blog and thinking about how open I’ve been on here of late – again…feeling embarrassed. But WHY?! Why should I feel embarrassed by my emotions?! Why should I be embarrassed to feel things and want things and want to be able to express things?! If I express them here and that ultimately allows me to work through those things and sort my shit out, isn’t that good?!

***I KNOW**** I overshare, and overthink, and over-analyse and … all of these things. I know this!
But this is MY place! This is me! As I used to say in the past – and I really need to remember this because this is what I was saying to myself this afternoon – MY BLOG, MY RULES! I am NOT beholden to ANYONE. And I am NOT going to try and make this blog into something it isn’t. As much as I feel I want to make this blog 100% professional with only serious band-specific content – IT ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN!

This used to be my retreat. The place I would run to for comfort and fun and happiness. It is still a place I am running to but for different reasons. Because now it feels like it is the only place I am understood, the only place I feel able to be me. And, well, even that hasn’t felt entirely so lately. But I am taking that back! I want this to be my safe place. If I am not understood – tough! If you come here and read content and think I share too much – tough! With all due respect – I take your concerns on board. I am aware of them. Let it be known that I concern myself also – okay!!!! Nobody is more aware of my mental instability than me – OKAY?!

And even THIS will be deemed “oversharing” but … I’m working through stuff, okay.

To the people who visit, always, thank you. You don’t have to and lord bloody knows why you do…but holy heck, thank you for doing so. Whatever you gain out of each visit, I hope it is informative, useful or mercy be on the rare occasion FUN!

Welcome to Priptona’s weird, wonderful world of … whatever!

It Feels Like The End

I don’t know what this is any more. I obviously want it to be more than it is. More than it can be.

I’m too emotionally invested in this thing. I have been for years now. And I have been too frightened to cut the ties completely. Still praying to be liked. Still praying for something more. Still praying to be a “real fan” was enough.

The more time passes, the more I think that to have remained blocked from the Simple Minds Facebook page would have been the best thing for me.

Time would have healed the wound. I would have found something else to fill the cavernous void…eventually.

I cannot stop seeing the things that happen as things that I have caused personally.

Messenger gets taken off the SM FB page. And then Jim’s slow stepping away from all the interaction. No more comments on visitor wall posts. No more likes on visitor wall posts. Fewer replies to comments left on posts. Fewer likes to comments left on posts. Ceasing of likes and reply comments all together. Lessening of the number of posts written by Jim.

And now? Seemingly no posts at all.

Jim’s gone, and I can’t help but feel that I am the cause of it, because I feel like I am the one that wants him there most of all.

Two things have been making me cry constantly today. One, my cat is really sick and I am powerless to help him – other than to keep administering drugs to him, which seem not to be doing much.

The other, seeing Jim photographed with the Sardinian fans. Which sounds AWFUL! I want to put it into context! It’s because…seemingly…they are allowed to have something I desire more than anything in the world. Time with him. What’s more…they can “boast” about it. It feels like a boast. It’s just how it feels to me. And I just found it really upsetting.

I’m just being honest. I mean. All great for the guys, you know! It’s fabulous for them. It really is. But it feels like an “inner sanctum”. And while it feels like that. While it will feel like there is some “special place” for a select few and fuck the rest….?

I dunno.

It just feels awful. And I have spent so much time getting hurt by this and feeling guilty about it. And then knowing that IT SHOULDN’T MATTER! But….it does. It matters. It matters too much. It always has. And I just want it to stop.

I want it to stop mattering. I want to stop caring about it.

When I became a Simple Minds fan it felt like this new world opened up to me. I can’t express it! And it still brings with it the odd sweet gift. But it’s starting to feel a trap. And I am just way too heavily invested. And I am almost in floods of tears again just thinking about walking away. Trying to stop caring. And I want to stop fucking crying!

Did I do something wrong?

“Did I ask too much? More than a lot?
You gave me nothing now it’s all I’ve got.
We’re one, but we’re not the same.
Well, we hurt each other and we do it again.”

Where do we go from here?

Seems like I’m full of U2 songs tonight.

How ironic…

I’m not articulating this right. I don’t want it to sound bitter. I’m not angry. I’m sad. Sad to feel like all that I do is not enough or too much.

It’s a hamster wheel. A big fat hamster wheel. I want to get off but I don’t know how to stop it.

So perhaps I just need to “embrace the suck”? Swallow that bitter pill. Thank Jim for the memories and walk away?

I never wanted it to end. I never want it to end!

The biggest hurt? The biggest hurt is the notion of my walking away and him not giving a flying fuck. Not a single, solitary fuck. There are always other fans. Always another face. Another new enthusiast. But for me – there is no other Jim. No other band. No other man.

And yet, here we are it seems at another crossroads. Left or right? Which way to turn, Loz? Suck it up and forget about it? Or move on? Your choice. “Choice.” Or do we live in the past? The halcyon days? “Choice.”

Kerrsday Thursday – Hanging Around Ad Poster Bingo!

Had a day of playing “SM ad poster bingo” by visiting the areas on the list of billboard locations Ronnie Gurr gave me. I think I’ve found them all now. Also saw the Oscar Marzaroli exhibition at Street Level Photoworks on Trongate, as well as seeing a John Byrne exhibit next door. Had a lovely lunch too. And all with splendid company.

Back To The Loch

Went back to Balloch and Loch Lomond today. I made a playlist containing all the little short videos I recorded there today, and there’s a vid of me waxing lyrical about my continuing love affair with Scotland. May it last the rest of my days.

Photos too! And because I am Queen of the selfie fail, I thought I’d share the fails too. Geez I am SSSOOO photogenic! Not.